Oh boy, the National Socialist party is returning to Toledo!
OK, I’m not that thrilled about hate speech coming to town. Santa Claus, on the other hand … wouldn’t incite riots.
It’s bad enough we’re a shrinking metropolis. Our incumbent Democratic mayor was lost in the November election to a former Democratic ex-mayor by 24 points. Native Toledoans show up on TV as cross-dressers and, scarier still, want to marry Tom Cruise. One of us stole millions of the dollars from the state. And we have a Catholic elementary school across the street from a Hooters.
[ADBLOCKHERE]OK, so we’re a weird, quirky town for a Midwest haven. Not only do I accept it, but I thrive in it and embrace the city.
But the public violence in October is far from weird. It’s far from quirky. It’s sad. It’s extremely saddening to know that my people resort to throwing rocks through an ambulance windshield and razing a convenience store simply because they are offended by that Nazis came to town to stage a hate-filled rally. They got their wish — the rally never occurred — but as a result they turned a Toledo neighborhood into chaos and thrust our weird little city into national headlines where they don’t belong.
But it seems that on hot-button issues like race and politics, America believes it should take its own rectal temperature on such issues by jamming a thermometer into us. We may be at the geographic midpoint of Detroit, Cleveland, Cincinnati and Chicago, but we were in the crosshairs of the 2004 election when our city aired more political ads than any other market.
That’s not the Toledo I love.
The Toledo I love crashes buses into Caesar’s, a drag queen show bar. Fortunately I wasn’t hurt, I was in the bathroom at the time.
The Toledo I love embraces strip clubs in all its white-trashily goodness. A sign in front of one particular strip club announces it as the “Home Of 40 Beautiful Dancers And One Ugly One.” (Actual wording is from fuzzy memory. Too much time spent at Caesar’s.) Our radio commercials parade strip club contests, where girls can win cash prizes if they have the biggest nipples or the hairiest crotches.
The Toledo I love airs commercials for Sonic Burger, despite the fact that there’s not a god damn Sonic within hours of here (a three-and-a-half hour drive according to Google Maps).
That’s the Toledo I love. Not one that gets its britches in a bunch over racists.
So now that the National Socialist Party successfully caused so much commotion the last time they were here, the Nazis are making a comeback in Toledo this Saturday.
Why, you ask?
When Grand Funk exits, people put up their lighters until they return and play “We’re an American Band.” (Lenawee, Mich. County Fair, 2003. They still got it.)
When the Nazis saw us burn our own bar to the ground, that was their sign for an encore.
Unless they bring Robert Plant and play “Stairway to Heaven,” the Nazis can march into Toledo and keep on marching right into Lake Erie.
Ain’t no hatin’ gonna stop me from enjoying Christian love and fake boobs on the same block.