Generalissimo Alberto: I'm making a list, and checking it twice. Gonna find out who's naughty and nice...
Legendary Monkey: Um... Alberto, Christmas was two weeks ago. Is this one of those deals like where Uncle Duke slept for weeks through the Doonesbury holidays after snorting too much extract of iguana glands?
GA: Oh no, oh Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart. A snootfull of iguana glands does sound good, but this is much more fun than Christmas: I'm working on an official White Stripes Nation enemies list for the new year.
LM: Boy, what in the hell are you on? Are you mixing up dosages again?
GA: Oh, allow me to elucidate. As so often in life, I'm drawing inspiration from my hero Elvis Costello. Starting out in the 70s, he made a big point of carrying around a little black book that he would whip out to show journalists. He said he was using it to record the names of all the people who had crossed him on whom he planned to seek revenge when he got to be a big powerful star.
So, like Elvis Costello- and Richard Nixon and Joseph McCarthy before him- I'm working up a list of enemies of The People who must eventually face the lash of revolutionary justice.
LM: Uh... y'know, I'm not sure that a list of... enemies is really going to help the cause here. Flies, honey, that old drill may be best.
GA: Yeah, yeah, peace and love and reconciliation. Dubya tried making nice with Ted Kennedy, and what good did it do him? He just got his hat handed to him, and ended up looking weak, like a fool.
No, the opposition must be made to FEAR the mighty wrath of the White Stripes, and respect my authorita! To that end, I'm working us up a list of people who must be Dealt With in an appropriately harsh poetic manner.
LM: Let me see this list.
Wait a minute... Alberto, this looks more like a Big Chief pad than a little black book. Speaking of hero worship and all, do I need to buy you a green hat or--
Oh. Oh, wait, I think you sold me on this. This is an idea I can get behind! Garth Brooks, check. Coldplay, double check. Pretty Ricky certainly have it coming.
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Article comments
1 - Barry Stoller
Idiotic straw-man posturing. The WS are as corporate as any of these predictable "enemies." JW wears makeup, refuses blurbs, hangs with some super-model - he's as glossy as Frampton. You can't be "outsider" and ubiquitous at the same time. Maybe Neil Hamburger should be your hero.
2 - Andy Marsh
Come on now...no scarves on mic stands? What's Tyler gonna do now??? I know he doesn't hide pills in them anymore...but he still ties them aroundthe stand...
3 - Christopher Rose
Hilarious!
We the people will strike back against the false gods of Totally Weak Songs and their evil minions.
Fun, freedom and the 21st Century will effortlessly combine to loosen the starched shirts and skirts of the fraudulent state and allow the people to rise up out of the valley of darkness and into the golden sunlight of hope. Or something.
Now where's that lameass album you made me promise to listen to?
4 - DJRadiohead
Even those who have yet to endorse The Revolution have to admit the world will be a better place once The Enemies have been dealt with.
5 - Mark Saleski
i'd have more to say but i'm currently listening to a Shania Twain cd.
6 - Timmy
White Stripes are marginal at best. If you two were 14 years old this type of "writing" might be expected, but you're not. It was a funny bit back when you posted your first article. It is tired now. Please stop.
7 - DJRadiohead
I'm purifyin' both our souls, Saleski. Santa arrived a bit late today in the form of bringing me my last Christmas present of 2005: my Chuck Berry Chess Box Set arrived today and it's restoring the soul.
Repent, sinner Saleski that ye might be forgiven.
8 - DJRadiohead
At least you didn't tell me you were listening to Mariah. That counts. For something.
9 - Mark Saleski
don't like cookie cutter "r & b".
though apparently i can take a little cookie cutter "country".
oh well.
10 - Mark Sahm
Would that then make White Stripes cookie-cutter alternative rock, Saleski? :)
11 - DJRadiohead
Listen to Get Behind Me Satan and identify the cutter that cut that cookie. I don't think so.
12 - Mark Saleski
heh. nah, of course not.
hell, "alternative rock" is a sorta meaningless term anyway.
i'll have more to say after i'm done listening to Love. Angel. Music. Baby.
13 - DJRadiohead
I agree "alternative rock" is a meaningless term.
Damnation, Saleski! I even gave you a Christmas present this year. =)
14 - Mark Sahm
Sorry DJR, I took one listen to GBMS, totally dug "Blue Orchid" but couldn't care for the rest. I loved Elephant but GBMS didn't follow up well for me. I consider it a chocolate chip cookie with just one chip.
15 - Mark Saleski
i should post: 10 cd's that i own and should be embarrased about but i'm not because i don't give a hooey about indie cred.
16 - DJRadiohead
Sahm, I agree that Elephant is a better album. I was just making the point that GBMS is far from a cookie cutter album. TWS and Fiona Apple used sounds and song structures that just do not appear in popular music these days. I think Jack took an adventurous path rather than re-making Elephant or White Blood Cells and I think he made a really good album.
As to Mark... hey, we all have so-called "Guilty Pleasures." I don't care about indie cred. I just... well... there is some stuff out there I think is rubbish is all. But that would be a fun "FML" column.
17 - Christopher Rose
Mr Saleski: If you're digging on L.A.M.B., you are one of the groovy fuckers round here! Any chance you'll help me free the people from the false prophets of the
Wasp Streaks NerdsWhite Stripes Nation?18 - Mark Saleski
dunno...i have to admit that i'm a little ascared of the general.
he's got "that look" in his eye.
i used to feel the same way about the DJ, until i found out he dropped his own freaking ipod in a poo-filled toilet.
no longer scary.
19 - Christopher Rose
Don't worry about the Generalissimo, Mark, it's that magnificent monkeygirl I'm scared of! And the DJ dude is still scary too,
pimped uppooped up ipod or not!As for the lazily titled TWS album, I haven't received my copy yet but, based on the little I've heard of it, I'd imagine their cookie cutter was based upon the lyrical insight of Crosby Stills and Nash' "Our House" overlaid on some music found left in the washroom by the guys who failed the auditions for Captain Beefheart's Magic Band. Now there's one of the true greats of American culture!
20 - Generalissimo Alberto
Alrighty Alienboy. Playtime's over. We'll have none of your deviated preversions in White Stripes Nation. Gwen Stefani? Are you out yo damned mind?
However, playing with even marginal associates of Cap'n Beefheart's illustrious Magic Band might be worthwhile. Though I'm sure that YOU would say that Captain Beefheart is no Gwen Stefani. Pervert.
21 - Generalissimo Alberto
Mr Saleski, re: "indie cred" Yup, ya got me. I'm picking out what music to tout based on what the cool guys on campus are listening to. That's why I used Amazon listings for Elton John, the Coasters and Alice Cooper.
Respect my authorita!
22 - Mark Saleski
woa there generalissimo, nobody's accuisin' you of having any truck with indie cred.
though the concept is kinda funny.
23 - BRICKLAYER
Just how do Korn think they're Alice Cooper?!?!? What easy targets you list here. Why no Backstreet Boys or Limp Bizkit? Saving them for your Blind Willy McTell Enemy list? Oh dear, and you forgot Nickelback and Wham also! What a dumb comparison! Don't bother responding because I am done reading this crap thread forever!
24 - Generalissimo Alberto
Bricklayer, I will certainly grant that Limp Bizkit and absolutely Nickelback belong on any proper enemies list. That was an unfortunate oversight by the management. Apologies.
25 - DJRadiohead
I cannot believe I forgot Nickelcrap. Those fuckers belong in Camp Mimi for sure.