In White Stripes Nation, Geldof will be doing community service performing in a clown outfit for children's birthday parties, like Homey the Clown. A suitable soundtrack for this service will doubtless contain a lot of class Coasters records, particularly "Charlie Brown."
Ashlee and Jessica Simpson
LM: Melt them down for experimentation. We need to find a way to recycle plastic anyway, right?
DJR: If we don't melt them down, which would actually be fun to watch, we could force them to spend the rest of their lives working at a soup kitchen (wearing clothes, mind you) or some such shelter. They got a lot of money for doing very little to better the cause of humanity. Let us balance the scales requiring them to do much for humanity and receiving nothing monetarily in return.
GA: Besides any musical considerations, I'll just say that Jessica Simpson isn't fit to fill Catherine Bach's Daisy Dukes.
Pretty Ricky
GA: Look, Pretty Ricky sucks real bad as any kind of music. But it's so much more aggravated than merely sucking. They just do not sound very gentlemanly AT ALL.
Worst of all, they don't sound like they're even really enjoying their determined whoring. Does this sound like fun, or does it sound like them and their hoes are punching the clock? "you tha worker and I'm tha boss/ grab your pink slip girl, let me lay you off"
Their rehabilitation must begin with learning some manners and respect for young ladies. Start with some classes at the Smokey Robinson School for Young Gentlemen.
Gwen Stefani
DJR: Garbage in, garbage out.
She combined hip hop, reggae, pop, and marching band pep rallies
(atrocious forms of music, all) and came up with something worse:
Love. Angel. Music. Baby. It is bad enough when the youth fill
their songs with vapid lyrics describing shallow, high school emotions.
When you are a 36-year old mother-to-be, it is embarrassing. It is
criminal. It will not escape The People's Judgment.
Gwen's age works against her. She might be past the point of re-education. She will be sentenced to life in Camp Mimi without the possibility of parole or another recording contract (this includes cameos). Her child will be banished to a musicless facility in Greenland in the hopes of preventing a repeat of the sins of her mother (and father).
Article comments
1 - Barry Stoller
Idiotic straw-man posturing. The WS are as corporate as any of these predictable "enemies." JW wears makeup, refuses blurbs, hangs with some super-model - he's as glossy as Frampton. You can't be "outsider" and ubiquitous at the same time. Maybe Neil Hamburger should be your hero.
2 - Andy Marsh
Come on now...no scarves on mic stands? What's Tyler gonna do now??? I know he doesn't hide pills in them anymore...but he still ties them aroundthe stand...
3 - Christopher Rose
Hilarious!
We the people will strike back against the false gods of Totally Weak Songs and their evil minions.
Fun, freedom and the 21st Century will effortlessly combine to loosen the starched shirts and skirts of the fraudulent state and allow the people to rise up out of the valley of darkness and into the golden sunlight of hope. Or something.
Now where's that lameass album you made me promise to listen to?
4 - DJRadiohead
Even those who have yet to endorse The Revolution have to admit the world will be a better place once The Enemies have been dealt with.
5 - Mark Saleski
i'd have more to say but i'm currently listening to a Shania Twain cd.
6 - Timmy
White Stripes are marginal at best. If you two were 14 years old this type of "writing" might be expected, but you're not. It was a funny bit back when you posted your first article. It is tired now. Please stop.
7 - DJRadiohead
I'm purifyin' both our souls, Saleski. Santa arrived a bit late today in the form of bringing me my last Christmas present of 2005: my Chuck Berry Chess Box Set arrived today and it's restoring the soul.
Repent, sinner Saleski that ye might be forgiven.
8 - DJRadiohead
At least you didn't tell me you were listening to Mariah. That counts. For something.
9 - Mark Saleski
don't like cookie cutter "r & b".
though apparently i can take a little cookie cutter "country".
oh well.
10 - Mark Sahm
Would that then make White Stripes cookie-cutter alternative rock, Saleski? :)
11 - DJRadiohead
Listen to Get Behind Me Satan and identify the cutter that cut that cookie. I don't think so.
12 - Mark Saleski
heh. nah, of course not.
hell, "alternative rock" is a sorta meaningless term anyway.
i'll have more to say after i'm done listening to Love. Angel. Music. Baby.
13 - DJRadiohead
I agree "alternative rock" is a meaningless term.
Damnation, Saleski! I even gave you a Christmas present this year. =)
14 - Mark Sahm
Sorry DJR, I took one listen to GBMS, totally dug "Blue Orchid" but couldn't care for the rest. I loved Elephant but GBMS didn't follow up well for me. I consider it a chocolate chip cookie with just one chip.
15 - Mark Saleski
i should post: 10 cd's that i own and should be embarrased about but i'm not because i don't give a hooey about indie cred.
16 - DJRadiohead
Sahm, I agree that Elephant is a better album. I was just making the point that GBMS is far from a cookie cutter album. TWS and Fiona Apple used sounds and song structures that just do not appear in popular music these days. I think Jack took an adventurous path rather than re-making Elephant or White Blood Cells and I think he made a really good album.
As to Mark... hey, we all have so-called "Guilty Pleasures." I don't care about indie cred. I just... well... there is some stuff out there I think is rubbish is all. But that would be a fun "FML" column.
17 - Christopher Rose
Mr Saleski: If you're digging on L.A.M.B., you are one of the groovy fuckers round here! Any chance you'll help me free the people from the false prophets of the
Wasp Streaks NerdsWhite Stripes Nation?18 - Mark Saleski
dunno...i have to admit that i'm a little ascared of the general.
he's got "that look" in his eye.
i used to feel the same way about the DJ, until i found out he dropped his own freaking ipod in a poo-filled toilet.
no longer scary.
19 - Christopher Rose
Don't worry about the Generalissimo, Mark, it's that magnificent monkeygirl I'm scared of! And the DJ dude is still scary too,
pimped uppooped up ipod or not!As for the lazily titled TWS album, I haven't received my copy yet but, based on the little I've heard of it, I'd imagine their cookie cutter was based upon the lyrical insight of Crosby Stills and Nash' "Our House" overlaid on some music found left in the washroom by the guys who failed the auditions for Captain Beefheart's Magic Band. Now there's one of the true greats of American culture!
20 - Generalissimo Alberto
Alrighty Alienboy. Playtime's over. We'll have none of your deviated preversions in White Stripes Nation. Gwen Stefani? Are you out yo damned mind?
However, playing with even marginal associates of Cap'n Beefheart's illustrious Magic Band might be worthwhile. Though I'm sure that YOU would say that Captain Beefheart is no Gwen Stefani. Pervert.
21 - Generalissimo Alberto
Mr Saleski, re: "indie cred" Yup, ya got me. I'm picking out what music to tout based on what the cool guys on campus are listening to. That's why I used Amazon listings for Elton John, the Coasters and Alice Cooper.
Respect my authorita!
22 - Mark Saleski
woa there generalissimo, nobody's accuisin' you of having any truck with indie cred.
though the concept is kinda funny.
23 - BRICKLAYER
Just how do Korn think they're Alice Cooper?!?!? What easy targets you list here. Why no Backstreet Boys or Limp Bizkit? Saving them for your Blind Willy McTell Enemy list? Oh dear, and you forgot Nickelback and Wham also! What a dumb comparison! Don't bother responding because I am done reading this crap thread forever!
24 - Generalissimo Alberto
Bricklayer, I will certainly grant that Limp Bizkit and absolutely Nickelback belong on any proper enemies list. That was an unfortunate oversight by the management. Apologies.
25 - DJRadiohead
I cannot believe I forgot Nickelcrap. Those fuckers belong in Camp Mimi for sure.