I had just finished working a graveyard shift and for some reason, I hadn’t gone to sleep yet, although in Hawaii, it was nearly 10am, if memory serves me correctly. When I heard the news, even the dj was skeptical. The station I was listening to was the greatest radio station of all-time, Radio Free Hawaii. It was an independent station that did not have the support of any industry executives, but had enormous support from fans that were tired of top 40, and artists who were tired of starving, yet did not want to be embraced by the wrong audience, ironically, one of the possible downfalls of Cobain and Nirvana. Most of the djs were regular music fans with no experience in broadcasting.
The playlist for Radio Free Hawaii was voted for in ballot boxes across the island chain by the listeners. The djs would pull out random ballots throughout the day and pick one song off of each one to play. The dj’s had no say in what they would play, and that’s the way they liked it. When that morning’s dj, whose name escapes me now, announced the possible demise of the mighty K.C. and became increasingly more confident that the news was indeed true, he sounded just as hurt, lost and bewildered as I was, and that was the reason I was listening to that channel. I will never forget at that moment how close I felt to him and everyone else in the world who was touched by the music of Nirvana. We were quite an impressive army, but our arsenal was gone. We had nothing to fight for that day. It was a day of infamy. A day we wish had never happened, but a day which we will never forget.
To this day, there are still so many questions. The most common one is simple: “Why?” If Kurt indeed killed himself, which I believe, but not beyond a shadow of a doubt, he did, why would he sacrifice so much promise to get rid of a little pain. Sure, he was going through some shit, but he was too young and too talented to give up. Then there are the people who are almost sure it wasn’t a suicide and those who won’t talk. I’ve even heard the rumor discussed that even Chris and Dave won’t say what they truly feel happened because of the possible backlash. Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth has stated that she believes it was a homicide, and last time I checked, she is not what one would refer to as “batshit crazy”. She has also said that some people who were close to Kurt believe the same thing. I can’t help but wonder if she means Novoselic and Grohl. It’s still chilling to think about, but at this point, it hurts either way. The loss is still a heavy one. The music industry is still in search of a voice. A generation is still sleepwalking.
Article comments
1 - Toni
Thank you Jonathan. That was very beautifully written. You get it. Kurt Cobain is missed terribly....
Thank you again.
Toni
2 - DJRadiohead
And a few years later, Layne followed him in the same yet different way. Nirvana was huge for me - still is. Alice may have actually been a tinge huger.
Fuck. This just turned my day upside down, but it's really well written.
3 - Ray Ellis
I have to tell you, Jonathan--that was a beautifully moving piece. Anything I might add would be meaningless. Well done!
4 - russ
i really identified with this. i hoped it was a joke. i cried. nirvana did so much for me, and youre right, nowadays, its hard to go "yeah nirvana is my favorite band", even though nirvana is solely responsible for at least 72% of who i am today.
well done.
5 - Matt
Kurt was Generation X's John Lennon.
I know why Kurt killed himself b/c he told us, sort of. In a extremely abridged nutshell:
He was born into a horribly dysfunctional family. He had general contempt for both his mother and father, which is very rare b/c most of us have guilt about even disliking our mother's cooking. After divorce (traumatic enough) he lived mostly with his mother who, although we don't know the exact details, probably abused him emotionally not unlike Courtney did. It's not a coincidence that he would go with her, it's all he knew.
When children are abused their natural coping propensities come out. Unfortunately Kurt's was suicide ideation, meaning whenever he had a traumatic event he relieved stress by imagining killing himself. Note that it's just a stress releiver but if you're 27 and on heroin and your wife is Courtney Love and you're probably on anti-depressants (linked to psychosis) and other psychoactive drugs and bipolar - well, given that environment your fantasized stress relief can manifest itself in reality.
Kurt was a true artist, he sublimated (in the Fruedian sense) his horrible anguish that was wordless and could only come out in Art. If had hadn't had Art as an outlet he probably would've killed himself a lot younger. Kurt could never understand (based on biographical accounts) that his problems were emotional - meaning emotionally charged events and their associated feelings (like PTSD) kept trying to come out and he kept them at bay through heroin injected unsurprisingly directly into his stomach.
He was as blind as a soldier coming back from Iraq who finds himself drinking incessantly or having homicidal thoughts after a period or relative calm. Psychotherapy might not have been able to save him but I think it could have. If he could just realize that the reason he hated himself is the reason why a lot of children hate themselves - because them blame themselves for not being loved adequately.
Suicide NEVER happens in a vacuum. It's not about blame - it's about cause and effect.
6 - John
I too have written a blog about Kurt Cobain and his impact on music. Check out The GotuitMusic Blog for it as well as Nirvana's Music Videos!
7 - vale
siempre te recordaremos y te amaremos Kurt! Eres una gran inspiracion en mi vida!! grax x haber existido!!!!!!
