If necessity is the mother of invention, then a road-trip along the desolate I-70 corridor in Illinois is the mother of random conversation. So it was that my wife and I came to discuss the worst band names of all time. (This is the worst names, mind you, not necessarily the worst bands, but there is a whole lot of overlap.) Passing judgment on band names is an inherently subjective pursuit, so I would like to propose a set of criteria to bring a modicum of consistency to this project. There are always exceptions to the rules, but in general:
Band names should never be only one syllable
While monosyllabic band names have been around for years (Free, Bread, Can, Yes), their popularity has risen alarmingly since the 1980s. Relatively benign (but silly) band names like Ratt and Kix have given way to a glut of bands with names like Train, Fuel, All, Tool, Tar and Cake, proving that less is rarely, if ever, more. While these names may have seemed muscular or pithy after a few bong hits at the band meeting, nothing grates on the nerves or screams "we chose our name at random out of the dictionary" more than a monosyllabic band name.
Unforgivable: Staind
God-awful: Phish
Awful: Live (no matter how you want to pronounce it)
Honorable Mention: Creed, Spoon, Ween, Slint, Rush, Crunt, James, Seam, Ride, Squeeze
Exceptions: KISS (because it may be an acronym for Knights in Satan's Service, which is awesome), Queen (because it's truth in advertising) and Fear (because that's pretty punk rock)
Fun Fact: Monosyllabic band names can almost always be improved by the addition of the definite article. The Who, The Fall, The Kinks—all great band names that would be horrendous if not for "the."
Band names should never contain prepositions
When I hear a band name like Puddle of Mudd, it sends me into a homicidal rage. As lame as it would undoubtedly remain, Mudd Puddle is a much better name for a band. This category is extra-special, because it has what must be the worst band name of all time.
The Aforementioned Worst Band Name Ever: Archers of Loaf
Not Much Better: Letters to Cleo
Virtually Indistinguishable From #2: Fountains of Wayne
Honorable Mention: Rage Against the Machine, Alice in Chains, Souls at Zero, Mouse on Mars, Apples in Stereo, After the Fire, Porno for Pyros, Tears for Fears, Death Cab for Cutie
Exceptions: There is a major exception to this rule, and that is if the preposition is part of the classic band name formula: [someone] and the [something] [preposition] [something else]. For example, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, or Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. Someone should really call their band Brevity and the Soul of Wit, don't you think? Also, Lords of Acid is a pretty awesome name.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Vern Halen
Hilarious article!
What about Homer Simpson & the B Sharps? Good, bad, or indifferent?
2 - Pete Blackwell
Homer Simpson & the B Sharps is a classic. As is Fingerbang, the boy band from South Park.
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
Was Lynyrd Skynyrd intentionally misspelled on your list as well?
4 - BRICKLAYER
Bob Dylan-I hate that stupid name.
5 - Eric Olsen
I have never comprehended the difficulty with spelling Lynyrd Skynyrd, since every freaking vowel is a "y"
6 - Eric Olsen
nice job Pete and I agree with you more often than not; though I am certain you realize the entire exercise is REALLY subjective
7 - Mark Saleski
except for Hoobastank, which has been mathematically proven to be the dumbest bandname of all time.
i think Bricklayer wrote the proof out somewhere around here....
;-)
8 - Eric Olsen
that is one butt-huffingly bad name
9 - Eric Olsen
isn't the very notion of naming a band at all hopelessly jejune and pedantic? Can't we just call them all what they really are: music?
10 - Craig Lyndall
You make a good point Eric, Jejune is another horrible band name. Oh, you meant the actual word and not the band?
Got it.
11 - Pete Blackwell
Sorry about the Skynyrd misspelling. I feel like Neil Young.
12 - td
Nice article.
I disagree on Rage Against the Machine, but otherwise a good list.
I'd like to submit Maroon 5's first name: Kara's Flowers.
13 - The Theory
great article. i agree with most of it except the numbers. Numbers in number form suck... but written out numbers don't have to suck. For instance, Sixteen Horsepower. Though, I disagree about Gang of Four... terrible band name!
14 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i half way through this great post, but alread i must comment - sham 69 is a GREAT bandname.
and in time spent in wonderful punk-bands here in the ol' hometown, i did indeed commit on of these sins, by being in a band called section 23, but, on the other hand, i think i was also in a band that has the best name i've ever heard, so there.
it was called Julian's Boyfriend.
i still count that as proof enough of the genius of my good friend who done the singin'.
15 - Bennett
Google Bomber - credit to Temple
Excellent post Pete. Especially the bold sub categories. I was in a band that briefly went by Rubber Mohawk, which I thought was decent, we also did one session as Swell Bennett for some drunken reason...
Thanks for the laugh!
16 - The Proprietor
There were some ahem, interesting band names back in the psychedelic era of course. The Charging Tyrannosaurus of Despair, the Peanut Butter Conspiracy, the Underground Balloon Corps and the ever-popular Electric Rectum (presumably either a play on the Electric Prunes or a delightfully subversive urban legend).
Then again, we were scraping banana skins in an effort to gain cosmic consciousness in those days as well :-)
17 - BRICKLAYER
Tom Petty-I hate that stupid name!
18 - Eric Olsen
you're right: Tom Magnanimous would be SO much better
19 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
EO - hahahahhahaha
20 - Eric Olsen
thanks Duker, made my day
21 - Antfreeze
Great post Pete. I always liked one of my brothers band's name, "The Beans". Also enjoyed a band named, "Stool Softeners". At the other end of the spectrum I once saw a sign for a band named "Totally Awesome". Tell me that don't suck.
22 - Eric Olsen
I always thought the Skate Nigs packed a punch
23 - Mark Saleski
Colostomy Grab Bag.
no wait, that's the grossest name.
(actually not even sure if that's a band name...i read it somewhere. prolly in the liberal media).
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
the best band name ever, you'll be aware, is the dead kennedys. and jello biafra is the best stage-name ever.
25 - Bennett
Worst SF band NAME was Pearl Harbor and the Explosions. Worst band? Journey, and the name sucks too!