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News and Commentary: I’m Going To Call Today Wednesday

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This is a much easier way to keep track of dates and things — just make them up. Everyone's happy because there's order, but not too constrained because it's a faux order. This is why I'm the intrepid reporter, and you're the reader. Suck it up.

I have no idea if there's any news today, let me go see….

DATELINE:  Tajikistan, 2 January 2007

First, from the Weird Affairs Desk (WAD) brought to you my associate intrepid journalist, D'oh, some news that may make you sick, but we're not legally responsible for anything said on this site.

  • The We Told You So files: Just the way to end a glorious 2006, it was reported that a giant ice shelf breaks off in the Canadian Arctic. Just 500 miles from the North Pole, this 25.5 square mile hunk o' ice just bid farewell to the mainland and went its own way. The Parliament in Canada was called into special session to determine what can be done about the Ice Shelf Gap; Canada once had six, now they're down to five. 

The good news, according to a spokesperson for President Richard Cheney, is that this is not a result of global climate change. "Those stupid North Koreans sent up another missile aimed for Los Angeles, and it went off course." The North Koreans have failed to apologize, so the Canadians apologized for them.

  • The Be Careful What You Wish For files: In a stunning upset to France and Lichtenstein, there was fanfare and fireworks in Romania and Bulgaria as the E.U. voted them in as members. According to Reuters UK, these two — can you really call them countries when my gross domestic product is twice the size of both of them, and I'm semi retired? Where was I? Oh yeah, long ago, in 2004, the E.U. said P.U. to their request because only two Romanians and one Bulgarian had a non-government job. Things are better now. 

Oh yeah, them Euros are bright chickens, make no doubt about it. Adding 30 million people to the EU or about 8 percent, together they're bringing in one percent more revenue. The leaders of both countries were taken off life support long enough to promise to get that to two percent before they died. When you think about how clueless the U.S. is, it does a heart good to realize the E.U. is at least as clueless.

  • Where Have All The Flowers Gone file: It's that time of year when people with way too little time on their hands (having already rolled up all the ribbon from the holidays) turn to mighty matters, such as the number of journalists killed and by whom each year. As usual, there was bickering over who and how many, but Iraq wins hands down, with between 113 and 155 reporters and staff rubbed out. 

As for the runners-up, nine reporters were killed in Mexico in 2006, six in the Philippines, and three in Russia. That, of course, depends on which independent group is reporting the numbers. 

I'm sorry — I really am — for the loss of anyone's life in those nutso regions of the world, but let's face, I'll bet for every reporter who was killed, 1000 children died of malnutrition, malaria, war, or name your poison. That's why your intrepid reporter refuses to go to anyplace less safe than Le Fin de la Gout, a first class French restaurant. I mean, let's face it boys and girls, that's what the Internet is for.

And now from other sources:

  • Makes You Wonder files: The Iraqi government promised an investigation into illicitly filmed footage of Shi'ite officials taunting him on the gallows. Hundreds, I mean hundreds of Sunnis had done something to protest the way the Butcher of Baghdad was treated. The U.N. says that 120, give or take a few dozen, Iraqi civilians are killed each day. The intrepid reporter cannot help but ask how many a day were killed by Saddam? Further, he asks, why do we always refer to him by his first name? If this is going to make the insurrection, revolution, civil war, or bloodbath (pick one) worse, hey, maybe we should have let him go.

Lemme get this one right. This Saddam fellow slaughtered thousands upon thousands of Iraqis, wasted billions on statues and palaces, kept feral cats to protect his compound, used American-made and donate chemical weapons on entire villages — and someone's upset that he's dead??? Oh I hope Saddam didn't have an evil twin brother, Sudam, who really did all that bad stuff. Justice gone blind.

  • The We Did It Before and We Can Do it Again files: Iran is busy making nukes, everyone but Russia and China are saying, "Bad Iran." Iran says, "Nukes? Nukes?  These are for peaceful purpose to create energy." The UN says, "Bad Iran" and hands down the loosest and most pathetic restrictions on a country since Chamberlain kissed Hitler on both cheeks. President Ajsheiurhddsliudr of Iran (how come their country names are so easy and their personal names are a random collection of letters?) has lashed out, saying they've humiliated the U.S. in the past (Oh, and how'd you do that, feather face?) and they're going to do it again. What, are we the only members of the UN? Sheesh.

Your intrepid reporter did not visit Iran, but he talked with someone who fled Iran after the Shah Shafting and this source said, "What? You expect them to roll over and play knish? Everone knows you ain't got no more soldiers."

Of course that was one man's opinion.

