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New Slang… For the Not So Hip!

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With all the slang the young people use today, I figured I could come up with some snappy phrases that’re just as good – or better. I mean come on… “da bomb”? Really!

So here is some slang I’d now like to introduce into the vernacular. I encourage all my readers to work this slang into everyday conversation whenever possible, in the hope at least some will become popular enough to one day make it into the Oxford Dictionary. Hey, it worked for “bling-bling” so why not? Also, please forward a copy of this list to all your “hip” friends. Letter!

[ NEW SLANG ]

25/8 – any activity that takes much longer to do than was expected. “I thought we’d be done shopping hours ago! This is turning into 25/8.”

aguilera – n.; a woman with loose morals. “That girl sleeps with every boy she meets. She nothing but a dirrty aguilera!”

a lot of mirror – large sum of money. “You wanna buy a Lexus? That’s gonna take a lot of mirror!”

bean – n.; a stupid person for whom things always work out better than expected. Refers to TV/movie character Mr. Bean. Alternately, use “herman” – referring to Pee-Wee Herman – if the person’s acts of idiocy involve underage kids, getting arrested at a porno theater, or the possession of child pornography.

blam – n.; a gun. Short for “blamblamblam”.

cotton – female genitalia. “Last night her and I went out on a date, and I got me some cotton.”

cotton candy – as in “I ate some cotton candy”; see “cotton”, above. Do I really need to get any more graphic than that?

dark rot – death. “Billy died last night. Now he’s dark rot.”

fine set of china – n; nice breasts. “Look at the fine set of china on that girl!”

flintstone – n; a dumb person.

got wood – having a situation under control. “I don’t need no help with that cuz I got wood!”

if the squirrel had nuts he wouldn’t need wood – refers to a man who is way too passive. “He could’ve gotten that raise if he’d only tried. But then, if the squirrel had nuts he wouldn’t need wood.”

iraq – v.; beating up somebody much weaker than yourself, for reasons which may or may not be valid. “I heard that scrawny bean slept with my girl. I don’t know if the rumor is true, but I iraqed his ass anyway.”

kitten – an attractive female, or a term of endearment for one special girl.

making wild monkey love – having sexual intercourse.

pulling a nutty – doing something completely crazy. Taken from TV’s “Boston Public”, when the straight-laced teacher said to the manic-depressive teacher, “Now, Marla, try not to pull a nutty.” It replaces the slang phrase “going postal”.

spike – v.; filing a frivolous lawsuit just to make a quick buck. Refers to Spike Lee suing Spike TV over its use of the word ‘Spike’. “I didn’t read the warning on that cup of coffee and scalded myself when it spilled. So I spiked McDonald’s for a million dollars.”

spiker – n.; a self-righteous idiot, especially one who files frivolous lawsuits. See “Spike Lee”, above.

static cling – unwanted attention. “That person is sticking to me like static cling.”

tomcat – a male who “dates” a lot of the opposite sex at the same time. “Joan, he’s a real tomcat and you’re just today’s kitten litter.”

weapon of mass destruction – man referring to his large member when, in fact, his penis is quite small. This phrase is usually said sarcastically, as in, “Him and I made wild monkey love last night. Talk about your weapon of mass destruction. Ha ha ha!”

your tide is rippin’, your vacation’s trippin’ – phrase said to somebody you find attractive. Works better if you’re both actually vacationing at a beachside resort, but…

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About Pete Petrisko

  • The Theory

    Some of those are actually pretty good. Maybe I’ll have to print out the page and work some of them into conversation.

    If nothing else, it’ll be a good advertisement for blogcritics! hah.

    peace.

  • mike

    Hmmmmmm……………I smell a spoof……

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    no, no, no, it’s “hot monkey love”

    As for slang for guns, there’s a book by Bill Pronzini, “Gun In Cheek” the worst in mystery and crime fiction, which has a whole chapter on guns and gun noises: “My Roscoe Sneezed: Ka-Chee!”

    As for using “the —-” form, that is a Buffyism, usually from one of Jane Espenson’s scripts, eg, doing the wacky

    Jane is one of the funniest writers for Mutant Enemy check out her site at http://janeespenson.com/

  • Eric Olsen

    Peter, you should be henceforth known as “webster” – as in he who creates or culls words and phrases.

    And I like “naked monkey dance” better

  • mike

    Now I do have a friend whose teenage daughter was fond a year ago of saying, “That is SO 9/10,” meaning something mundane, of little importance in the grand scheme. I thought that was interesting.

  • cjones

    This is sooo funny !

  • andy

    Here’s one

    “Gone Axl”-As in, someone who used to be cool, but has gone down the shitter. “Hey, have you seen Dan lately?” “Yeah I have, but dude! He’s gone Axl!”

  • blah

    got a new slang/phrase “Pulling a Petrisko.”

    (modeled after that homer simpson episode “doing a homer”.)

    definition? basically falling down flat on yer face.

    “I read the blog last night, and the author pulled a Petrisko; the writing was pretty awful!”

  • cool person unlike u FONS

    dorks

  • me

    as a teen from a town where slang is the common language, i can assure u that none of these words are in the slang vocabulary. i had a fun tim readin this tho…hilarious!!

  • me

    Whoa I’m a teenager and we don’t use those words at all

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