U2 Frontman Bono Vox shocked fans and music industry insiders last night when, during a low-key press conference, a visibly healthy Bono made the following statement;
"It pains me to relate that the rumors are true. I will be dying sometime in the future. To all my fans and supporters, I'd like to offer this here dove what I picked up from the shop down the road. It's gonna fly around in a peaceful manner."
Bono then produced said bird, and did indeed allow it to fly around for a time, before it was caught and strangled by security.
Bono's bandmates appeared tearful yet composed when leaving the conference. The Edge offered only the following tiny quote;
"It saddens me. It saddens me just like it saddens everyone. Bono is a great, great fella. He's one of the nicest bastards I've ever met. No-one should have to die, least of all a fella like Bono, with his glasses and so on. It reminds me of a thing Oscar Wilde said just after he died. He said "Never once did my balls erupt in fury". That sums up just about the whole fuckin situation if you ask me, if you wanted my opinion, if indeed you gave a shite. I'm just beside myself with the horror. The news is truly gut-busting. I'm as shocked as you are, honest to fuck."
Fans across the globe are arranging memorial vigils for when the singer does, in fact, die. One Australian group have arranged for the carcasses of dead pigs to be dropped from varying heights, the resulting thuds producing subtly different tones, playing out the choruses to several U2 songs.
Another small fan club, in the UK, have decided to burn themselves alive, spelling out the name Bon in flaming organs. They have issued an appeal for more fans to join, that they might be able to produce the final O.
The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Phillip Winn
Over a long enough period of time, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Nicely done, Duke!
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
yes. truly depressing news, alas.
3 - Chris Beaumont
LOL!
4 - DrPat
Well, now I suppose we'll have 13 or 14 days-worth of posts about whether (or not) Bono does have a "right to die"!
(As opposed to simply "pulling the plug" on him...)
5 - Dyrk
As W.C.Fields once said"Dying is easy, comedy is hard." better luck next time
6 - Triniman
Very funny!
7 - Victor Plenty
As Mel Brooks said, "Tragedy is when I cut my little finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
8 - Phillip Winn
It occurs to me now that Bono would make that whole "dove" speech in a much more poetic and yet somehow smug way.
9 - LegendaryMonkey
Oh, niiiiice one. This April 1 stuff has me rolling.
10 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"dying is easy, comedy is hard" ooooh that HURT like a sonnabitch, man. I'm bleeding out my guts.
11 - Bennett
MASTERFUL!!!!! The quote from the "Edge" is a real piece of work! Ouch, my cheeks hurt from grinning!
12 - DrPat
they might be able to produce the final O
Because it's all about the "O"?
13 - Al Barger
Poor Bono. This kind of puts our petty personal problems into perspective, doesn't it?
14 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
it does. certainly i feel selfish as hell for devoting so much time to my own illnesses and diseases, when all the while, there was Bono, suffering in silence.
15 - Phillip Winn
Yeah. I mean, people went on and on about that Schiavo woman, but what was her suffering compared to Bono's impending death?
16 - denise
Ok, who's going to clean up all the Diet Coke I just spewed all over my monitor? Stop making me laugh so hard, dude--I mean, Duke!
17 - Al Barger
Popes and presidents are easily replaced. We can always find some hack theologian or politician. But what are we going to do when Bono passes? Who'll be left to look out for us? Bill O'Reilly?
18 - DrPat
Who'll be left to look out for us? Bill O'Reilly?
I knew it! It is "all about the 'O'"!!
19 - Phillip Winn
I was reading this aloud to my wife, which made at least the third time today I've read the thing in detail, and for the first time I caught word "after" related to Oscar Wilde. Man, I need sleep!
20 - Tristan
the dove thing got me---
i'm crying even as I type;
ever wonder why the Mafia puts canaries on the dead bodies of stool pigeons they wack ????
i mean----why don't they put a fuckin' PIGEON on them ?????
(cuz' you'd have to go and CATCH a pigeon silly! you can just go in a pet store and BUY a canary!!!! you never really thought about this ????)
21 - Triniman
I thought Bono had mono. Guess it's more serious than I thought.
22 - Al Barger
We just don't know what Bono will die of Triniman. That uncertainty is part of what makes it so awful. He could get hit by a bus, or he could die of some disease that he doesn't even have yet. WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
23 - Natalie Davis
Gawd, after Terri Schiavo and the Pope... How long is this fucking deathwatch going to go on before Bono's inevitable demise befalls us???
oh the agony!!!
(funny stuff, btw, sir duke.)
24 - The Chief
And I hear when he does die, his body won't actually be at the wake, but will make a special guest appearance, live via satellite. Err, I mean dead via satellite.
25 - Lauren Gale
What's this rubbish about Bono dying I know he will dye but not any time soon where did you get your info from I want prove that he himself said this. Another thing who would burn themselves alive just to spell someones name out in flaming organs thats digusting. Don't get me wrong I really like Bono hes such a great man when it comes to helping others but I would'nt kill my self just to spell his name.