Home / The Needy Woman: A Man’s Worst Nightmare

The Needy Woman: A Man’s Worst Nightmare

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One of the best ways to find out what men like and dislike about women is to hear it from men themselves. That’s why I often frequent the site, AskMen. A section called “Dating & Sex” contains articles and advice about dealing with women – for men and by men. Getting the inside scoop on “man-talk” is extremely useful for a woman. I think of this as keeping current on what’s in on Men Street.

Recently, I came across an advice article on The Psychology of Needy Women. The man who wrote it talked about the different “attachment styles” that different women had. Translation: the varying degrees to which different women are needy.

I’d always known needy women appeared unattractive and weak to men, and have written a few times on how not to appear needy in a relationship. However, I’d never quite imagined the extent to which men were petrified of needy women. Let’s just say that, after having read the article, I now understand that getting into a relationship with a needy woman is a man’s worst nightmare.

Do you feel like there might be worse nightmares than that? So do I, but not most men, apparently. The article states, “knowing your woman’s attachment style can… help you determine whether or not she’s worth dating.”

Worth dating? Apparently, this is what men evaluate when they first start dating a woman.

When a woman first starts dating a man, she analyzes him very simply: Is he attractive enough? Does he dress well? Is he employed? What are his hobbies and interests? Will he call again?

The men, apparently, analyze women on a much deeper level: What are her psychological issues? What is her relationship with her parents? What are her past relationship experiences? How needy is she?

And there you were, worrying about your hair!

My advice is to first figure out your attachment style. How much attention do you need? How afraid are you of losing your man? Do you require constant reassurance due to low self-esteem?

Once you understand your attachment style and your needs that flow from it, the best thing to do is to find a man with similar needs – someone with a similar attachment style to yours who will not perceive you as needy. The problem with that approach, however, is that it’s not so easy to figure out someone’s attachment style at the very beginning of a relationship. Men are much better at hiding their neediness than women.

The only way to deal with this that I see is for a woman to make a conscious effort not to appear needy, especially during the first few dates. Think about what you can do differently to increase your appeal and convince your man you are anything but needy.

In the beginning of a relationship, it is all about making the right impression, and you need to give him the impression you don’t care if there is another date. Let the man decide how much he needs you before you reveal how much you need him. Later, when a man determines he can’t live without you and leaves you in no doubt about how much he needs you, it will be okay to show him the needier side of you.

If the relationship turns into a committed relationship, and you still have doubts about how much he needs you, well, you might have different attachment styles. The ultimate goal is to find a man who doesn’t leave you wondering. If you find you are wondering for too long, then it’s time to go back on the market. You obviously have some more picking to do!

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About Ani Ram


    This is terrible advice. You are encouraging CoDependency.

  • BigDan

    Sounds like games to me. hideing the beast till you suck him far enough. But he covered that in the article too when he said the relationship will start out just fine with out signs and after a while, POW!
    I guess he is familiar with your article.

  • Rob

    The best approach is to understand yourself and what you need in a relationship and express that early on. Guys have needs too but we dread the idea of being a mere resource to a woman. We want genuine love and affection and we will reciprocate in return. Just like how women dread the idea of being used for sex men don’t want to hear from you every time you need something and only then. That is using someone and it’s abusive. Call some other sucker for that bs! Which woman wants to hear from a guy every time he’s horny and only then?!

  • Tony

    My ex gf was probably one of the neediest woman on the planet! I loved her very much. However I couldn’t handle her insinuations that she isn’t good enough for me and me not allowed to have any dealings with woman, even at work. I remember one christmas eve in her drunken state I had to reassure her that I loved her as she hit me. She was upset because a girl from work invited me out to a fellow staff members bd. I even invited her. But wouldn’t go because she was convinced that everyone at my work hated her. Eventually she left me for another man that was just as possessive as she is. Probably the worst relationship I ever had!! And I still love her.

  • stephen

    come on like a guy is going to reject a woman because she is needy! you women always think we have the same options as you do like theres a whole pletera of women out there sure there is women but the one s that like men for you they are compared to men who like and want a woman its not even close all the men who write in these columns with there opinons are wusses who probebly havent had sex in years compared to women that are doingit right now while we are talking on this stupid site ! just go whack off like the rest of us single men that have lost our women and quit fanticizing that you will get a women based on what you think or how women say it ” self confidence” that dosent work eaither us divorced men are in deep shit get over it women say we can them by thinking that we can! i dont get it i have heard this amillion times i just dont see it – the dating books say it works for all men regard less of looks or income really prove this one or we sould play had to get because women want a challange maybe that works in one out a million times from what i have seen there is know method that works better than others –face it they are way aheaed on this scoring game we are just thier little puppets — tell me im worng! for every time we have the complete luck to posibly have sex with a women they have had five of that six percentile that they are looking for you know six foot all hair and a hundred grand a year –six percent of men while the rest of us feel crapie about ourselfes making the chances even less being single and ove4r fifty -seems like a no win situation -unless you are constantly trying to feel positive but who can do that! I personally have struck out big time and sure would like another chance but every time i end spending a ton of money sure i got laid but also lost my house -my boat-my truck and i live in my truck right now while all my exs are getting laid right this minute!what fools we men are! They dont give up noting for us while we are vying for their every move what a joke do you actully think a womans going to put out because we “think positive” there not stupid we are

