In the course of our ongoing discourses about proper Geometry and Theology, the Duke de Mondo flung me this mp3 across the electronic airwaves from his home in Ireland. Besides being Blogcritics beloved resident foul-mouthed Mick, the Duke is also widely reputed to be Osama bin Laden's homosexual lover. There is reputed video of the Duke and OBL sacrificing a goat to Satan, though it's somewhat blurry. Being the accomplished liar that he is (Did I mention that he's Irish?), I'm sure the Duke would vociferously deny all of this. Indeed, he might have an even bigger lie about me. Figures. Plus, he'd probably claim that the video isn't him, but rather Sasquatch, or perhaps ol' Slewfoot.…
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— go to most recent comments76 - Al Barger
And Shark shows up right on cue, as he does absolutely every time I write a word about Prince, to go on about gay stuff. Now, this particular time, that type of perception was relevant. Usually it's completely not. This does start to get wearisome, so let's see if we can just address the issue here.
Shark, in fact, as best I know, Prince is not gay and has never engaged in homosexual conduct.
Let's assume for the sake of argument, however, that Prince likes dudes. Does that mean that I should stop listening to him? Would his music be less worthwhile?
If I like a gay singer, does that make me gay? Or should I just shut up about them for fear that Shark will think that I'm gay?
Would it be be bad if Shark or others THOUGHT I was gay? Would it be bad if I really were gay?
Is there some reason why Shark is so concerned with deriving hints about my real, true orientation from my interest in Prince?
Is there a qualified counselor among the readership who can help Shark work through his personal issues about homosexuality?
Can you please do so off site and out of what's left of my hair?
Thank you.
77 - RogerMDillion
"If I like a gay singer, does that make me gay?"
No, but if you have a picture of a naked man in your "living room for a couple of years," it certainly begs the question.
and why no pictures of a naked Elvis Costello from the "Mighty Like A Rose" period with only his long, shaggy beard covering his naughty bits?
78 - Al Barger
Roger, the funny thing to me about the Lovesexy poster and exactly the reason I talk about it now is that I simply didn't get the gay thing at the time. I absolutely had this picture on my wall for most of three years, and it never ever occurred to me that it would be taken that way- and no one wanted to say anything about it.
It was only as I was moving out of that house that someone pointed out the obvious. It struck me really, really funny to think that there were apparently people who spent years thinking that my big cracker ass is sitting there pining away for the attentions of "that skinny muthaf(*a with the high voice. Please!"
79 - Mary K. Williams
Dr Pat says:
"American Woman" is okay -- did you know you can Tango to it? ('Course, I can tango to almost everything...)"
That is cool Dr Pat - especially for the whole movie theme.
80 - DrPat
Yeah, you know if you listen to commercials that everything sexy has a tango theme -- Bridgestone tires, Century 21, dog food...
81 - RogerMDillion
Invite me over. After a couple of Newcastles, I wouldn't be shy about asking, "Al, what the f--- is the deal with the naked man on your wall?"
BTW, if it had been a naked Jack White, not gay.
82 - Anthony Grande
Mosh by Eminem, naw just playing.
But it is funny how a site about songs becomes one about homophobia.
Oooh how about American Idiot, by Green Day or Jesus Walks by Kanye West???
83 - Bob A. Booey
You know American Idiot is an anti-Bush, anti-GOP song right?
The Senator SO doesn't get Prince.
That is all.
84 - Anthony Grande
All three of the songs I mentioned are anti-GOP. It was sarcasm.
That's Right
85 - Bob A. Booey
Oh gotcha, Anthony.
The thought crossed my mind, but I didn't think you were capable of irony.
I'll have to think about theme songs for you all.
That is all.
86 - Anthony Grande
Just because I am a Conservative teen doesn't mean that I am not a person, Bobby.
That's Right
87 - RogerMDillion
Of couse, the fact that "Jesus Walks" isn't anti-GOP might have thrown you off, Bob.
Read the lyrics.
88 - Bob A. Booey
Hey, Mary.
"Brain Stew" is about being a meth-head, cranked out tweaker amped up on speed. Did ya know that?
That is all.
89 - Mary K. Williams
Bob Says: "Hey, Mary.
"Brain Stew" is about being a meth-head, cranked out tweaker amped up on speed. Did ya know that?"
Bob - and your point is? LOL. Seriously that's cool. It's not necessarily what the original intent of particular lyrics or melody is(are?) - it's what the song means to us individually. And that can be vastly different from what the songwriter had intended. (rather like BC comments that meander from the original poster's objective-hehe)
"The Impression that I Get" is about HIV/AIDS but to me personally, it represents wondering if I would have the courage to continue my training and test for my black belt.
