Back in the mists of prehistory, I wrote a think-piece on the worst band names in history. It was an opportunity not only to make fun of some god-awful names, but to give some direction to up-and-coming rockers considering naming their band after a local pawn shop or something they read in a William S. Burroughs novel. I think of it as a public service, really.
This post ended up being pretty popular, particularly in its second home at Blogcritics.org. In fact, it still gets comments a year and half later. Many of these comments claim that I'm some kind of idiot, which is untrue. Mostly, people nominated their own private 311s and Archers of Loafs, and pointed out some categories I missed.
So, without further ado, here is an addendum to my original Worst Band Names Ever post. I'm sure I'm still missing some horrendous names, but I'm only one man and there's so much low-hanging fruit.
Thou Shalt Not Rock the Lord's Name in Vain
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You can't swing a piece of the true cross without hitting a band that thought how mighty clever it would be to put "God" or "Jesus" in their name. Well, it's not clever. It's nothing more than an attempt to garner some free publicity for being "irreverent" and "daring", or it's a way to seem profound without actually having to write good lyrics. Definitely not kosher.
Why Have You Forsaken Me?: God is My Co-Pilot (with extra demerits for violating the Your Band Name Should Not Be a Bumper Sticker Slogan rule)
Jesus Wept: The Jesus Lizard (hey, let's juxtapose!)
Original Sin: Eyehategod (where to even begin with this one…)
Honorable Mention: The Jesus and Mary Chain, Jesus Jones, Nazareth, MC 900 Foot Jesus, The Ordinary Fear of God, Peter Paul & Mary, Godflesh, Godsmack.
Exceptions: Actual religious bands (if you must) and awesome satanic metal bands like Deicide or, say, Christpuncher.
Band Names Should Not Be Acronyms
It's a truism in the rock & roll world that an acronym is a bad band name created to disguise an even worse one. It's no surprise that Electric Light Orchestra went by ELO or Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark were widely known as OMD. It may be less embarrassing, but that doesn't make it Okay.
Note to rockers: If your name is so bad that you turn it into an acronym (I'm looking at you, Bachman Turner Overdrive), you just need to go back to the drawing board. The same logic applies to groups like NWA and A.C., who use acronyms like fig leaves to cover up the naughty bits. Extra negative points to NRBQ, whose acronym actually manages to be worse than its bland meaning (New Rhythm and Blues Quartet).
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - S.T.M
How about band names taken from children's books ... like a friend's, that was named A Dog for Jonathan.
Absolute shocker.
2 - S.T.M
INXS was pretty bad too, until you got the joke. Great band though, mostly
3 - Ray Ellis
I committed the acronym sin in the 80's, with the band name OPM. At the time, I thought it was damn clever: OPM (Other People's Money), but the joke was "Opium". Needless to say, the band went nowhere.
4 - J. P. Spencer
How about bands named from lyrics from other, more talented people's songs?
I've seen a LOT of bands out there, both nationally and locally, that take their names from lyrics either by Bob Dylan (i.e. Cowboy Mouth) or Tom Waits. I remember one town I lived in had a band named Dragstrip Courage. There music was so appallingly bad that I wanted to just smack them with an open hand for sullying a Tom Waits song ("Goin' Out West") by their very existence.
5 - Steve C.
On the last point, there's a lame-ass indie rock band that calls themselves Portugal. The Man. They say the period and second clause are there to differentiate themselves from, you know, the country. The title of their debut album takes the punctuation abuse to new lows: Waiter: "You Vultures!"
Still, it's not worse than Deep Blue Something.
6 - Pete Blackwell
I agree that it's a sin to name your band after someone else's much better song/lyrics/book/movie. Faster Pussycat would be a good example. Not that the movie was even remotely good, but then, neither was the band. Grapes of Wrath is another. Other examples?
7 - zingzing
KLF escapes any criticism, if only because they mention themselves so much on record: "KLF! uh huh, uh huh-uh huh! KLF is gonna rock you! justified! ancients of mu-mu." damn skippy.
8 - Brian aka Guppusmaximus
Exceptions: Actual religious bands...
See, but that's still a hard one to debate because any of the decent Christian metal bands didn't get any credit and they didn't incorporate Christ's name in their moniker,i.e. Devastation,Believer,etc..
But, ofcourse their are the shitty supposed Christian band who sell out: Creed, Jars of Clay.
