Then there’s the regret. It’s not really anything that weighs me down, but I can’t help but think about the night a classmate called me and offered me tickets to the sold out Nirvana concert. I don’t remember why, but I neglected to go, mainly because I was pretty sure I’d have the chance to see them again in the future, and I don’t believe I had fallen head over heels yet. I never got that chance again. Nirvana never came back to Hawaii, the place where Kurt married Courtney. I will never forgive myself for not going to that show. I often wonder how my life would be different if I had gone, but then I remember how much it changed based solely on their music, and though it still hurts, I can live with that.
Kurt Cobain would be 40 years old now. That’s hard to imagine, although I do subscribe to that generic thought process of 40 being the new 30. If Kurt were still here, he’d at the very least be living an interesting life. He’d be on our radar. He would not be Elvis. I don’t think he would have allowed that. Maybe he killed himself before he could become “Fat Kurt”, though I’m not sure if he was capable of being anything larger than 150 lbs.
I could’ve done this piece at any time, but I thought today would be a good day to pay tribute. It doesn’t take much for me to remember the legacy. Every time a Nirvana song shows up on my MP3 player, it takes me right back. But it doesn’t really feel that way, because I sort of feel like I’m still there, which sounds a lot sadder than it actually is. I wouldn’t say I’m living in the past, but there are definitely certain things that will never get old, and the music of Nirvana and the influence and inspiration left behind by Cobain definitely fall into that category.
A lot of people ask me who my favorite band is, and I often hesitate. I want to say Nirvana most of the time, but I know people will think it’s an easy answer. But I will not hesitate anymore, because it is the truth. There are other bands who are a hair behind them on my personal favorites list, but Nirvana meant too much to me to ever ignore. I don’t care if you say they only released a handful of albums and that they were around for such a short time. That doesn’t take away from the impact. I don’t care if you disapprove with the way Kurt lived his life. It doesn’t take away from his beauty. I don’t care if you think they were too influenced by other bands. It doesn’t take away from the way they executed it so flawlessly. If it were so easy, there would’ve been a thousand other Nirvana’s by now. But there aren’t. There’s only one Nirvana. And only one Kurt Cobain, and goddamn it, I miss that son of a bitch.
Article comments
1 - Toni
Thank you Jonathan. That was very beautifully written. You get it. Kurt Cobain is missed terribly....
Thank you again.
Toni
2 - DJRadiohead
And a few years later, Layne followed him in the same yet different way. Nirvana was huge for me - still is. Alice may have actually been a tinge huger.
Fuck. This just turned my day upside down, but it's really well written.
3 - Ray Ellis
I have to tell you, Jonathan--that was a beautifully moving piece. Anything I might add would be meaningless. Well done!
4 - russ
i really identified with this. i hoped it was a joke. i cried. nirvana did so much for me, and youre right, nowadays, its hard to go "yeah nirvana is my favorite band", even though nirvana is solely responsible for at least 72% of who i am today.
well done.
5 - Matt
Kurt was Generation X's John Lennon.
I know why Kurt killed himself b/c he told us, sort of. In a extremely abridged nutshell:
He was born into a horribly dysfunctional family. He had general contempt for both his mother and father, which is very rare b/c most of us have guilt about even disliking our mother's cooking. After divorce (traumatic enough) he lived mostly with his mother who, although we don't know the exact details, probably abused him emotionally not unlike Courtney did. It's not a coincidence that he would go with her, it's all he knew.
When children are abused their natural coping propensities come out. Unfortunately Kurt's was suicide ideation, meaning whenever he had a traumatic event he relieved stress by imagining killing himself. Note that it's just a stress releiver but if you're 27 and on heroin and your wife is Courtney Love and you're probably on anti-depressants (linked to psychosis) and other psychoactive drugs and bipolar - well, given that environment your fantasized stress relief can manifest itself in reality.
Kurt was a true artist, he sublimated (in the Fruedian sense) his horrible anguish that was wordless and could only come out in Art. If had hadn't had Art as an outlet he probably would've killed himself a lot younger. Kurt could never understand (based on biographical accounts) that his problems were emotional - meaning emotionally charged events and their associated feelings (like PTSD) kept trying to come out and he kept them at bay through heroin injected unsurprisingly directly into his stomach.
He was as blind as a soldier coming back from Iraq who finds himself drinking incessantly or having homicidal thoughts after a period or relative calm. Psychotherapy might not have been able to save him but I think it could have. If he could just realize that the reason he hated himself is the reason why a lot of children hate themselves - because them blame themselves for not being loved adequately.
Suicide NEVER happens in a vacuum. It's not about blame - it's about cause and effect.
6 - John
I too have written a blog about Kurt Cobain and his impact on music. Check out The GotuitMusic Blog for it as well as Nirvana's Music Videos!
7 - vale
siempre te recordaremos y te amaremos Kurt! Eres una gran inspiracion en mi vida!! grax x haber existido!!!!!!