8 - Buzz
Great ending! "If it were so easy, there would’ve been a thousand other Nirvana’s by now..." Excellent.
Matt had a great post too. Not sure I'd ever here about him injecting into his stomach thoguh unless that's a metaphor...
Nirvana was the best concert I have ever seen, heard felt. A total transformational experience in that I neve thought RFUS could be pulled off live and it was the first song played and lifted me beyond expectation. After that moment the hypnotic condition just vibrated through my body for the entire show.
9 - Eric Berlin
Outstanding thoughts, Jonathan. I was a sophomore at Binghamton University, lounging in a friend's dorm room, when I learned of the news in 1994. "You're lying," I said. I didn't want to believe it either. Nirvana had a profound influence on me as well, changed the way I looked at music and was a fantastic conduit for the pain and strangeness and alienation of growing up.
10 - Mark Saleski
very nice jonathan. great to see others out there for whom music isn't just entertainment.
11 - Vindi
That was really beautifully written and certainly thoughtful and touching... I too love Nirvana and find their music so full of meaning and depth. Rest in Peace Kurt Cobain.
12 - loc vu
hi ....
wonderfull memories u have...
i was 18 when nirvana exploded big time..and to this day it still hurts when any nirvana songs are played and to hear a god- like voice in kurt cobain is to hear rock immortal. todays generation are so much about dreaming and hoping living a life of excess materials, bling bling and text messaging crap, young girls idolizeg pop tarts rather then the actual genuine artist to me is very dissappointing..kids today all they know about are video games, offensive materials, and car stuff..
its sad how low society has drowned out..plp today dont want to fight and be a bigger cause then themselves...i guess they rather enjoy bling bling and pimp juice then representing a social changes. thus, the next nirvana will not happen ever again...plp are still enjoying so much craps...to ever appreciate kurt cobain artistic genuis and the like of nirvana.
rip....kurt
13 - Ben
Yo, Broheim... you know full well that I am never full of shit. Keep that in mind when I say this is one of the BEST things you have ever written. I find myself shrugging off a tear or two. You have managed to capture the feeling of true devotion without delving into blind worship. I can honestly say this is you at your home. Keep working on the general music book, but seriously consider putting out a short collection of essays about Kurt... your passion is just so damn tangable, this is where you come alive.
Living in the Seattle area, I can remember the footage of Courtney reading Kurts note at Seattle Center, looking like shit and crying through the whole thing on the local news. Then there were the candle light vigils. It was surreal.
Your article is proffesional and honest. You are so very capable of making music journalism a career.
I quote The Rough Guide To Rock, third eddition "Like nearly every other musical icon from Elvis to James Brown to John Lennon to Micheal Jackson to Madonna, Kurt Cobain had a psyche that was too big for one body."
Your reviews are on the same level.
14 - Jesse
Very nicely written, Jon.
I can somewhat see where Matt is comingfrom but have to admit that it totally seems like a propaganda piece and kind of ignore it, in a sense.
Vale speaks the truth, simply.
I also missed a Nirvana show, and obviously, it was something that would never come to be.
My grandmother passed on the 11th of April in 1194 when all of the Kurt stuff was still very much in the news and it was just... I don't even know how to put it. Not many people would tie grandparents and Nirvana together, but I think of my grandma when I hear them. Weird, perhaps, but maybe healing in a way as well.
Anyway, let me stop rambling. I really enjoyed this piece and it is quite obviously heartfelt... not that other stuff isn't, but in this, you shine.
15 - Jesse
Gah! That was supposed to say 1994, not 1194, sorry!
16 - I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU
IM NOT FROM THE NIRVANA GENERATION IM A BIT YOUNGER BUT THEIR MUSIC SHOWED ME HOW PATHETIC THE MUSIC NOW A DAYS IS IN COMPARISON AND I HOPE THAT MY GENERATION WILL HAVE A PERSON 2 LOOK UP 2 HALF AS GOOD AS KURT THEN ID BE HAPPY, HE REALLY WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT HIS MUSIC.
GOOD JOB
17 - ClaWeD
They (layne and kurt) will never come back...and we will always remember them...when we are alone...what else is there to say?
Just feel....
That's it.
maybe nietzsche was right...those whom the gods love...die early.
18 - Sarah
This.. Is Just amazing. The way you described your feelings. It's all very real.. I Can feel the way you were feeling too.
It brings a tear to my eye. Even though being sad is a bad thing.. Remembering Kurt is a good thing, right?
Thankyou, It's beautiful.
19 - Chris.
I feel the same way. This was well written. I too miss that son of a bitch.
20 - andrew macmillan
i think its really great that other people are affected by nirvana as much as i am. such a great band. ive been playing music since i was 14 and kurt is the reason i started singing and playing and writing songs. his passion for music makes me want to try my absolute best to make a change.