Is it the sound of heavenly angels or the sound of Eartha Kitt begging for octagenarian loving? You'll have plenty of chances to decide when you're stuck at the mall listening to these fine tunes.
This year the holiday season (we aren't allowed to use the X-mas word anymore, right?) started earlier than ever, at least as far as piped in music in the mall and elevators and waiting rooms is concerned. For the first time ever I was hearing cheery young voices spreading holdiay spirit before Halloween, and I could tell it had the ghoulies and ghosties creeped out. At least they have the decency to stick to screams and howls and generally avoid coordinated vocalization.…
Article comments
76 - Stewie
Alright this band has just put the cherry on top of Terrible Christmas music cake!!!!!!!!!
They have single handedly destroyed what little hope for Christmas music was left. Christmas will never be the same if this gets popular.
Get your Barf bags out if you choose to listen
77 - Dr Dreadful
For sheer unadulterated mind-melting stomach-inverting culture-bludgeoning festive horror, nothing beats "The Christmas Shoes". I'm truly dismayed, Dave - dismayed! - that you didn't give it at least a Horrible Mention. (Since this article is several years old, perhaps you mercifully lived in a world where it hadn't been written yet. You lucky bastard.)
And while I'm thinking about it, what the hell does "Jingle Bells" have to do with Christmas?!?
The one that commenter #68 was trying to think of is "Dear Santa", by Sean Morey. Definitely my kind of Christmas song.
But usually I'm all about the traditional carols, and even some of those are rather nightmarish.
78 - STM
Yes, I realise this is an old thread ... an oldie but a goodie.
Try this: "Winter Wonderland" belting out of a department store in busy, 42 degrees Celsius (100F-plus) baking hot, downtown Sydney on Christmas Eve when everyone's out doing their last-minute Christmas shopping and the only respite from the heat - it's Texas-summer "hot" here at Christmas, BTW - is the airconditioning blasting out of the shop doorways.
That tune gets a fair workout along with all the others, and it (along with "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas") just seems so bizarrely out of place.
Christmas in Australia is best spent largely submerged in cool(ish) water, either at the pool or the beach. The only thing white dropping from the sky is seagull poop.
79 - Dave Nalle
I went to iTunes and lisened to "The Christmas Shoes" which I had never heard before. It's total dreck and I fell asleep briefly.
Dave
80 - Dr Dreadful
Which, since the samples on iTunes are only 30 seconds long, just goes to show how truly awful that song is. Even if you are sick.
81 - Dr Dreadful
Stan,
Yes, I've often wondered why you Aussies seem so reluctant to adapt Christmas iconography to your own climate. Some sort of nostalgia for the old country, perhaps?
I remember being in Sydney for the lighting of the Christmas tree in Martin Place in '04, and Father Christmas rolling up in a sleigh, wearing full-on winter gear. Meanwhile, there's everyone else standing around in t-shirts and shorts. Poor bastard.
There is that story about the sleigh being pulled across Australia not by reindeer but by six white boomers, but it's not traditional, from what I understand. I think Rolf Harris made it up.
82 - STM
Santa in Australia should be wearing a good smearing of white zinc cream on his nose, red thongs (oops, sorry - flip flops, although if he were a cross dresser I suppose the American meaning wouldn't be so bad), red boardshorts and a singlet. He should also be sucking on an ice-cold beer, not a glass of milk.
As for the boomers, yes, I think that's Rolf making stuff up.
I don't think anyone would have much luck tethering six boomers together ... they are notoriously bloody dangerous animals, and will absolutely rip you to shreds if you get too close.
People have been killed by the buggers. That's why we shoot 'em Doc.
I'd prefer reindeer on my roof, as I'm happy with the tiles remaining the way they are :)
Also, I like the idea that Santa will still be alive past the first delivery.
83 - STM
On Christmas generally, my mother-in-law still makes a HOT baked turkey lunch, with all the trimmings, including Christmas pudding and hot brandy custard.
This is up in sunny Queensland, mind you, where it's not unusual to have temperatures of 45C on Christmas Day.
Of course, the heat has fried their brains up there. I've never met a Queenslander (including my wife) who wasn't completely troppo (mad, that is).
The Filipinos are crazier, though, when it comes to Christmas. I was up there in early October, and they were selling Christmas decorations already. Every shopping centre was already getting the decorations out.
One local told me it's not unusual for people to start in September!
84 - Jim Grace
Do any of you funny people know of or have access to the alternative words to "A Christmaa Song" the first two line of which are Christians roasting on an open fire, lions nipping at their toes...."? Please share them on this site if you know them. Thanks.
Jim
85 - Irene wagner
Jim Grace, here's one version of that
Christmas carol parody. There are others parodied here, some among Dave Nalle's least favorites. Maybe he'll like these better...
86 - nymphomercial
'The Christmas Shoes' is the worst...song...ever. You MUST hear this parody called 'The Christmas Thong'.
87 - Dr Dreadful
Thanks, Nympho... that is hilarious!
88 - STM
It wouldn't work in Australia though.
For all those who don't know, thongs in Australia, which have been worn here since the 1930s, are FOOTWEAR. They are what are known elsewhere around the world as flip-flops. Rubber thongs are essential Aussie summer wear.
(The lingerie item is known here as a G-string.)
Which is why I nearly got arrested in a surf shop in Manhattan Beach (LA), when I walked in and asked the girls behind the counter if I could look at their thongs.
