#3: All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth
Written by Some Vaudeville Hack
Performed by Exploited Toothless Rugrats Everywhere
Thankfully this song is not as popular as it was when I was a child. It doesn't hold up as well over time as some of the songs on this list. But I guarantee that sometime in the next month you'll hear a quavering little voice piping out the sentimental schmaltz about holiday tooth replacement programs, confusing the tooth fairy and Santa Claus in a truly troubling way. While not as patently offensive as the top two on this list, this song still ranks close just because it's so irritating.
#2: Here Comes Santa Claus
Written by Gene Autry and Oakley Haldeman
Performed by Gene Autry
What made Gene Autry think that he needed to follow up Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman with an even stupider and more annoying song? Thank god the pride of Hillsboro Texas (at least until they got their big outlet mall) discovered real estate and owning football teams and stopped singing for a living. This song has the most idiotic lyrics of any song I've ever heard, and at Christmas time that's really saying something. Not even in crappy neighborhoods of doublewides are you likely to find a street called 'Santa Claus Lane', and if you did Santa himself would be too embarassed to deliver presents on it. Consider the presence of this one on the list as a nod to all of the wretched Gene Autry Christmas songs every one of which deserves a spot.
#1: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Written by Tommy Connor
Performed by Jimmy Boyd and Others
You remember Tommy Connor, right? He was like the poor man's Spike Jones only not actually talented or funny. His one claim to fame is this gem of infantile voyeurism, holiday adultery and lifelong trauma. Like #5 on this list, this is a song you can't let children under a certain age actually listen to, because it both sexualizes Santa and suggests that he's not real. The song tells the story of little Jimmy who creeps down stairs to peep at the Christmas tree and catches Mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe. Unstated, but implied is that he assumes Mommy is stepping out on Daddy with a fat and jolly mythological figure, retreats weeping to his bed, becomes a sexually dysfuctional serial killer and ends up years later dressed in a Santa suit made of human skin as the SWAT team closes in on his house. What could make this song worse? Jessica Simpson 'sings' it on her new Christmas album.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - elsa
"Winter Wonderland!"
YUCK! I'm from the desert and freezing my ass!
2 - Stephen V Funk
JINGLE BELL ROCK is my personal #1.... ug... !
3 - RJ
Hilarious!
Personally, I can't stand any Christmas tune sung by Mariah Carey. But maybe that's just me...
4 - Zach
"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is "funny at least the first couple of times you hear it?"
Christmas songs are "redeemed" if performed by Alvin & The Chipmunks or the cast of South Park?!
I was right with you until those last few comments, even in spite of my perverse love for well-performed Christmas music...but seriously, man, how can a cloying song get BETTER when you throw high-pitched cartoon voices into the mix?
5 - Darren
Yes, I agree that "Jingle Bell Rock" should be violently stricken from our collective memories by those thingies they used on Men In Black. Until then I can't stop mentally seeing Hall & Oates performing a particularly lame version while dressed (badly) in drag.
Most annoying Christmas video ever.
6 - Mark Sahm
Dave, again your satire is bitingly funny and to the point. You took the thoughts out of my head on a couple of these. I don't think I've ever heard the Little Drummer Boy compared to West Bank gunfire before, and doubt I ever will again. Nice work.
7 - Dave Nalle
Zach, the painfully awful gets better when played in under a minute or with high squeaky cartoon voices because then it becomes parody.
As for Jingle Bell Rock, I should have added it to the list of songs which are great for putting new lyrics to, because it enables the classic couplet:
(parental advisory)
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock.
Jingle my Balls and Jingle my Cock.
Which certainly livens up the holidays.
Dave
8 - MazeBorn
I nominate the Chipmunk's Christmas Song for #1.5! "Are you ready to sing it now?" "OKAY!"
...
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please Christmas, don't be late!
AAAHHHH! Singing rodents!
9 - Pete Blackwell
Sweet pick for the Amazon link, Dave!