90 - Anthony Grande
No Roger, Jesus Walks is not anti-Bush but it is sung by a an Anti-GOP/Bush/America idiot.
You never even heard the song. You went all over the web to find the lyrics. It just shows how pathetic your life is.
That's Right
91 - Al Barger
The Green Day song is just mediocre, bland crap. Their best evidence that Americans are idiots is that several million of US have actually spent money on their record.
I like "Jesus Walks" pretty good. His best song of any I'm familiar with, just not particularly relevant to me or any Blogcritic as best I can tell.
And Roger, I would thank you for your openess for asking about the Prince poster, and explain that it's because I think Lovesexy is one of the greatest albums ever made. Then you'd have had to listen to my acapella rendition of Cat's "Alphabet Street" rap- and pray that I didn't start adding choreography.
92 - Al Barger
Anthony, now why are you harshing like this on Brother Roger? "You never even heard the song. You went all over the web to find the lyrics. It just shows how pathetic your life is."
That's just not necessary, and works against the party vibe we're working for here.
Perhaps we represent for you in the movie with Styx' classic "Angry Young Man."
93 - RogerMDillion
"No Roger, Jesus Walks is not anti-Bush"
then why did you say it was an hour earlier???
I never claimed Kayne wasn't anti-Bush; just pointing out yet again an incorrect fact that you stated. I'll add it to the list.
I saw Kayne perform "Jesus Walks" on the Grammys, which was a very good performane, and I believe Shelter from the Storm. Yes, I did look up the lyrics because I wanted to be sure I knew what I was talking about, unlike you, which shows how [censored to save the editors the trouble] you are.
"Then you'd have had to listen to my acapella rendition of Cat's "Alphabet Street" rap- and pray that I didn't start adding choreography."
Al, as long as the Newcastle holds out or there's some other intoxicant close by, dance to your heart's content
94 - Al Barger
Roger, this was in the 88/89 range, so all statutes of limitations are long past on any inappropriate activities from the era. We'll just say that alcohol would have been among the weaker chemical stimulants of the time.
The roomie liked to "dress up nice" and ride his motorcycle barefoot while tripping like a fat rat, and carrying a .45 in his purse just in case any ignorant ass redneck decided to get stupid.
See, that Prince poster was one of the more normal, conservative points of that household.
Good times.
95 - gonzo marx
nice Idea here big Al...
i'm torn between Vital Signs by Rush
and Lateralus by Tool
Bob A Booey...Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes by Elvis Costello...
i used to be disgusted,
now i try and be amused
simplicity itself...
and Silas...i'm laughing and hurt all at the same time.../sniffles
too silly for me to go and lay out more, but for the Ligertarians and Objectivists out there...try Something for Nothing by Rush
Excelsior!
96 - Al Barger
El Senor Gonzo, I know you want to represent all hard, but I have this urge somehow to pitch you with Elvis Costello and "God's Comic."
97 - Al Barger
This now has me thinking about another possibility for me. If'n we're casting some kind of evil black comedy- the most likely scenario for me- I could represent with "Hurry Down Doomsday (The Bugs Are Taking Over)" That evil neo-country comic menace would suit me real good.
98 - gonzo marx
ah big Al...if i went with Elvis it would have ta be Miracle Man
and if i wanted to front so "hard" i woudl have gone with...oh... Murdershow by Motorhead or something...
take a listen to the two i picked for myself...it should make sense once you understand the Lyrics...
nuff said?
Excelsior!
99 - Fred
Being a teen doesnt mean you're not a person, Tony G, but it does mean, as Denis Leary said, that "you dont know shit about shit."
100 - Anthony Grande
I am not naming names but Fred is not a real person. No one comes here for the first time just to say derogatory things.
Al Barger, what I said about Roger was true and necesarry. He follows me from site to site just to talk shit like it is his whole life.
101 - RogerMDillion
Actually, AG, I shouldn't tell you this because of the damage it could do to the timeline, but I am you from the future.
I've wised up, matured and realized how foolish and uniformed my opinions were at this time, so I volunteered to try out a time machine that the Chinese government were, uh...will be working on. Tenses are tough to deal with.
Anyway, I've come from the future to steer myself on a path of enlightenment because I was doomed with my closed-minded ideologies and poor debating skills. Don't you wonder why it's so easy for me to correct your mistakes and half-truths? I have a list of them, and before you mention it next week, Puerto Rico isn't a state.
I can't answer any questions about the future for fear of altering events, but let me put you at ease about a party in your dorm in three years. A lot of people experiment in college, and it's the only time it will happen.