89 - Dr Dreadful
Gosh, it's so easy to get into trouble with the English language...
Most people know that 'bum' is not a vulgar word for a body part in America, and that the word 'fanny' refers to a much ruder region of the human anatomy in Britain than it does in the US. But it's still quite possible to come a cropper on both sides of the pond.
Like the time shortly after I started work at my current job, when I was discussing a client named Regina with my boss - and pronounced it the British way*. She almost choked on her coffee...
* With the 'i' as in 'mice'.
90 - STM
Lol. What a hoot. I'd have liked to have been a fly on the wall during the Regina incident.
All this is true, of course. I wince every time I hear Americans use the term fanny, as it's just not used in polite conversation on this side of the other big pond (go back to the Regina incident for clues), and always laugh out loud at the American use of bum.
And what about entree, Doc?? That's a classic, and almost certain to cause major confusion for those not in the know.
In America, the entree has somehow morphed over the years into the main course, when the rest of the world still has it as the appetiser (the clue's in the name, though, entry to the meal - the Yanks are wrong on this one).
So in SF, ordering an appetiser-sized prawn dish, then getting confused by the waiter and asking for the same dish also as an entree when he asked what I wanted for the entree, plus a dirty-great steak on top of that, became a scene out of Seinfeld ... especially when enough food lobbed on the table to feed Zimbabwe and part of Burkina-Faso as well.
The only was good though, since the rest of the restaurant had been in apoplectic laughter.
The shrieking waiter was great too, completely unable to contain his fits of giggling, and could have been straight out of a sit-com.
My favourite is still the misappropriation of thong, however, which is a piece of rubber footwear worn to the beach or pool, NOT an item of sexy lingerie.
Tipping is another trap in the US. Service staff in Oz and Europe get paid pretty good wages, and customers only tip a maximum of 10 per cent on meals if they're happy with the service, and to the staff it's just a bit of icing on the cake and not that much of an issue.
But that can get you into big trouble in the US, especially if you don't realise waiting and bar staff get paid low wages and depend on tips to get a living wage.
So many traps, so little time to enjoy them ...
91 - Dr Dreadful
...became a scene out of Seinfeld ... especially when enough food lobbed on the table to feed Zimbabwe and part of Burkina-Faso as well.
Yes, and people wonder why the average American is the size of Mars.
It was a bit of a shock for me, too. I hadn't been told about serving sizes in American restaurants. The first time I came over to visit my wife (before we got married), she had to work the next day so a couple of friends of hers came by and took me out to lunch. I can still see their worried faces as I happily ordered an appetiser, an "entrée" and a dessert. "Um... are you sure you're going to be able to eat all of that?" "Yeah, don't worry."
Needless to say, I never made it to dessert.
And the meal came with bottomless steak fries. I mean, come on.
My favourite is still the misappropriation of thong, however, which is a piece of rubber footwear worn to the beach or pool, NOT an item of sexy lingerie.
Yes, what was wrong with the term "g-string"? Were American lingerie designers perhaps afraid that people would confuse their product with part of a violin? That musicians would strike up their bows and... how about we not go there.
92 - Bev
I have to disagree. I love Bing Crosby and David Bowie's version of the Little Drummer Boy. It is not sappy at all.
I am not crazy about Gene Autry's Here Comes Santa Clause. It is a very frivolous song, but If I have to hear it, I prefer the Elvis Presely version.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause is a cute little ditty. I relate to it through my former job as childcare teacher where the teachers had to have the children perform in the annual Christmas Holiday program. A class of older preschoolers (who are now college age) sang this song to the Jackson 5 version. They did a tremendous job. The parents were over the top delighted with the performance.
By the way my 82 years old mother can't stand Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Comming to Town.
Now when it comes to real Christmas Music, I mostly prefer to hear them song by classically trained voices, such as Kathleen Battele, Fredrica Von Stade, Denyce Graves, Jessye Norman and the late Lucciano Pavoratti. With that said, I do like some of the contemporary versions of the Christmas Classics.
93 - JStarr
|{{{{ You have to have a listen to this xmas remix of stevie wonder's Sometime at Christmas, this guy called dpavs is also going to feature a 3d virtual stevie in a winter wonderland xmas video...
checkout the song on his myspace profile page...
94 - jim hynes
my single worst christmas song ever is jingle bells by barbra streisand. when babs recorded that song she sound as if she had three triple espressos before she went and recorded it.i'll give madonna's santa baby and do they know it's christmas a pass because at least those recordings helped to raise money foe charity.my other obnoxious christmas song is i want a hippopotomus for christmae.
95 - Mark
Very true..."Jingle Bell Rock" should be violently stricken from our mind...Here's a link to a bunch of good
christmas rock songs
96 - Amelia
your article is soo funny, i'd have to say that "Here Comes Santa Claus" is pretty terrible and "Mommy's Kissing Santa Claus"? i think someone was high when the wrote these songs....(to RJ)i also want to say that "Christmas at Ground Zero" is hilarous, i'm definatly singing that!
97 - Yvonne
FINALLY, someone who agrees with me (and verbalizes all the reasons why very well)that "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is one of the worst Christmas songs ever written!
98 - Theeyeballkid
Mariah Carey all I want for Christmas is you has to be up there. I'd rather listen to 3 minutes of static than hear this song again.