  • eddie

    The thing about needy woman who are older say45+ is they have seen all the good and all the bad in men…that just don’t qualify to them….so their standards get higher each time and the neediness just gets magnified…then they reach the married by 50 thing and it gets magnified again…I know a woman who is turning 49 soon…she has never been married but broke a few engagements off…she is fantastic except when she’s needy…..and the older she gets the worse it gets

  • DanielR

    A woman that doesn’t show any emotional needs can be seen as. Old and even unattractive

    The line “and there you were, worrying about your hair” makes me think of how we man go from physically accepting the girl > to dating > to a deeper analysis. This is because beauty is pretty much what we see first before considering dating in my opinion. .

  • drex

    needy women are never satisfied.. when a man has given all he can, or is prepared to.. If it is still not enough, then one is left with something that can be very difficult to end..

    • Natalie

      Truth. Harder when they hide their character out of fear and reveal it when they are either safe or desperate.

  • joe schmoe

    as a gay man I find needy women really frustrating. The manipulation and self entitlement is oppressive. Can’t I just do my job without this crap?

  • looking for a good woman

    I can’t tell you the hell I went through with a needy woman, her crazy ex, half ass job and her even worse kids. She was more trouble than she was ever worth and tried to suck me dry. Honestly I believe all the bleach she used on her hair and chemicals for those fake nails has damaged her brain.

  • Well I agree with Steve mostly. I make six figures and am six foot and handsome but women still aren’t into me, are obsessed with themselves. You try to do nice things for them or get a girlfriend they’ll say “you’re needy.” I haven’t gotten laid except a few ONS in 5 years, but I guess now I just go out and practice game but they say “Oh but you’re such a nice guy”. Well it’s like every time a woman says that to me I become less so. Eventually I’ll learn to use you women just like you use men. Or move to a country without feminism where people still have sex.

    P.S. I can’t imagine this getting better when you get older. I’m 27 now. But men just biologically aren’t attracted to women who are above 35 after the women can’t procreate. Especially in this country where there are so many women that don’t take care of themselves physically, thus giving the impression of extra age. I’d rather just move to another country like Thailand and get laid with young chicks.

  • Mike G

    I left a very needy and, quite frankly, disgusting person (my ex-wife) a few years ago. Needy people have a tendency to attempt to control a relationship and get out-of-control and appear childish. Then, when she eventually started dating and to this date (nearly 3yrs later) she thinks of me even though she is ‘doing what she’s doing’ with another guy, she knows she made ENORMOUS mistakes and realizes that I was the ‘one’ and will never re-marry. She makes appempts to contact me or create a situation where I must respond….HA!!! What a loser… Since my marriage ended I’ve been with more than a few dozen women (I’m not a ‘player’, I’m looking for that person). Unfortunately, she’ll never find that person. And after what she put me through, I actually find some satisfaction in her pain. It may sound terrible, but it’s the truth. Her longtime ex-boyfriend she had before I dated her felt the same way. Some of these people are just not meant to have it all… sad for them. It may seem malicious, but when you made someone’s life hell and wasted a few years of my life, that’s whatcha deserve! : )

    • Jo

      You sound like a horrible person

    • Jo

      You sound like the one with psycology issues , not your wife

  • Sal

    That article is a load of crap. I actually like ‘clingy’ women because they at least appear that they are really into me. Would I rather have the reverse problem where I get blown off left and right and think that she’s not into me? If she does that, I just assume she’s meeting up for the free food and entertainment for the evening, or was bored and didn’t want to stay home alone. I think that is much worse. Is there really an underlying problem with a needy woman?

    • Natalie

      There is a problem for anyone who perceives them as needy and are repulsed by it.

  • once married twice shy

    I dont mind being there and doing things for my girl. i dont mind even helping her out when she needs it. But if its going to be an everyday problem and she doesnt try to help herself, then shes not for me.

  • Dude

    Awful article.

  • Craig

    Needy is good to a point. It becomes hell when the woman can’t do anything on her own such as taking care of important things for self improvement.

  • blg

    beware gents, there are woman out there who pose as men on these forum to make you think other men think like they do. There are some nasty deceivers out there…

  • NeedyAngel

    Smiles to Sal^.^

  • Andy

    The writer of the article obviously doesn’t get it.

  • AquaCat

    Logically it’s sexist to assume being “needy” is gender specific. I would take any article with a grain of salt that failed to clarify. Maybe it’s the bottled tap water, noxious smoke, and poorly filtered liquor slowly eroding commonsense out of society. The fact is, there are both needy women & needy men. Nobody’s perfect, everyone has issues. Relationships + deceit = waste of time, horrible advice! Communication & respect is a good backbone to a relationship of any magnitude, needy or otherwise. Don’t like something thats going on, speak your mind. Respect the other person, agree to compromise, or just break it off.