And, so, my little Babushkas, with another thanks to my co-conspirator, D'oh, we wish you a happy Wednesday and may all your Christmases (and all those other holidays) be bright. And never forget,

 In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Damn, Mark!

    You see, it seems people ain’t about news and such, they are just more interested in an argument.

    From the Weird Affairs Desk;

    Chief Justice wants more money than Congressmen, only topic of report.

    Big Brother is already in your cel phone.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Now how much would you pay?

    There’s still more, act now and we will include a very Special Comment from someone whom this intrepid reporter considers the most meaningful and insightful as well as honest, newscaster in the business today.

    “keep your knees loose”

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    D’oh = Ed McMahon

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Hey now Suss, if such were the case, all I’d be doing is laughing on the couch.

    If I gotta be a sidekick, I’ll go with this team instead.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    OK…so controversy is the order of the day, flavor of the month, socio-political trending.

    How about we take a peak beyond spin, and laser focus on a central dynamic that shows how two civilizations and their societies deal with internal conflicts.

    Here, in the U.S., we have the results of November’s elections and these current poll results from the public showing how the people feel about certain basic policies.

    Yet in the White House, while trying to sound bi-partisan, the President continues claiming to hold firm to staying the course.

    Dirty tricks, and politics as usual. decry and bemoan it all you like, but ponder for a moment the fact that as divisive as we may be, we choose this way to work out, express and implement our will as a nation.

    Compare that to, oh let’s say … Iraq. Where their means of sorting this stuff out involves a lot of shooting and blowing each other up.

    Much to contemplate and pontificate about. Yet most of the media feeding frenzy for eyeballs has attached itself in lamprey fashion to the formaldehyde filled body of a better man than they can ever aspire to being compared with.

    you can lead a horse to water, but it takes strength and determination to drown the fucker“

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Hay-ooooooo

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    I forgot to close the italics. didn’t I?

    Thanks, Suss.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Looked at your special comment, D’oh. Looks like Bush is going to do exactly what a friend of mine who used to be rather high in the command structure of the American armed forces (not one of the biggies) predicted. Nigh everyone I know has called this man delusional. If the BBC is right, my “delusional” friend will have been selling not snake oil, but olive oil, which is what I took his words for.

    Cheers

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    How about the kiddies bickering over money?

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Morning brings stuff!

    Top Intel official resigns
    Negroponte, Bush’s own hatchet man, who was sent to perform a political vivisection on the INTEL community is resigning and taking thenumber 2 spot in the State Department

    Muslim Congressman to be sworn in using Jefferson’s Qu’ran

    That one tickles me to death, for all the bitching, using Jefferson’s own copy of the Qu’ran is a wonderful poke in the eye to some, reminding them that the Constitution itself states there will be NO religious tests for holding office.

    The most incredible Story of this morning, I’m watching live as the Republican congressmen outright whine and lie about the Dems stating that for the first few weeks the House will be running
    UNDER THE SAME RULES AS THE LAST FEW YEARS! I’m watching the lapdogs of the K street project talk about upcoming ethics reform…all this before the new Congress is even sworn in and convened.

    Still waiting for the counterspin from the Dems, while listening to some Republicans talking about how high a priority “Homeland security” is, after doing shit about it for 6 years.

    See the first link in comment6 to show what the public is thinking about things.

    More links as the day unfolds.

  • maoz

    “Further, he asks, why do we always refer to him by his first name?”

    No, no, you’re mis-hearing. We’re not calling him by his first name, we’re cussing him. It’s not “Saddam”, it’s “Sa-DAMN!”

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Oy, I feel so foolish, ShaZam. Should have known it all along. Just a word, friends of Jameson, it’s not doing its job–I thought I was getting better, but the last two-three days have reminded me that someone other than me controls my health.

    It’s so fucking stupid–there’s no pain or anything, I just sleep and when I’m awake want to sleep…so I’ll try to keep these going, but it’s not easy.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    No worries Mark, I’ll put up more here tomorrow.

    You just concentrate on getting better, you know …a good single malt can cure leprosy,unlike that swill.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    HOuse says, “no more earmarks and pay as you go”
    We can only hope they can live up to those two.

    Under the heading of When in trouble, surround yourself with yes men, we find that it appears any who disagree, or don’t say what some want to hear, you get fired.

    You all have heard that Harriet Myers, who was a nominee for the Supreme Court and stayed in her post as WH counsel, has “resigned” due to staffers not believing she was smart enough for the upcoming House investigations?

    And this one really kills me, it seems the WH has decided that spending 10 million an hour in Iraq is just not enough.

    I wish some of this shit was fiction, but it ain’t.