Band names should never contain numbers
Never, never, never! Come on, people! Why would anyone want their band to sound like a household cleanser? We are Formula 409, are you ready to rock? Most of these bands have a hard enough time appearing not to be mass-marketed products to begin with.
Innumeracy: Matchbox 20
Square Root of Crap: Seven Mary Three
Count Me Out: Sevendust
Honorable Mention: 3 Doors Down, Blink 182, Sum 41, 98 Degrees, 311, Haircut 100, Front 242, UB40, 5ive Style, Six Finger Satellite, 808 State, 10 Years After, Sixteen Deluxe, Sham 69, Three Dog Night and on and on ...
Exceptions: If the number in the name is the same as the number of band members (for example, Gang of Four, The Dirty Three, MC5), then it's generally ok. This is not ok for Maroon 5. Other acceptable number bands include 999 (British emergency phone number), U2 (spy plane) and Five for Fighting (obscure hockey reference). Finally, I kind of wish that Four Jacks and a Jill from Spinal Tap was a real band.
Band names should not be intentionally misspelled
Nothing is less hip than an obvious attempt to be hip.
Krap: Limp Bizkit
Baaaad: 'N Sync
Un-4-tunate: Def Leppard
Honorable Mentions: Korn, Linkin Park, Boyz II Men, NOFX, 24-7 Spyz
Exception: Lynyrd Skynyrd (because revenge against gym teachers is sublime)
The Mother of All Exceptions: The Beatles
Band names should not be stupid catch phrases
We're fun; we're whimsical—we're Wham! Kill me.
Talk to the Hand: Enuff Z'nuff
Don't Go There, Girlfriend: No Doubt
Oh No You Didn't: Take That
Honorable Mention: Go West
Exception: Nomeansno gets a special pass because they're two Canadian guys who aren't really P.C. feminists
Band names should not contain the word 'Mister'
Mr. Big, Mr. Bungle, Mister Mister. Enough said. No exceptions.
Band names should avoid the needlessly stupid
This is kind of a catch-all category. It's for the Dead Can Dance and Trip Shakespeare's of the world. A band name should be thoughtful, clever if possible. It should not induce nausea and tension headaches. It should not be a complete sentence, use made-up words or be the obvious product of the moron's version of a Dadaist word collage.
God, No: Colonel Bruce Hampton and the Aquarium Rescue Unit
Aaargh: Toad the Wet Sprocket
Sigh: Hoobastank
Honorable Mentions: The For Carnation, Everything But the Girl, Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Smashing Pumpkins, New Kids on the Block, Presidents of the United States of America, Tripping Daisy, 'Til Tuesday, God Is My Co-Pilot
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Vern Halen
Hilarious article!
What about Homer Simpson & the B Sharps? Good, bad, or indifferent?
2 - Pete Blackwell
Homer Simpson & the B Sharps is a classic. As is Fingerbang, the boy band from South Park.
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
Was Lynyrd Skynyrd intentionally misspelled on your list as well?
4 - BRICKLAYER
Bob Dylan-I hate that stupid name.
5 - Eric Olsen
I have never comprehended the difficulty with spelling Lynyrd Skynyrd, since every freaking vowel is a "y"
6 - Eric Olsen
nice job Pete and I agree with you more often than not; though I am certain you realize the entire exercise is REALLY subjective
7 - Mark Saleski
except for Hoobastank, which has been mathematically proven to be the dumbest bandname of all time.
i think Bricklayer wrote the proof out somewhere around here....
;-)
8 - Eric Olsen
that is one butt-huffingly bad name
9 - Eric Olsen
isn't the very notion of naming a band at all hopelessly jejune and pedantic? Can't we just call them all what they really are: music?
10 - Craig Lyndall
You make a good point Eric, Jejune is another horrible band name. Oh, you meant the actual word and not the band?
Got it.
11 - Pete Blackwell
Sorry about the Skynyrd misspelling. I feel like Neil Young.
12 - td
Nice article.
I disagree on Rage Against the Machine, but otherwise a good list.
I'd like to submit Maroon 5's first name: Kara's Flowers.
13 - The Theory
great article. i agree with most of it except the numbers. Numbers in number form suck... but written out numbers don't have to suck. For instance, Sixteen Horsepower. Though, I disagree about Gang of Four... terrible band name!
14 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i half way through this great post, but alread i must comment - sham 69 is a GREAT bandname.
and in time spent in wonderful punk-bands here in the ol' hometown, i did indeed commit on of these sins, by being in a band called section 23, but, on the other hand, i think i was also in a band that has the best name i've ever heard, so there.
it was called Julian's Boyfriend.
i still count that as proof enough of the genius of my good friend who done the singin'.
15 - Bennett
Google Bomber - credit to Temple
Excellent post Pete. Especially the bold sub categories. I was in a band that briefly went by Rubber Mohawk, which I thought was decent, we also did one session as Swell Bennett for some drunken reason...
Thanks for the laugh!
16 - The Proprietor
There were some ahem, interesting band names back in the psychedelic era of course. The Charging Tyrannosaurus of Despair, the Peanut Butter Conspiracy, the Underground Balloon Corps and the ever-popular Electric Rectum (presumably either a play on the Electric Prunes or a delightfully subversive urban legend).
Then again, we were scraping banana skins in an effort to gain cosmic consciousness in those days as well :-)
17 - BRICKLAYER
Tom Petty-I hate that stupid name!
18 - Eric Olsen
you're right: Tom Magnanimous would be SO much better
19 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
EO - hahahahhahaha
20 - Eric Olsen
thanks Duker, made my day
21 - Antfreeze
Great post Pete. I always liked one of my brothers band's name, "The Beans". Also enjoyed a band named, "Stool Softeners". At the other end of the spectrum I once saw a sign for a band named "Totally Awesome". Tell me that don't suck.
22 - Eric Olsen
I always thought the Skate Nigs packed a punch
23 - Mark Saleski
Colostomy Grab Bag.
no wait, that's the grossest name.
(actually not even sure if that's a band name...i read it somewhere. prolly in the liberal media).
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
the best band name ever, you'll be aware, is the dead kennedys. and jello biafra is the best stage-name ever.
25 - Bennett
Worst SF band NAME was Pearl Harbor and the Explosions. Worst band? Journey, and the name sucks too!