Granted they didn't use his mane they still sucked ass..LOL!! Jars of Clay... Now that's the shittiest band name ever!!
9 - Brian aka Guppusmaximus
*oops* Granted they didn't use his MANE they still sucked ass
Duh..Name
10 - Brian aka Guppusmaximus
Hey..what would you think if someone named their band with an acronym with umlauts *Smirk*
11 - gonzo marx
fun Stuff here...
i can't believe you actually know who "Godspeed" are, they are from my olde stomping grounds, and used to open for my last band before they got signed by Geezer Butler's wife and toured Europe..then promptly fell apart...only viewing of them i am aware of is on the original "Beavis and Butthead" when they used to watch videos and talk about them as they played... great band whose name was taken from the olde English "fare well" blessing...
oh yeah..good life decision not to fuck with Lemmy, he's geting up there in years, but those hands can still crack walnuts like they were grapes... and i think they may be the band that started the whole unlaut thing in the first place...at least they were the first i'de ever seen in the late 70's
besides, Motorhead still kicks the shit out of everybody in live performance...
Excelsior?
12 - Mark Saleski
don't know if "Godspeed..." is a bad bandname or not but they were a great band.
13 - gonzo marx
heh..only band i'd ever seen with a guitar, drums, singer and TWO bassists...
talk about a "heavy" sound...
Excelsior?
14 - Pete Blackwell
There are several bands with two bassists including the quite popular Tortoise. And, of course, Spinal Tap's "Big Bottoms" was performed with three bass guitars and the keyboards may have been playing a bass line, too.
15 - Pete Blackwell
Also Ned's Atomic Dustbin. They had two bassists and one horrendous band name. How did I leave them out of my first Worst Bands post?
16 - Vern Halen
How about
:Umlauthead
.........?
I bet nobody's done a side Umlaut yet.
Or, ala ?and the Mysterians -
: and the Umlautians.
Ach du lieber, I'm reaching now. Geshundeit.
17 - zingzing
um... gonzo? godspeed used to open for your band? you are talking about godspeed, you black emporer, right?
there must be two godspeeds, or i am reading you wrong.
if godspeed opened for you... much respect...
18 - gonzo marx
well now, i only know of one Godspeed, they were from the Jersey shore
if the band has an "ugly" singer and two bass players, then it is the one i'm talking about..if not, i stand corrected... i think there was only 1 album, and like i said the appearence on the original Beavis and Butthead before they were a series
and back in the early to mid 90's..if you went down the Shore and wanted to see a "heavy" show there were 3 locals hero bands that played together a lot...
Daisey Cutter and Godspeed being two of them... Rope being the one i was in, and we got close, but never got signed before breaking up
hope that clarifies
oh yeah..."and the Umlautians" made me spew soda out of my nose...thanks Vern!
Excelsior?
19 - zingzing
ahh, different godspeed. godspeed ybe! is a montreal-based postrock group... their songs are usually quite long and follow a pattern (to a fault) of slowly building up the sound before what is usually a motherfuckin huge crescendo.
looked up your godspeed though. also looked up rope, but only found a polish group. you aren't polish, eh?
20 - gonzo marx
nah, and there won't be anything on Rope, we were heavy underground at the time..tho we played everywhere in our "scene" from the Stone Pony to CBGB's
all that thanks to one of the True Punk's who lived by the Ethic hepreached..Jacko, former singer for Dirge.. the drummer of which was in Rope and the bassist formed Daisey Cutter...
but enough hijacking this Thread...
my bad
Excelsior?
21 - Brian aka Guppusmaximus
How about:
T.Ï.E. (The Improv Experiment)
22 - Vern Halen
Glad you got a smile outta that, gonzo. Actually, the article itself and this whole thread are both pretty hilarious.
23 - Tom Johnson
How about the Steve Wilson (of Porcupine Tree - and that name is probably a contender right there, I regret having to mention it among those who don't know their incredible music) side project, Incredible Expanding Mindfuck? It has to be abbreviated in stores, obviously, to simply IEM.
24 - eben
Next time instead of saying that your words are irrefutable fact you should realize that all of what you have written is basedentirely on personal opinion, and the criteria and organization of this entire [grouping of words] is objective
25 - Pete Blackwell
Please do point me to the passage where I say my words are irrefutable.