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My Favorite Clean Jokes

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Sometimes, I hear a joke or read a funny story that makes me laugh out loud. It can be a funny greeting card, a comedian on the TV, or perhaps a comment from one of my many editors.

This being said, I have decided to spend the day telling you some of my favorite jokes, and to encourage readers to send in their favorites.

I say some, because I have a lot of favorite jokes, but some are not quite the cleanest…but here goes.

Since none of these are original. I’ll start with a Rodney Dangerfield line:

Normal people are just people you don’t know very well…

Or how about the obligatory insurance joke:

A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live."

"Oh that's terrible," the woman sighs, "What am I going to do?"

The doctor replies, "Marry an insurance agent."

"Will I live longer?" asks the woman.

"No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Beware of Doug

I like set-up jokes. For example, during the holidays, you find a lot of people talking about their weight. I will let these conversations go on for awhile and in a matter-of-fact way, I will interject:

Hey, I know how you can lose ten pounds of ugly fat…cut off your head.’


You’re at work and the chatter turns to music. I will use this situation to fit in this little gem…

Hey, I was watching a special last night on Stevie Wonder. Do you know who he is?” (Yes)

What a great special. Have YOU ever seen his house? (No)

Neither has he…

This one I remember from a Tony Kornheiser article a few years back:

Duck walks into a bar:

Bartender: What can I get you?

Duck: Got any duck food?

Bartender: We don’t sell duck food.

Duck: Thanks (and waddles out).

Next day, the duck walks into the bar:

Duck: Got any duck food?

Bartender: I told you yesterday. We don’t sell no duck food.

Duck: Okay (and again waddles out).

Next, day, the duck walks in:

Bartender: WHAT!?

Duck: Got any duck food?

Bartender: Look! We don’t sell no #%&* duck food and if you ask me again, I'll nail your stinkin’ duck feet to the floor!

(Duck flies out fast)

A week goes by. Duck walks into the bar:

Bartender: You better not ask me for duck food.

Duck: Okay…ah…got any nails?

Bartender: NO, I don’t have any nails.

Duck: Got any duck food?

So let’s hear your funny clean jokes…the ones that make you burst out laughing.

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About The Insurance Guy

  • Horrible…just horrible.


  • Thank you – I’ll be here all week…

  • Q: What is the difference between an orange?

    A: A monkey, because a vest has no sleeves.

    OK, I have lived in the land of Boeing (life surrounded by these left yet right brained aeronautical engineers) and they come up with stuff like that. Actually quite funny. Don’t outthink the question…


  • Rick Vassar

    There are three types of accountants in the world – those who can count,and those who can’t