    • Akiko Fujishima

      I didn’t read anything in the article that said it was gender specific… All I read was an article about needy women.. It’s only logical that there are also needy men.. But, this article was particularly about Needy Women.. not Needy People.. However, you can find a multitude of articles on the internet about Needy Men, if you need to read about it…

  • JustManUp

    A woman needing attention is a given. But a woman who needs there to be a problem to worry about is hell. The type that can always find a relationship issue. Or can always find something to be depressed or stressed about. Small things that just distract from the miracle of living. Fellas, life goes fast. Stop being a sucker for women and getting your life force drained. Take care of your health, hit the gym and bodybuild, stay young at heart,

  • Lazyblackpeople

    Stage 5 clinger

  • Bamafan78

    I agree with JustManUp!

  • Booker

    What about a young man who is leaving the state in two months and meets a girl before he leaves and she claims she is in a relationship with him on Facebook after 19 days of knowing him?

    • Akiko Fujishima

      That is creepy! 😮

  • Eric West

    I googled this topic because there is a woman I am trying to understand. She constantly clacks her heels at work! I’m not saying she should use a wheel chair while she works but it seems like she loves the way her heels sound in a quiet atmosphere. What I don’t understand is why someone would want themselves to be known like this? In other words, shattering the quiet with noisy heels. I don’t know but it seems very needy. Does this person not get enough attention from her spouse? To make matters worse, the heel clacking comes from an adjacent office so we have no idea who the phantom-clacker is. That should give you a clue as to how hard she slams her heels into the floor. I am concerned for her mostly because it’s having the opposite effect – people are making fun of her: pirate with a wooden leg is at it again. Maybe women need to understand that while some men may be attracted to the look, the sound is downright childish and borderline whorish. It would be like a man stamping his work boots continually.

  • Akiko Fujishima

    I see a lot of whiners saying “What about needy men?!” Well, if you look around on the internet, there are loads of articles about Needy men.. It’s really “bitchy” to complain about this article.. if someone is writing an article about needy women, of course they are not going to write about needy men.. Get over it.. if you want to read about needy men.. look for an article about Needy Men. I came about this because of a friend of mine.. She is needy as f**k and needs a serious wake-up call.

  • Natalie

    Not all women analyze men simply like you described on the first date. That’s a big generalization and as a woman, I’d be lying to say I evaluate those qualities much. I definitely am repulsed by men and women I perceive to be needy.

    And to deceive my hiding your neediness? That is manipulation and you are employing one of the tactics of the most draining people I’ve met. You sound like someone who doesn’t understand the needs of others. A big one is usually honesty. Trust me…people know manipulation, sooner or later.

    I think my friend read your article and just pulled the big reveal of her true character on me. I’m majorly struggling and because of the mindfuck, I don’t even have the energy to remember the good times and feel affection for her.

    Really bad advice. But it sheds light on how my friend must think. Thanks.

  • Alex Cougar

    I actually find being needed helps me to feel fulfilled. I like being the knight in shining armour. I often date needy women because of this.
    Speaking as a man with this unique perspective, the issue is not the clingyness itself.
    Things always go horribly wrong when dating needy women.
    I wish people would phrase this better so we could each understand the other’s side better.
    It isn’t that being needy is a “turn-off,” it’s that lack of independence is a red flag.
    When dating someone who is very dependent on you, then rather than the relationship being mutualistic, it becomes parasitic.
    They want to be reassured of their every insecurity all the time.
    They never have any interest in improving themselves. If you point out any way that they could improve themselves, they accuse you of not being supportive.
    After you’ve been with them for a while, all of your time is consumed by reassuring them about every single insecurity.
    I end up feeling exhausted all the time and my work is often affected.
    But at this point in the relationship, you think they would be helpless without you (because they’ve told you exactly that) and you are often guilted into staying.
    Now here’s the part that really pisses me off. After you break up, (which I always do in the most gentle manner possible) they still work to exploit you in order to get attention.
    They tell their entire group of friends that you were abusive. That living with you was absolute hell.
    When that happens (and it happens more often than you’d believe), you realize that you meant nothing to them. That the past several months, or even years, were meaningless. They just wanted attention and they could have gotten that from anyone.
    Just so we’re clear, I am not some Masogynistic creep that runs away whenever I am needed in the slightest manner.
    Whenever they confide in me about some sort of insecurity, I am overwhelmed with joy to know that they trust me enough to confide in me. I value closeness. I love to hold them and reassure them that everything is alright. I treasure that bond.
    But whenever I see that pattern of behavior of taking without giving, of always demanding more, of simply using people to get attention and elicit sympathy, I try to get out before I’m guilted into another one of these unhealthy relationships.