Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day this has been for news. I could fill this whole page with The Washington Post alone, but because it's a stupid computer and not a piece of paper, it would never run out and we old curmudgeons have to carefully do something to our strength… what's that damn word… oh yeah, husband, whatever that means. But, enough about me. How're you doing? Really. Who cares?
Dateline: Katmandu, December 21, 2006
You can see forever from the wild, windswept cliffs of Katmandu. Well, you could see forever if they'd ever clean this place. I mean, there's sand everywhere, so who can see anything?
From the Barnum & Baily Files: Get this. The billions a year Congress and the Prez hand out to farmers — ostensibly to protect small family farms? Guess what. They're actually driving them into the tank, according to economists, analysts, and farmers. It's not that hard to figure out (except for Congress, I guess). You own big farm. You get big money. You then buy up more land, mostly from small, poor farmers, or those just starting out. I must admit that one of the great privileges of being an American is our sacred right to be blithering idiots. It's nice to know that our federal government is showing the way with glaring lights and brass bands to the land of idiocy.
From the "Stupid is As Stupid Does" Files: "Shiite Clerics' Rivalry Deepens In Fragile Iraq." That's a headline in today's Washington Post. Both have the black turban as proof that Muhammad was their great, great, great… something or other. Their fathers were at war to see who'd control the Shiites, and now they each control 30 seats in the parliament. Best of all, they've both got weird people with powerful guns (a.k.a. militias) that are widely alleged to run death squads. God bless the word "alleged." Without it, we couldn't say anything. But, I'm more than a little confused. Okay, Shia vs. Sunni. That's kind of like the Catholics and Protestants in the early days… but a lot more bloody. But Shia vs. Shia — that's like a Conservative and an Orthodox Jew fighting out with matzohs at 20 paces over whether Jews should be in Israel. Boys and girls, if the Shias are fighting the Shias, and the Palestinians are fighting the Palestinians, what the hell are we doing there? And the hell with the wall around Israel — seal the country in a bomb-impervious clear plastic shell (with air holes of course) and let the Arabs just kill themselves off. What is your intrepid reporter missing here?
And From the Rope-a-Dope Files (still with today's Post): Massachusetts Governor Mitt "Bet You Can't Guess What I Believe" Romney, who, just one decade ago, supported poor discriminated-against gays, high-fived at abortion clinics, and supported an automatic revolver in every pot… one hopes not every pot field. Why he even admits that his attitudes have changed. Could it be that since Giuliani and McCain own the center, old Romney — who's really from Minnesota — or Iowa — or Nebraska — never could keep those places straight — anyway, maybe he's trying to win the Republican right? Of course he's admitted his attitudes have changed. In the history of this great republic, only one president has had the ability to say it's raining one minute and it's sunny the next (in the middle of a hurricane) and have everyone believe him — our beloved Bill "What Dress" Clinton. What if once, just once, we had a pol who not only said what he or she believed, but wasn't a bull-moose looney? Nah… too much caffeine and nicotine this morning.
Now You Hear Me, Now You Don't files: Back in July, our Commander in Chief, showing his unwavering support for the military, said, "General Casey will make the decisions as to how many troops we have there. He'll decide how best to achieve victory and the troop levels necessary to do so. I've spent a lot of time talking to him about troop levels. And I've told him this: I said, 'You decide, General.'" What a difference a disaster makes. Now, it's a different tune. Yesterday, despite growing warfare between the White House and the Pentagon, President Bush said that he will listen but not necessarily defer to balky military officers. In a completely unrelated move, Gen. John P. Abizaid, his top Middle East commander and a leading skeptic of a so-called surge, announced his retirement. First of all, George, may I call you George? No? Okay, hey Dumb as a Bucket of Hair, just like you don't take on someone who buys ink by the barrel, you don't publicly flay people who have missiles on the top of your house! Personally I trust Geor… sorry, the Prez to make those decisions. After all, he served in the National Guard. And, hey, let's be honest. This war is looking more and more like Vietnam every day. Good luck, Commander in Chief. We're behind you… way, way, way behind you.
And, from The News You Didn't Know You Needed files: The world is aghast that the title of Harry Potter VII is to be revealed. The world is aghast that they have to go to J.K. Rowling's website and play a little game of hangman to find it. Talk about your blatant commercialism, taking a profound allegory of the history of man's struggle against… weird creatures… and trivializing to boost sales. 'Tis said, JK, said. (Hey, JK could stand for John Kennedy, which means he didn't die after all… that would be a good thing.)
Ah well, another day, another zero dollars in the kitty, unless all my fans send bags o' money. (Come on, mom, it wouldn't kill you.) Stingy old… never mind.
Tomorrow's a busy day for your intrepid reporter and, and he may not have time to post. He's undertaking a special undercover mission for Eric Olsen, Chief Grand Poohbah and Owner of BC to find out where all the flowers have gone. So, as always, remember,
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