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Musician Dies Of File Sharing

North London, UK. Fans and vagrants hold a silent vigil outside of the home of the late Gordon Holmes, who earlier this week became the first musician to die of wounds caused by file sharing. The shocked, despondent faces of the onlookers say it all; I am shocked, and I am despondent.

Holmes had lived a life for the duration of his 34 years, 12 of which were spent as a member of techno outfit Raging Beats 69. Twenty-seven hit singles under his belt, twenty-six of which charted, Holmes was the last person anyone would have expected to die in this manner.

“He was the last person”, said a mourner, “I would have expected to. Die in this manner.”

SLEAZE

Information regarding the death is, at present, sketchy, with the police report being frustratingly vague. “Holmes’ death”, it states, “Seems to have been caused by an overdose of narcotics, most likely cocaine or a derivative of such, which led to a hemorrhaging of the brain and a fatal heart-attack. He died at approximately 9.14 PM, in the kitchen of his house, and fell to the floor, his head pointing north-easterly.” What we can tell, however, is that all signs point to illegal file-sharing.

Holmes had been a vocal opponent of file-sharing since the notorious incident in 1999 when a recording studio, in which Raging Beats 69 were working on their fourth record, was uploaded to an IRC newsgroup and emailed to over 3 million individuals. Shortly afterwards, original front-man Terry Taylor was uploaded to the infamous Napster server and eventually sold on the Russian black-market.

IMMIGRANTS

Holmes’ calls for the reform of Internet Regulation were met with giggling mockery. Prime Minister Tony Blair famously stated that “I’d sooner soak my balls in tar than listen to a fucking word you say.” Others, however, were more sympathetic. “I was more sympathetic”, recalls Anonymous, Sussex, “Particularly with regards the points I agreed with. The points I didn’t agree with, however, I was perhaps less sympathetic towards.”

Michael Gfthy, of People Against The Mistreatment Of Celebrities Via File-Sharing, or PAMCFS, hopes that some positive may come from the shocking, depressing scenario. “It’s obvious from the police report”, says Gfthy, “That Holmes was killed by a file-sharing service. Possibly Overnet, although just as easily Kazaa or some other one. He’s only the first fatality, there have been millions of serious injuries. Britney Spears was killed just last month, although thankfully it wasn’t fatal. Perhaps the death of someone as high-profile as Holmes may alert the general public to the issue.”

FLATULENCE

By way of horrific coincidence, R.E.M just last night issued a statement announcing that frontman Michael Stipe had broken his shin on account of a teenager attempting to illegally download the group’s latest album.

Whatever becomes of the affair, at least one thing is certain. Holmes is dead. That he was killed by internet piracy only makes his death all that more interesting.

The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando

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About The Duke

  • Eric Olsen

    hilarity: what hath the Internets wrought?

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    heh, i always try to bring the important issues to the forefront.

  • naz

    MEtalica is in therapy for similar reasons.

    I hope the file sharing is put to a stop and that metallica is taken care of before someone is seriously hurt.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    yes, i worry for metallica. however, their woes did go ahead and ensure that some kind of monster was one of the best flicks of 2004, so who knows, maybe even mroe file-sharing can only lead to an even more thrilling sequel?

  • http://www.templestark.com Temple Stark

    Somehow it doesn’t feel right without a clarion call — motherfucker.

    Ah, understated British humor. Gotta love it (cause no one else will).

  • http://www.iamcorrect.blogspot.com Lono

    My father was killed by a ‘downloader’. Well, to be specific… he was killed for downloading. Yup, a bunch of RIAA and Sony execs offed him. Lives are on the line here people, stop stealing music.

    of course, if you still choose to… my preference is Kazaa Lite. Less Spyware, and you log on anonymously.

  • http://www.morethings.com/senate Al Barger

    For G-d’s sake, when is the Congress going to finally Do Something to stop these tragedies?

  • http://mike.shelikesit.net mrbenning

    Didn’t The Onion do an article about musicians getting together for a concert called “Us Aid” after Kid Rocked starved to death?

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    heh, glad to see you fine folks are aware of this blight on humanity. and mrbenning, i haven’t read that article (i don’t visit the onion anywhere near as much as i would like) but it sounds brilliant. In fact, the last time i was at the onions web-site, far as i know, it was a story about jesus returning to complain about the passion of the christ.

  • http://www.morethings.com/senate Al Barger

    Why are we sending all that money overseas, when we have singers and movie directors dying of file sharing right here at home?

  • SFC SKI

    Or is File-sharing the voodoo doll of the Electronic Age?

  • HW Saxton

    I’ve heard unsubstantiated rumors to the
    effect that, a lot of moonshine makers &
    marijuana growers in the rural Mid-west
    and Southern states are turning to the
    illegal file sharing game as a means of
    income these days.

    It’s much cleaner,safer and you do not
    have to worry about a computer blowing
    up in your face or CD-R sniffing dogs &
    those pesky guys from the D.E.A nosing
    around your property.

    Like I said, these rumors ARE wholly and
    totally unconfirmed as of this writing.

  • http://www.morethings.com/senate Al Barger

    [In my best Travis Bickle voice] Are you lookin’ at me?

  • HW Saxton

    I really hadn’t given it a whole lot of
    thought Al. But now that ya mention it,
    why does everyone around your neck of
    the holler call you Al “Thunder Road”
    Barger? And regarding those 100 Lb bags
    of sugar you’re always buying,you must
    eat a heck of a lot of cereal my man.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Serious Question:

    Are smut-peddlers irate over the amount of porn clips downloaded over the various P2P programs?

    Because I haven’t purchased a Hustler in years… :-/

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com Eric Berlin

    RJ: At least as of a few years ago, it was generally accepted that porn and gambling were the two profitable online businesses that one (or ones) could get into.

    So I don’t think the smut tycoons are sweating too much over P2P.

  • Eric Olsen

    contrary to the “legit” entertainment industry approach, the porn biz has seem the marketing benefits of giving away some for free and selling a lot rather than seeking to control every morsel and thus restricting penetration, as it were. Ie, they seem to grasp the concept that it’s not a great marketing move to sue your customers when your pie is growing as a result of their behavior

  • http://mike.shelikesit.net mrbenning

    Personally, I’ve purchased more music since p2p. While I don’t download much music anymore, I’ve found that when I hear about a band it’s easier to check out a song and see if I like them than it is to spend 15 bucks on a cd I end up hating. It takes away some of the gamble. If I hate the song, I delete it. If I like it, I order the whole disc.