8 - Buzz
Great ending! "If it were so easy, there would’ve been a thousand other Nirvana’s by now..." Excellent.
Matt had a great post too. Not sure I'd ever here about him injecting into his stomach thoguh unless that's a metaphor...
Nirvana was the best concert I have ever seen, heard felt. A total transformational experience in that I neve thought RFUS could be pulled off live and it was the first song played and lifted me beyond expectation. After that moment the hypnotic condition just vibrated through my body for the entire show.
9 - Eric Berlin
Outstanding thoughts, Jonathan. I was a sophomore at Binghamton University, lounging in a friend's dorm room, when I learned of the news in 1994. "You're lying," I said. I didn't want to believe it either. Nirvana had a profound influence on me as well, changed the way I looked at music and was a fantastic conduit for the pain and strangeness and alienation of growing up.
10 - Mark Saleski
very nice jonathan. great to see others out there for whom music isn't just entertainment.
11 - Vindi
That was really beautifully written and certainly thoughtful and touching... I too love Nirvana and find their music so full of meaning and depth. Rest in Peace Kurt Cobain.
12 - loc vu
hi ....
wonderfull memories u have...
i was 18 when nirvana exploded big time..and to this day it still hurts when any nirvana songs are played and to hear a god- like voice in kurt cobain is to hear rock immortal. todays generation are so much about dreaming and hoping living a life of excess materials, bling bling and text messaging crap, young girls idolizeg pop tarts rather then the actual genuine artist to me is very dissappointing..kids today all they know about are video games, offensive materials, and car stuff..
its sad how low society has drowned out..plp today dont want to fight and be a bigger cause then themselves...i guess they rather enjoy bling bling and pimp juice then representing a social changes. thus, the next nirvana will not happen ever again...plp are still enjoying so much craps...to ever appreciate kurt cobain artistic genuis and the like of nirvana.
rip....kurt
13 - Ben
Yo, Broheim... you know full well that I am never full of shit. Keep that in mind when I say this is one of the BEST things you have ever written. I find myself shrugging off a tear or two. You have managed to capture the feeling of true devotion without delving into blind worship. I can honestly say this is you at your home. Keep working on the general music book, but seriously consider putting out a short collection of essays about Kurt... your passion is just so damn tangable, this is where you come alive.
Living in the Seattle area, I can remember the footage of Courtney reading Kurts note at Seattle Center, looking like shit and crying through the whole thing on the local news. Then there were the candle light vigils. It was surreal.
Your article is proffesional and honest. You are so very capable of making music journalism a career.
I quote The Rough Guide To Rock, third eddition "Like nearly every other musical icon from Elvis to James Brown to John Lennon to Micheal Jackson to Madonna, Kurt Cobain had a psyche that was too big for one body."
Your reviews are on the same level.
14 - Jesse
Very nicely written, Jon.
I can somewhat see where Matt is comingfrom but have to admit that it totally seems like a propaganda piece and kind of ignore it, in a sense.
Vale speaks the truth, simply.
I also missed a Nirvana show, and obviously, it was something that would never come to be.
My grandmother passed on the 11th of April in 1194 when all of the Kurt stuff was still very much in the news and it was just... I don't even know how to put it. Not many people would tie grandparents and Nirvana together, but I think of my grandma when I hear them. Weird, perhaps, but maybe healing in a way as well.
Anyway, let me stop rambling. I really enjoyed this piece and it is quite obviously heartfelt... not that other stuff isn't, but in this, you shine.
15 - Jesse
Gah! That was supposed to say 1994, not 1194, sorry!
16 - I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU
IM NOT FROM THE NIRVANA GENERATION IM A BIT YOUNGER BUT THEIR MUSIC SHOWED ME HOW PATHETIC THE MUSIC NOW A DAYS IS IN COMPARISON AND I HOPE THAT MY GENERATION WILL HAVE A PERSON 2 LOOK UP 2 HALF AS GOOD AS KURT THEN ID BE HAPPY, HE REALLY WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT HIS MUSIC.
GOOD JOB
17 - ClaWeD
They (layne and kurt) will never come back...and we will always remember them...when we are alone...what else is there to say?
Just feel....
That's it.
maybe nietzsche was right...those whom the gods love...die early.
18 - Sarah
This.. Is Just amazing. The way you described your feelings. It's all very real.. I Can feel the way you were feeling too.
It brings a tear to my eye. Even though being sad is a bad thing.. Remembering Kurt is a good thing, right?
Thankyou, It's beautiful.
19 - Chris.
I feel the same way. This was well written. I too miss that son of a bitch.
20 - andrew macmillan
i think its really great that other people are affected by nirvana as much as i am. such a great band. ive been playing music since i was 14 and kurt is the reason i started singing and playing and writing songs. his passion for music makes me want to try my absolute best to make a change.