Now, listen, you’ve got to totally forget everything I’ve ever said about Celine Dion in the past. What? I’ve never said anything about her? Oh, I think you’re right. Although an enormously popular entertainer, Celine Dion is not at the top of my list of favorites. Or the bottom. Actually, she doesn’t appear on any of my lists. I do remember once hearing a duet by Celine and Barbra Streisand, although I didn’t know it was a duet and I remarked “What happened to Barbra’s voice?”
As popular as Celine is, I have never actually heard any one song that she’s sung all the way through. Our radio is not on all that much, and when it is, it’s not tuned to stations that play Celine Dion. However, all that is about to change. I am now on a campaign to make Celine Dion my new best friend forever (BFF). Not only do I want to be her best friend, but I want to be indispensable to her. I want to be the person she trusts to look after her home (in Florida) when she’s away performing her extraordinarily wonderful show in which she sings incomparably beautifully.
You will, of course, forget everything I’ve ever said about Florida, won’t you? You know, those comments like “I hate Florida,” and “Disneyworld is the devil’s playground,” as well as the comments about the Hummer-sized cockroaches and palmetto bugs (there’s a difference?). Once Celine and I become the very best of friends, and she can’t possibly live with me being so far away, I will simply have to move to Florida. You know, so I can be there for Celine.
You’re not wondering what would cause this change of heart, are you? Because, really, if I ever did have a negative thought about Celine or Florida, it was probably because I was delusional or hallucinating. The fact is, my new best friend forever, Celine Dion, has proven herself to be a goddess among us earthlings. “How?,” you might ask.
Have you seen her backyard??? Celine Dion, according to USmagazine.com, has constructed (not all by herself, of course. I’m sure her neighbors pitched in. That’s what neighbors do.) a water park in her backyard (in Jupiter Island). The water park includes a “twisty water slide, enormous pool, and a ‘lazy river.’” Celine’s waterslide and titanic pool have nothing to do with my desire to be her friend. All right, I admit I am a total lazy river addict. I could go to Great Adventure, Mountain Creek, or Dollywood, jump on a tube, and spend the day on the lazy river. I suspect that the hospitality at Celine Dion’s house is even better, and I wouldn’t have to get out of the water to get a nice, refreshing frozen strawberry daiquiri (which I can’t even get at Dolly’s Splash World).
Be honest, don’t you think that it would be worth it for Celine Dion to invite me to live in her back yard (I’m sure she must have some nice cabanas to sleep in) if, in return I was always polite to her, and maybe wrote a few really good reviews? You could help me out, too—just buy a lot of Celine’s DVDs and CDs and tell them “Bob sent me.”
By the way, this offer is open to everyone in Florida (hell, this is open to anyone, anywhere) who lives in $12.5-million mansion and has a water park in their back yard. Even Mickey Mouse.