My all-time least-favorite Christmas song is "A Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney. Pure dreck, but absolutely insidious in its ability to saturate your brain cells and ooze into your semi-consciousness for months on end.
Kind of like "Rock & Roll Hoochie Coo" but Christmasy-er.
10 - Stephen V Funk
let's not forget "the twelve days of christmas" either...
11 - Dave Nalle
I also forgot to mention that horrible 'Do they know it's Christmas Time' group-sing thing they did for Africa.
So many bad, bad songs. Now my wife is telling me I ought to have included Jingle Bells as the most prominent of the bad songs.
Where do we draw the line?
Dave
12 - Mark Sahm
All lines will disappear, DN... because the time of year dictates that decades worth of bad music must be given omnipresence over the airwaves.
In my opinion, the greater question is whether there's actually a good timeless Xmas song that isn't corny. Even the South Park stuff (f-in hilarious as it was) got old after 5 years.
13 - Dave Nalle
The really horrifying thing is that every artist thinks they have to put out a Christmas CD with new awful versions of the old standards, and they also feel the need to throw on their own original contribution to the genre and it's usually wretched.
Dave
14 - Chantal Stone
The original songs by these no talent pop tarts are the WORST.
15 - Nancy
I agree that these songs were bad enough in and of themselves to begin with; the "new" (& improved? - NOT!) versions REALLY suck! White Christmas drives me berserk. I feel SO bad for the poor clerks who have to listen to these soundtracks over & over & over & over & over thru an entire work day.
All of this so-called "christmas music" could make someone become an atheist.
16 - J. P. Spencer
"All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" was written by Spike Jones. I wouldn't categorize him as "Some Vaudeville Hack", but rather the Rosetta Stone of Musical Comedy. While this song is not one of his best pieces, repeated listening of the rest of Spike Jones' catalog teaches you amazing things about musical arrangements. He was also one of the first musicians to embrace quadrophonic sound in the late '50's and early '60's. He was Weird Al BEFORE Weird Al WAS Weird Al. Find a best-of collection and skip over "...Two Front Teeth". You won't be disappointed.
17 - Dave Nalle
OMG, Spike Jones wrong it? That gives me a whole new perspective on the song. When I was researching the article I couldn't find any easily accessible web references to who wrote it, so I filled int he blanks. I had assumed that it was older than Spike Jones' era. Now that I know he wrote it I can at least think of it as satirical, but it's certainly not his best. "Tea for Two" holds that spot for eternity.
Dave
18 - Dave Nalle
Rewind. I did some more research. Spike Jones did perform the song, but he didn't write it. It was written by Don Gardner and wasn't picked up by Jones until several years later.
Dave
19 - J. P. Spencer
From what my trusty liner notes say, it seems Jones was the first to actually record it after it was passed on by many artists, but I stand corrected. The author was one Don Gardner.
20 - Dave Nalle
I've never heard the Jones version. The version I've been traumatized by features some annoying little girl singing the song - not surprisingly.
Dave
21 - MazeBorn
Hey, you reminded me of a Wierd Al song about nuclear bombs dropping on Christmas. Now I have to go hunt it up...
"Christmas at Ground Zero" It's a hoot!
22 - larry larry
arf arf arf.arf arf arf, arf hey arf arf arF! HEY!!!
23 - larry
that was the dogs singing jingle jingle bells or not larry
24 - RJ
"Christmas at Ground Zero" It's a hoot!
It sure is!
It's Christmas at ground zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringing and the carolers are singing
While the air raid sirens blare
It's Christmas at ground zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test
Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last-minute shopping
It's time to face your final destiny
It's Christmas at ground zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath the mushroom cloud
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbing down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill
It's Christmas at ground zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day
It's Christmas at ground zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my Yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at ground zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
25 - J.P. Spencer
Dave,
That "Annoying little girl" is actually George Rock, Spike Jones' banjo player. Each member of Jones' "Orchestra" had their own specialty voice. Rock's was an annoying little girl. It's worth noting that Rock used that voice on an Easter follow-up parody called "You Wanna Buy A Bunny?".