Yours truly,
Anthony Grande 2025
102 - Anthony Grande
Hey that's a nice one Roger, let me try:
I am Roger at a week after graduation.
Gee I am sorry for what I did to you. I was just sooooo ashamed that I couldn't get any girls and that everyone said I was gay. I should have never answered my problems with over eating. It didn't help my popularity when I gained 150 pounds.
I am also sorry I never told mom to let me grow up. I am sorry I let mom make me believe I was sick and made me talk all those pills for asthma and such. I suppose you still live with mom in the future and it is ALL my fault. I would have gotten married but no girl would have me. I was too much of a mamma's boy to go to college, so I found it easier to just live with mom and she can take care of me as we grow old together.
Mom recommended I get a sex change, because being a man wasn't healthy so I am sorry for listening to her.
Maybe we will have better luck in the next life. Oh wait I am also sorry for becoming an atheist. Oh well!
Yours truly,
Roger Maggott Dillon 1960
103 - Al Barger
Note that I tried sending this to Master Anthony privately, but he's given us a fake addy, so I'll make this mild criticism publicly:
Anthony, I'm not trying to be shitty with you or nothing but you're being all hostile when it isn't necessary.
Now, I dig that you're a Minuteman, ready to rumble on a moment's notice and all, but you need to calm down a bit. Roger's screwed with ME a bit a time or two, but we're just playin' here. This ain't a big war and peace thing. He can be a nuisance, but he wasn't harshing on you HERE.
I say this with love, but you just look silly when you get all bent out of shape like this for no cause. All you're really accomplishing when you get mad like this is that you're saying to Roger- in front of everybody, "You win. You've got my goat. I have no control over it. It's yours now."
Plus, I don't see why Roger would bother to strike a second name, as you seem to be implying. If it was him, he could have just said this in his own name. Also, "Fred's" comment wasn't really particularly harsh.
While I'm at it, this statement about teenagers not knowing shit has a fair amount of truth to it. Again, nothing against you. You seem like a decent young fellow, but you're very green yet.
It would behoove you to try to act more humble and deferential and polite. It'd look better on you, and would tend to be more effective. Just getting mad and telling someone off doesn't convince anyone else of anything.
As Sgt Hulka would say, "Lighten up, Francis."
Just a hint, we'd all be well advised not to take anything here personally.
Cheers,
Al
PS Actually, a LOT of people come here for the first time just to say derogatory things. I can tell you from my experience that we've had a fair number of people whose first words at BC were variations of explaining how Al Barger is the Grand Poobah of the Klan and suchwhat.
104 - Anthony Grande
My address isn't fake. I might have made a mistake and wrote and extra g.
Roger didn't make up Fred, but I know who did.
Roger had it coming for a long time and comment 105 was the last straw.
105 - Silas Kain
Oh, Al. Were I a woman I would be your bitch. You're just an innocent rolly-polly cuddly bear type of guy. Out of this place I'll even bet you do candlelight and romantic whispers. You just seem like a semi-sentimental kind of guy.
106 - Al Barger
Now see Anthony, this comment 106 is just what I'm talking about. Roger was mildly teasing you, and you respond with just bared-teeth hostility. Plus, his story was much better on a modest literary level.
Again, even if Roger got my goat like he obviously has gotten yours, I definitely would not be letting on in public.
How much Captain Beefheart have you listened to? I'm thinking about representing for you with "Hothead" from the classic Doc at the Radar Station.
107 - Anthony Grande
You have it wrong Al. This isn't bared teeth response, this is a laughting hard response. I am just teasing Roger.
He is trying to make me mad by following me everywhere and critisizing me only.
But I am just having fun with Roger.
P.S. My email should have 12 gs in it. I don't want you to think I am lying to you.
108 - Al Barger
Silas, ya old sweet talker. If you had a vagina, I'd marry you.
Actually, I'm mean and tough, yes indeed. You can ask my 11 year old niece, who will tell you that I'm her "meanest favorite."
Also Anthony, I'm not criticizing you for the dead addy. It's not publicly available here anyway, but it's understandable that someone might not give out a real email in this type of context. I just meant that it left me no private way to communicate with you.
109 - Silas Kain
Congratulations, AG. I now confer upon you the LOLA 2005 Award...
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world,
except for Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola
Well I left home just a week before,
and I never ever kissed a woman before,
Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
she said, "Little boy, gonna make you a man."
Well I'm not the world's most masculine man,
but I know what I am and I bet I'm a man,
so is Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola.
Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola.
Lo lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola.
