The Challenge
Have you ever heard a lyric that causes you actual physical pain when you hear it? We all have. I put this question to some premier music bloggers. I simply asked, "what song contains the absolute worst lyrics you've ever heard"? The resulting playlist contains the 10 worst song lyrics culled from the responses I received. Of course, what constitutes the "worst" is about as subjective as what constitutes "the best". Bad lyrics have differing effects on different people. Some folks can thoroughly enjoy a song with pathetic lyrics because they either: 1. don't listen to the words or 2. don't care about the words. For others, lyrics are the most important part of a song and detest any tune that is lyrically deficient.
Please contribute to the list by adding the song you feel deserves the designation of "Worst Lyrics" to the comments.
And Now For The List...
1. "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer from the album Room For Squares - 2001
At least the title of this John Mayer song gives the listener fair warning. So it's my own fault that I've suffered through 4 minutes and 10 seconds of this over sexual, cheese-filled drivel.
It opens really strong with,
"We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you"
So John, this "room for two" you speak of, is that like a Châteaubriand for two? Or maybe like a bicycle built for two? What the hell is a "room for two"? Is it just a small room? Or maybe a room with a bouncer that only allows two people in at one time? More likely, you really needed a word to rhyme with "you". Brilliant songcraft indeed.
Next...
"One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue"
"Porcelain skin", "Candy lips"? Let me offer a definition for you Mr. Mayer.
cli·ché n. A trite or overused expression or idea
As for "bubblegum tongue" I must say, I've never seen two words put together so badly.
I could do a thesis on why the lyrics in this song are so bad, but I will just leave you with some choice lines. They really do speak for themselves.
"And if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets"
"I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it"
"I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes"
Horny yet?
Selected by Robert of the Radish
2. "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" by Meat Loaf from the album Bat Out Of Hell - 1977
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Tan The Man
Anything Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson ever did...
2 - wallybangs
Barry Manilow didn't write "I Write The Songs" - Bruce Johnston of Beach Boys fame did. I think he won a Grammy for it. It's still a horrible tune.
3 - Keith Sikora
"The Crown & The Ring [Lament of the Kings]"- Manowar...oh, wait, I thought this was 10 best song lyrics...
4 - The Proprietor
Apologies for the long comment, but perhaps the best reasons for making oldies radio stations go away are songs like Jimmy Gilmer's horrid "Sugar Shack"
and even more insipid, if possible, The Bobettes' Mr. Lee:5 - John Bryson
Alanis Morrisette - "Ironic" - My God, none of the examples she sings about is ironic! How is rain on your wedding day ironic? It makes me crazy whenever I hear the song...
6 - Eric Olsen
I always thought it was "isn't it bubonic, don't you think?"
7 - Rob
IRONIC by Alanis Morissette.
She keeps giving so-called examples of ironic situations which are NOT ironic !
"A traffic jam when you're already late" - that's not ironic. That's just a pain in the ass. There is nothing ironic per se about being stuck in a traffic jam when you're already late. If you were a town planner and you were late for a seminar at which you were going to give a talk on how you had solved the problem of traffic congestion in the area but you were late for the presentation because of the traffic, THAT would be ironic.
"A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break" - that's just inconsiderate office management. A no smoking sign in a cigarette factory would be ironic.
"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife" - that's not ironic. That's just stupid. How big is your sink, Alanis ?? Who the hell has ten thousand spoons ?? And what is this knife for ?? To stab the guy who keeps leaving spoons all over your house ?!
"It's like rain on your wedding day" - no, that's NOT irony ! It would be ironic if it rained on your wedding day and you were marrying a weatherman, and he set the date.
The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called "Ironic" and it is written by a person who does NOT know what irony is.
8 - Victor Plenty
"... ten thousand spoons, when all ya need is a knife..."
Yeah, well, it's probably a good idea not to have a knife too handy when that song comes on the radio.
My favorite commentary on Alanis Morrisette's song is from Sarah Vowell, if I recall correctly: "Irony isn't black fly in your chardonnay. Irony is naming your national airport after the president who fired all the air traffic controllers."
9 - Eric Olsen
all Alanis knows is YOU OUGHTTA KNOW
10 - Eric Berlin
What ought we know though bro?
11 - visualsimplicity
I'm going to have to give worst lyrics to "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies:
None of the regular lyrics of the song had anything to do with the chorus (which I think is about apologizing???). Here's an example:
Chickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing
Huh?
