This is a much easier way to keep track of dates and things — just make them up. Everyone's happy because there's order, but not too constrained because it's a faux order. This is why I'm the intrepid reporter, and you're the reader. Suck it up.
I have no idea if there's any news today, let me go see….
DATELINE: Tajikistan, 2 January 2007
First, from the Weird Affairs Desk (WAD) brought to you my associate intrepid journalist, D'oh, some news that may make you sick, but we're not legally responsible for anything said on this site.
- The We Told You So files: Just the way to end a glorious 2006, it was reported that a giant ice shelf breaks off in the Canadian Arctic. Just 500 miles from the North Pole, this 25.5 square mile hunk o' ice just bid farewell to the mainland and went its own way. The Parliament in Canada was called into special session to determine what can be done about the Ice Shelf Gap; Canada once had six, now they're down to five.
The good news, according to a spokesperson for President Richard Cheney, is that this is not a result of global climate change. "Those stupid North Koreans sent up another missile aimed for Los Angeles, and it went off course." The North Koreans have failed to apologize, so the Canadians apologized for them.
- The Be Careful What You Wish For files: In a stunning upset to France and Lichtenstein, there was fanfare and fireworks in Romania and Bulgaria as the E.U. voted them in as members. According to Reuters UK, these two — can you really call them countries when my gross domestic product is twice the size of both of them, and I'm semi retired? Where was I? Oh yeah, long ago, in 2004, the E.U. said P.U. to their request because only two Romanians and one Bulgarian had a non-government job. Things are better now.
Oh yeah, them Euros are bright chickens, make no doubt about it. Adding 30 million people to the EU or about 8 percent, together they're bringing in one percent more revenue. The leaders of both countries were taken off life support long enough to promise to get that to two percent before they died. When you think about how clueless the U.S. is, it does a heart good to realize the E.U. is at least as clueless.
- Where Have All The Flowers Gone file: It's that time of year when people with way too little time on their hands (having already rolled up all the ribbon from the holidays) turn to mighty matters, such as the number of journalists killed and by whom each year. As usual, there was bickering over who and how many, but Iraq wins hands down, with between 113 and 155 reporters and staff rubbed out.
As for the runners-up, nine reporters were killed in Mexico in 2006, six in the Philippines, and three in Russia. That, of course, depends on which independent group is reporting the numbers.
I'm sorry — I really am — for the loss of anyone's life in those nutso regions of the world, but let's face, I'll bet for every reporter who was killed, 1000 children died of malnutrition, malaria, war, or name your poison. That's why your intrepid reporter refuses to go to anyplace less safe than Le Fin de la Gout, a first class French restaurant. I mean, let's face it boys and girls, that's what the Internet is for.
And now from other sources:
- Makes You Wonder files: The Iraqi government promised an investigation into illicitly filmed footage of Shi'ite officials taunting him on the gallows. Hundreds, I mean hundreds of Sunnis had done something to protest the way the Butcher of Baghdad was treated. The U.N. says that 120, give or take a few dozen, Iraqi civilians are killed each day. The intrepid reporter cannot help but ask how many a day were killed by Saddam? Further, he asks, why do we always refer to him by his first name? If this is going to make the insurrection, revolution, civil war, or bloodbath (pick one) worse, hey, maybe we should have let him go.
Lemme get this one right. This Saddam fellow slaughtered thousands upon thousands of Iraqis, wasted billions on statues and palaces, kept feral cats to protect his compound, used American-made and donate chemical weapons on entire villages — and someone's upset that he's dead??? Oh I hope Saddam didn't have an evil twin brother, Sudam, who really did all that bad stuff. Justice gone blind.
- The We Did It Before and We Can Do it Again files: Iran is busy making nukes, everyone but Russia and China are saying, "Bad Iran." Iran says, "Nukes? Nukes? These are for peaceful purpose to create energy." The UN says, "Bad Iran" and hands down the loosest and most pathetic restrictions on a country since Chamberlain kissed Hitler on both cheeks. President Ajsheiurhddsliudr of Iran (how come their country names are so easy and their personal names are a random collection of letters?) has lashed out, saying they've humiliated the U.S. in the past (Oh, and how'd you do that, feather face?) and they're going to do it again. What, are we the only members of the UN? Sheesh.
Your intrepid reporter did not visit Iran, but he talked with someone who fled Iran after the Shah Shafting and this source said, "What? You expect them to roll over and play knish? Everone knows you ain't got no more soldiers."
Of course that was one man's opinion.
And, so, my little Babushkas, with another thanks to my co-conspirator, D'oh, we wish you a happy Wednesday and may all your Christmases (and all those other holidays) be bright. And never forget,
In Jameson Veritas