The Kinks - Ultimate Collection
110 - Anthony Grande
Al, I am feeling that anger again that you were talking about. What should I do???
I have the urge to write a song for Silas, but that would make ME look stupid.
What should I do Al. I need your help!!!
(laughing)
111 - Silas Kain
Hell hath no fury like a raging homosexual scorned.
And Al, you're my favorite meannie, too.
112 - Al Barger
Doggone it now Silas, you're going to make me have to go pick a fight with one of the resident pinkos. I'ma end up having to slap Balletshooz around a bit so y'all don't start thinking I've gone soft.
My soundtrack for this might be "Mama Said Knock You Out."
I think I'm going to bomb a TOWN, get down!
I'ma go all Herbert Kornfeld on somebody.
113 - Eric Berlin
Al - Since you've brought up Captain Beefheart and seem to be talking sense in the attempt at trying to talk sense into the young AG, I'm going to throw a great song out there for you / anyone to place at the feet of one of the fine personalities here at the mighty mighty BC:
"Zig Zag Wanderer"
Hell, I'll take it if no one else will have it. Great tune, off the great Safe as Milk LP!
114 - Eric Berlin
Damn Al, you're on a roll late this eve, invoking both LL Cool J's best and The Onion's brilliant Kornfeld?
I'm impressed...
115 - Al Barger
Thanks Eric. Perhaps you'll want to check out my recent post on my role model Herbert. Note that they've now created a whole separate domain for HK's employer, including office product descriptions written by Kornfeld.
I think I have Safe As Milk, but it hasn't made a big impression on me. Maybe I need to dig it out.
If I were going to represent with Beefheart for myself, I'd probably have to go with "Tropical Hot Dog Night." Dig that CB idea of seductive island rhythms.
I'm playing this music so all the young girls will come out, and MEEET the monster tonight
116 - Tan The Man
"Knockin on Heaven's Door" - Bob Dylan
117 - LegendaryMonkey
For me… hmmm… hmmm. Hmmm… I have to go with good ol’ Rage Against the Machine, “Killing in the Name,” because I am Miss Aggressive 2005, Kicker of Asses, Puncher of Faces, and this song has always hyped me up.
To My Pal Al, I say this: when the movie about us comes out, the song playing over our first angry I KEEL YOU! e-mails would be “We’re Going to be Friends.” You may now admit your love for me, my dear, my dear.
p.s. these comments done got all crazy-like
118 - Eric Berlin
Later in the film you can play The Dandy Warhols' "We Used to Be Friends"
119 - Bob A. Booey
Worst. Movie. Ever.
The Senator's breakfast burrito is rapidly congealing on a very rare Mary Worth where she advises a friend to commit suicide, thank you very much.
Could that sunset BE any more orange? In Bizarro World, Stan Lee likes me.
That is all.
120 - gonzo marx
no he doesn't Bob A.
but Jack Kirby DOES want to draw you next...
and the worst movie ever is still "Manos:the Hands of Fate"
trust me on this one
Excelsior!
121 - LegendaryMonkey
Good call, EB... and boy does this monkey love some Dandy Warhols. I wish I'd been quick enough on my mental feet to make that leap.
Manos... oh, god... it's bad. Great with the MST3k version, though.
122 - Al Barger
Beloved Monkey, I freely admit that I've loved you for years, and vice versa I know- though the KEEL YOU sentiments seem to have been more yours than mine, if memory serves. That song would sound so perfect over the scenes with you chattering angrily, pounding your keyboard, and flinging poo at me.
In any case, there is some children on the playground element between us that makes "We Are Going To Be Friends" our perfect song. I'd be happy to get down in the dirt with you and play with the bugs and worms anytime.
Berlin's got it all wrong though. If we needed a second song for our mature relationship, I'd go for "Never Tear Us Apart."
Also, perhaps one should not be too suprised to see a post that begins with the Duke humping Bin Laden spawn a comment thread freakier than their goat child.
123 - Eric Berlin
Monkey -- I've been watching Veronica Mars all summer, so it was quick to come to mind!
124 - DrPat
Are we scripting music for a black comedy now? In that case, I'll take Blue Oyster Cult and "Those Shoes" for $100...
125 - LegendaryMonkey
The Dandies got used in a TV show? I should watch the magical picture box, then!
Al, my dear... you're right about the keyboard pounding, frothing, drooling, howling, the flinging of poo... ahhh, the good ol' days.
Ima send you a worm, like in Secretary, but without the spanking and the sex. Must keep things chaste, you know, for I am an innocent young thing. Now gimme my lollipop and my swingset, daddy.
xoxo,
LM