Blender magazine and VH1 have compiled a list of the 50 worst songs ever... the whole list is to be revealed on a VH1 special on May 12.
Their list inspired me, and I decided to compile my own. I had a couple of prerequisite qualifications... one, all songs from 1971-1975 were immediately disqualified: that five year stretch was so full of cheese — in music, in fashion, in television, in everything — that it should be called the Gouda Period. By definition and point of origin, 95% of all songs from this time period were hideously cheesy (exceptions being anything by James Taylor or the Eagles, "Dream On" by Aerosmith, and some of Elton John's work), and were too slam dunk to include on my list. (You can bet that "The Night Chicago Died," "Billy Don't Be a Hero," and "Croccodile Rock" would otherwise have made the list.) The second rule was that songs intended to be cheesy or novelty songs were also too obvious to be included (thus eliminating "Macarena," "Convoy," and "Pac Man Fever").
I'm sure I missed a bunch; music history is littered with flotsam and jetsam, songs people are embarrassed years later to admit that they liked. But here are my nominees for the P. Diddy Lifetime Achievement Award in Crappy Music.
25. Boogie Oogie Oogie, A Taste Of Honey The most childish song title ever (most childish band honors go to Kajagoogoo). Not only that, but it was a freakin' awful song.
24. When The Children Cry, White Lion This is your brain. This is your brain when dropouts try social commentary. Any questions?
23. You Light Up My Life, Debby Boone It wasn't the first poorly written, schmaltzy love song. It wasn't the last. It was just the worst.
22. I've Never Been To Me, Charlene No song written as part of someone's therapy should ever be released as a single. Ever. 14 year old girl poetry is better than this drudge about some chick being undressed by kings and sipping champagne on a yacht. Hey, honey? If you've been knockin' boots with royalty and flitting about on yachts, your life is pretty damn fulfilled. You're self-discovered already; quit bitching.
21. In Da Club, 50 Cent Not on the list on its own "unmerits" so much as for representing an entire genre. I'm just flat out sick of "artists" who mistake street grammar, boasts about toughness, and explicit references to sexual prowess for talent. Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're tough, you have street cred and you score lots of women. Yawn. And by the way, deliberately misspelling your titles doesn't make you phat, it just makes you look stoopid.