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My New Best Commander-in-Chief

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Lately, I’ve found myself bombarded with two television spectacles that seem to on my television set nearly every second of every day. One is Paris Hilton’s My New BFF and the other is the Presidential election. Who knew that there was this much gossiping, pandering, and backstabbing going on in the world? And by that, of course, I'm mainly referring to the election coverage.

Is there anyone alive who doesn’t think that there is a problem with candidates spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get a job that pays a mere fraction of what we pay disgraced CEO’s to retire in the Hamptons after wrecking our nation’s oldest financial institutions? If it’s true that more people vote for American Idol contestants than for the prospective most powerful man in the world, why can’t we just kill two birds with one stone and make this mess into an entertaining reality program. You know, something that would contribute to paying our engorged national debt.

Taylor Hicks aside, who is the truly informed voter – senior citizens in Florida or your average texting Claymate?

Face it, who do we really know better John McCain, Barack Obama, or Onch, the colorful bisexual Paris BFF wannabe, whose favorite color is rainbow? You know, the dude that Paris’ mom thought was just another girl out for some Paris swag that nearly wet himself when faced with the challenge of riding a roller coaster. I know that John McCain was in a really treacherous prison camp, but that was a really long time ago. I think he owes it to the nation to let us see how he would handle himself on an amusement park ride. It's been over a year and I have no idea what Joe Biden's favorite color is.

When Onch cleaned a toilet with another contestant’s toothbrush, Paris brought it up at the next lunch. Would Paris have ignored Bill Ayers for an entire debate like John McCain did? I doubt it.

Does Barack Obama really want to redistribute wealth? I bet we’d know better after seeing him react live on camera to getting a bunch of Paris swag after winning a “who’s the least fake” challenge.

Wouldn’t Sarah Palin look just as spiffy in a Paris’ designer jeans as she has after her $150,000 spending spree? I know that the candidates need to look good, but why not just let FOX or ABC foot the bill? They already have fantastic make-up professionals on call.

Wasn’t Hillary Clinton’s entire campaign crying for a moment where Paris would confront her about her poor marital choice with, “Hillary, you’re married to a bimbo and we all know that bimbos are only there to make sex tapes with, not to marry. I don’t know if I can have someone who makes such poor choices as my next Commander-in-Chief. I’m sorry Hillary, but you’re up for discussion.”

How does John McCain really feel about Sarah Palin? I’ve seen respectable journalists interviewing body language experts for the truth. Wouldn’t we know sooner and more definitively after Paris put them in a closet together to play “Seven minutes in heaven?”

Face it, modern Presidential debates have become a complete and utter waste of time. No one answers the moderator’s questions, there is never any time for true follow-ups answers, these things are on every major network, and nothing is ever really accomplished. Wouldn’t we know a lot more about McCain and Obama after seeing them trash each other in Paris’ Burn Book?

John McCain blew off David Letterman to go save the economy, but would he have risked Paris’ wrath by blowing off the “Who can party all night” challenge? People have been trying to fix the economy for years; what we really need is a President with the stamina to out-dance Zui, Kayla, and Kiki, and still have the energy to play man-polo the next day at Paris’ country club. Show me a president that can dance all night, ride a male stripper with a mallet, and still come up with a good original dinner toast for Paris and that’s the person I want dealing with Vladimir Putin.

Look we’ve given Bill O’Reilly, Keith Olbermann, Anderson Cooper, and those 400 guys with laptops on CNN plenty of time to get to the bottom of this year’s Presidential Race, and frankly they’ve done a pathetic job. Do you really think that Paris wouldn’t have seen through that patented George W. Bush smirk in about 30 seconds? “Look George, I make a lot of public appearances and I really don’t need to be surrounded by more people struggling to conjugate their verbs properly. I’m sorry, but you’re up for discussion.”

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