12 - Duane
Poor Alanis. She just wanted to say
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right.
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face."
and provided a few examples. Pretty simple, really. The original title was "Isn't Life a Pain in the Ass?" but someone talked her into the "Ironic" title.
The lyrics were
"And isn't it a royal pain in the ass...dontcha think?"
But it didn't flow right, so ...
I wouldn't think that Alanis's overreaching attempt to sound intelligent should qualify as one of the worst lyrics of all time.
There's some truly bad shit out there. How bout this gem from one of the biggest hitmakers, Barry White?
Uh...
Oh, baby
Oh, baby (Keep on)
Come on, baby (Keep on doin’ it, right on)
Mmm, mmm, mmm (Right on doin’ it)
You got it together (Baby, keep on)
Oh, you got it together, baby (Right on, keep on doin’ it)
Not yet, baby, oh, not yet
Mmm, mmm (My-my baby, keep on)
I swear you got it together, baby (Keep on, keep on)
etc.
13 - Victor Plenty
"One Week" is brilliant and entertaining. You can read deep meanings into the lyrics if so inclined, or just relax and enjoy the ride on their chaotic stream of consciousness.
Apology is, among other things, an attempt to transform conflict into a shared experience. The lyrics outside the chorus in "One Week" express how difficult it can be to create any shared experience when we are all steeped in a popular culture crowded with such vast diversity of images and references.
Also they're hilarious.
14 - Phillip Winn
Clearly, Robert, you've mastered the skill of drawing attention to your posts. You make ludicrous claims, and people can't seem to help themselves -- they must respond!
Seriously, man, the John Mayer song rises above cliche to achieve near-perfection. But I'm guessing you know that. :-)
15 - Mike
Well, originally I had suggested "MacArthur Park," but Drake nabbed it.
So my runner-up vote is "Doo Wah Diddy." Which is just as stupid as "MacArthur Park," except that "MacArthur Park" tried and failed to be good, profound lyrics. "Doo Wah Diddy" doesn't try to be either good or profound, the words just suck. Apart from the obvious (the chorus), how can the girl in the song be both walking down the street AND shuffling her feet? And even if you're the horniest guy on Earth, isn't it a little creepy to have a strange woman suddenly holding your hand and walking next to you?
Did the lyricist suddenly think, "Hmmm, I bet I can write lyrics even MORE meaningless than "Da Doo Ron Ron"?
(By the way, Robert, I really enjoyed contributing to your last group list. Please do keep me in mind for future ones.)
16 - Robert
"ludicrous claims"
hmmm... don't know about that.. Just opinion. According to dictionary.com (which I checked just to be certain) a "ludicrous claim" would need to make a "statement of something as a fact" which I don't think I have done.
17 - Andrew Ian Dodge
There are lots of excruciating lyrics...most of the songs from the 50s for example. As far as really shite ones I can think of...'Stand' by REM comes to mind.
18 - Andrew Ian Dodge
A great song but awful. "Give her inches...feed her well."
Anyone know what song I mean?
19 - Lono
the Rolling Stones, with this gem
She blew my nose, and then she blew my mind
20 - Paul
Andrew, you're thinking of "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions - a pretty good song if you don't notice the lyrics.
But if you're making a Worst Lyrics list, you've got to include some Foreigner:
"Fill my eyes with that double vision
No disguise for that double vision"
"Yeah, he's gotta keep rockin'
He just can't stop
Gotta keep on rockin'
That boy has got to stay on top"
"I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me"
"But I know, yes I know, how to treat you right
That's why you call me in the middle of the night"
21 - godoggo
What I like best about skid row in L.A. is that it's actually identified by a sign there that says "Skid Row." Is this a common phenomenon.
22 - Tan The Man
Alanis wasn't that special.
23 - Marty Thau
How about YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY
(I got love in my tummy)
24 - uao
I always enjoy when Robert posts these because I look forward to seeing what the others have posted, and what suggestions appear in the thread.
Although I made my pick for worst lyric, I'd like to also mention this immortal line from George Harrison's "The Lord Loves The One Who Loves The Lord"
"The leaders of nations/They're acting like big girls"
25 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
""Falling Down", of course, is bullshit."
Uao, THANK YOU
god almighty, someone else who agrees, i think. offensive right-wing trash. as is One In A Million.
this is a grand post, robert.