I moved to Bangkok from the States when I was three months pregnant, after realizing the father of my baby was having secret sexual relationships with other women. He has made many attempts to get me to come back. I won’t. However, I am lonely here with my mom, and I want to raise my daughter with a husband.
My most longstanding male friend who also lives in the States seems to be interested. He is emotionally honest, calm and compassionate… but he is 60 years old. I fear having a relationship with someone so much older, due to social stigma and due to the potential of having sex. I am also afraid of exposing my daughter to too much relationship weirdness.
Also, how do I deal with her father trying to make himself a part of our lives, when I don’t want this? I am dealing with a bit of guilt about procreating with a person who caused me pain, and wondering whether to expose my daughter to him or not. Deep down, I know it’s best not to. But this desire has been met with much social pressure from friends and family, in the form of “a girl’s got to have a daddy”. There’s also the notion that he is ENTITLED to a relationship with her (via his biological connection), which is what he keeps emphasizing in his emails.
I have been celibate and out of contact with men for almost a year, and I am getting so lonely. What do you recommend I do? Stay here relatively isolated… or return to start a relationship with my old friend? I want to be working, involving myself with the public. But now I feel bored and isolated in tropical paradise.
I think you will wind up going back to the States. Bottom line, you sound very uncomfortable where you are. It makes sense that being pregnant and cheated on, you would go to your mother. But the fact is, your baby is born now and it sounds like you are ready to start your (new) life.
If you wonder about this, just read your own writing. You have nothing good to say about “paradise” and I am sure it goes much deeper than that.
I think you have unfinished business in the States. If this were not the case, all your energy would not be concentrated over there. It makes no sense. So let’s talk about these men.
First of all, don’t forget there are more than two men in this world. Considering this, settling for your “male friend” as a partner because of what people are saying… your daughter needs a father and so forth… well I just don’t think this is wise. I also think hooking up with a 60-year-old man when you’re in your mid-20s would be a relationship destined to fail.
It’s nice he’s your friend and he wants to support you, but I would not even consider starting a sexual relationship with him because the odds it would last are very poor, and besides that just listen to yourself. You don’t want to sleep with him, so don’t! It was an idea, you thought about it; you changed your mind. I think if you start crossing things off your list like that, you’ll have an easier time focusing on what you really want to do, and what you’re really going to do.
Now, on the father of your baby. I am very sorry but I do feel he has a right to see his child. And I would think very carefully before deciding to keep them apart, this is assuming that would even be possible.
I understand that allowing him access may very well be the most difficult thing you have ever had to do in your life – short term. But longer term there may be great benefit. And I worry for you taking this kind of stand… playing God, you could say. “I am the mother and I will not allow this child to see the other half of her…”
Do you see what I mean? That is an enormous act, sure to have consequences in proportion. And I won’t speculate what they may be, but I can tell you this for sure.
If you do manage to remove him from the situation, there will be a VOID in your daughter’s life. I don’t care what you fill it with, or who you try to fill it with, she will have a hole. And considering he wants to be part of her life, you will be the reason for this. So do you want that kind of karma?
Look. The guy is liar who can’t keep his dick in his pants. I got that. This makes him unacceptable as a partner, but this does not mean he does not have something to offer your baby / his child. I don’t think you can draw that kind of conclusion, especially over the course of a lifetime.
And your daughter is going to want to know. “Where is my daddy? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he love me?” And what are you going to tell her then?
“I decided he was a bad man, so I sent him away…”
She isn’t going to like that. Would you? So here’s what I would do. I would give this guy visitation for sure. I would clutch it up, so to speak. I would contain my strong emotion, trusting that the heaving would lessen over time.
Once I got this situated, I’d get back out there on the market. Not because your daughter needs a father – she has a father. But because you’re lonely! And I’ll tell you something, as a single mother myself: you are in a position of power when your children have a Dad. You don’t have to be out there desperately looking for a father for your kids. You need only look for someone who pleases you, which solves your other concern. The “relationship weirdness” that is. It sounds like this:
“My daughter is with her father, I’m free to go!!”
Instead of this: “I can’t go because my daughter’s father is an asshole and I am totally fucked up here… do you think you can save me..?”
Get it? Short term, major heartburn. Longer term, worth it in spades.
Look. I see the Capricorn in your chart and I know you want to be a good parent. That you take parenting very seriously and I support you in that. But for your daughter’s sake, I think you need to be very wary of making decisions that are fear-based. For example, with her father.
You fear he is going to mess you up and I fear you underestimate yourself. What is going to be best for you daughter, is what is best for you. And what is best for you is to face your fear. I think you will be amazed at your own prowess and the support you get from all directions, once you concoct a plan that truly serves all the parties involved. Good luck.