With all the slang the young people use today, I figured I could come up with some snappy phrases that’re just as good – or better. I mean come on… “da bomb”? Really!
So here is some slang I’d now like to introduce into the vernacular. I encourage all my readers to work this slang into everyday conversation whenever possible, in the hope at least some will become popular enough to one day make it into the Oxford Dictionary. Hey, it worked for “bling-bling” so why not? Also, please forward a copy of this list to all your “hip” friends. Letter!
[ NEW SLANG ]
25/8 – any activity that takes much longer to do than was expected. “I thought we’d be done shopping hours ago! This is turning into 25/8.”
aguilera – n.; a woman with loose morals. “That girl sleeps with every boy she meets. She nothing but a dirrty aguilera!”
a lot of mirror – large sum of money. “You wanna buy a Lexus? That’s gonna take a lot of mirror!”
bean – n.; a stupid person for whom things always work out better than expected. Refers to TV/movie character Mr. Bean. Alternately, use “herman” – referring to Pee-Wee Herman – if the person’s acts of idiocy involve underage kids, getting arrested at a porno theater, or the possession of child pornography.
blam – n.; a gun. Short for “blamblamblam”.
cotton – female genitalia. “Last night her and I went out on a date, and I got me some cotton.”
cotton candy – as in “I ate some cotton candy”; see “cotton”, above. Do I really need to get any more graphic than that?
dark rot – death. “Billy died last night. Now he’s dark rot.”
fine set of china – n; nice breasts. “Look at the fine set of china on that girl!”
flintstone – n; a dumb person.
got wood – having a situation under control. “I don’t need no help with that cuz I got wood!”
if the squirrel had nuts he wouldn’t need wood – refers to a man who is way too passive. “He could’ve gotten that raise if he’d only tried. But then, if the squirrel had nuts he wouldn’t need wood.”
iraq – v.; beating up somebody much weaker than yourself, for reasons which may or may not be valid. “I heard that scrawny bean slept with my girl. I don’t know if the rumor is true, but I iraqed his ass anyway.”
kitten – an attractive female, or a term of endearment for one special girl.
making wild monkey love – having sexual intercourse.
pulling a nutty – doing something completely crazy. Taken from TV’s “Boston Public”, when the straight-laced teacher said to the manic-depressive teacher, “Now, Marla, try not to pull a nutty.” It replaces the slang phrase “going postal”.
spike – v.; filing a frivolous lawsuit just to make a quick buck. Refers to Spike Lee suing Spike TV over its use of the word ‘Spike’. “I didn’t read the warning on that cup of coffee and scalded myself when it spilled. So I spiked McDonald’s for a million dollars.”
spiker – n.; a self-righteous idiot, especially one who files frivolous lawsuits. See “Spike Lee”, above.
static cling – unwanted attention. “That person is sticking to me like static cling.”
tomcat – a male who “dates” a lot of the opposite sex at the same time. “Joan, he’s a real tomcat and you’re just today’s kitten litter.”
weapon of mass destruction – man referring to his large member when, in fact, his penis is quite small. This phrase is usually said sarcastically, as in, “Him and I made wild monkey love last night. Talk about your weapon of mass destruction. Ha ha ha!”
your tide is rippin’, your vacation’s trippin’ – phrase said to somebody you find attractive. Works better if you’re both actually vacationing at a beachside resort, but…