By Johnny Butane (of Dread Central)
Beneath Still Waters (2005)
Directed by Brian Yuzna
Years ago, two boys vowed to go to their doomed town one more time before it is buried under the sea. They walk through the deserted town full of empty buildings, only to realize too late that in fact they’re not alone. The wall of water crashes down. Now the ocean that took the town is hungry and pulling in new victims. That’s what the movie is about.
So the chick on the cover who is very inappropriately Photoshopped is Morella, and she’s the host in this All-Night Spooktacular Dusk-to-Dawn Horror-thon, as the back cover describes it. Who is she? What the hell does she have to do with these movies? And why does she look so scared on that cover? Anyway, the movies in here are Grave of the Vampire, House of Evil, and Guru the Mad Monk. But you know you’re going to buy it because of the well-endowed Morella, right?
Though the title doesn’t make a lot of sense (I seriously doubt even the dark fable that was the original Cinderella had anything to do with plastic surgery), the film itself is actually pretty good. Not your typical Asian horror movie, though it's nothing groundbreaking either. The story is about a girl whose mother is a well-renowned plastic surgeon. Suddenly her friends who have had work done by the mother start dying around her, and she’s forced to get to the bottom of a terrible family secret.
A former Superman one of the living dead? Only on the Sci Fi Channel, friends. Dean Cain starts in this bizarre movie about a beetle who carries a zombie virus (that’s a new one on us). He bites Cain, who’s so damn tough that he only becomes half zombie instead of full-on ghoul. Now he’s back in the U.S. and fighting all his former fellow soldiers, none of whom were tough enough to fight the infection the way he did and are now cannibalistic madmen.
Now this is what I’m talking about, yo. Anchor Bay continues its new Collection line-up with a feature-packed DVD release. For those of you who live in a cave and have never seen it, Phantasm is about a boy, his brother, the local ice cream man, and what happens when they realize the new local morgue is actually a portal to another dimension where humans are being used as slaves.
If I remember correctly, this is the first sequel that really didn’t try and make a lot of sense. Mike and Reggie continue to travel through the wasted landscape of small town America, following the Tall Man’s path of destruction in an attempt to finally put an end to his reign of terror. Anchor Bay has also stacked this disc with features, including new commentary by stars Angus Scrimm and Mike Baldwin, deleted scenes, and more!
In the 17th Century a coven of witches is terrorized by a corrupt public official, which I thought was more or less standard practice back in those days. Anyway, they don’t like it so they put a curse on the man’s bloodline to face horrible retribution if one of them should fuck with the witches after their sister is killed. Now it's 300 years later and the curse is still going strong, working its way into the life of a woman in an unhappy marriage who is plotted against by her husband.
A group of friends in the Netherlands get stuck inside an abandoned mine while going on a tour of it. They have a Ouija board with them, of course, so they decide to kill some of their time with it. Unfortunately for them, the very same mines were where convicts used to be sent to detect gas leaks back in the 1800’s. No one ever survived, so there are a lot of pissed-off spirits just waiting for a reason to come back and fuck shit up. One of them, in fact, starts hoping from body to body to make sure shit is thoroughly fucked up, and a slaughter night ensues.
It’s never a good sign when a submarine disappears from the middle of the sea, especially when it contains a top secret military project in its hull. When it’s finally found off the coast of California, a salvage team is sent in to retrieve the dangerous cargo and discover why it was lost at sea, not understanding what actually lurks inside the submarine. Just in case the title didn’t give it away, it’s a giant CG scorpion.
Now this is a good business plan; in the first Video Violence a husband and wife open a video store in a small town where the locals are obsessed with horror and porn movies only. Seizing the opportunity put in front of them, they start making their own snuff videos to sell to the locals. Brilliant! In the second film they take it one step further and actually host their own TV show, broadcast secretly from their basement. Of course they get a huge viewership in their local area; hell, I’d watch it!