Is it the sound of heavenly angels or the sound of Eartha Kitt begging for octagenarian loving? You'll have plenty of chances to decide when you're stuck at the mall listening to these fine tunes.
This year the holiday season (we aren't allowed to use the X-mas word anymore, right?) started earlier than ever, at least as far as piped in music in the mall and elevators and waiting rooms is concerned. For the first time ever I was hearing cheery young voices spreading holdiay spirit before Halloween, and I could tell it had the ghoulies and ghosties creeped out. At least they have the decency to stick to screams and howls and generally avoid coordinated vocalization.…
Article comments
— go to most recent comments26 - Dave Nalle
Wow, that just makes the song even more scary, J.P.
Dave
27 - Just John
The only good version of "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" is the one sung by Count von Count of Sesame Street, and that only works because his two front teeth are used for sucking blood from children.
28 - Just Timo
I can't believe you all missed out that
horrid piece of tripe by Sir Paul McCartney.
I shudder to think what it's called, but it has bad synths and a very bad childrens choir.
29 - Nancy
There's a rather comical version of "the 12 days of christmas" I hear once in a blue moon, that features in one verse some guy who sounds like Carrol O'Connor doing Archie Bunker, cursing putting up Christmas lights. I always wish I could hear that one more; it's very clever.
30 - Scott
While I agree with everything you list Dave, I think the absolute worst ones are the newer pieces of shit like "Grown up christmas list" and "The Christmas shoes." Gag me with a hairy fork.
And Timo, the McCartney song you refer to is "wonderful christmastime," I believe, and I must disagree with you on its quality. Easily the most trippy xmas song ever. I love it.
31 - FilteringCraig
I vote for Barbra Streisand's version of Jingle Bells.
I wrote about it on blogcritics here.
Worst... Christmas... Song... EVER!
32 - Dave Nalle
No, no. The most trippy Christmas song is Bob and Doug MacKenzie accompanied by Journey doing "The Twelve Beers of Christmas".
Dave
33 - MazeBorn
Oh, Nancy - there's also the Allan Sherman version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" with "A statueofaladywithaclock where her stomach ought to beeee" for the fifth day.
34 - Joshua
Nancy (#29): The version you are thinking of is probably "The Twelve Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers, which you can find online here.
35 - The Countess (Trish Wilson)
I'll vote for any holiday songs sung by The Cowsills or Mitch Miller. Oh, my ears!!
36 - The Countess (Trish Wilson)
Did Florence Foster Jenkins sing any Christmas carols? If she did, she should be at the top of the list.
37 - Victor Plenty
Dave, there's just one flaw in your otherwise brilliant deconstructive analysis of these horrid songs. As it's a flaw that threatens your sanity and possibly your very soul, I've taken it upon myself to rescue you from it. It is vital to your continued well-being for you to realize that "Santa Baby" is a song you have perilously misunderstood.
After such seasonal auditory torment, perhaps you can no longer listen closely to the lyrics, which are replete with Freudian imagery. Some of them may be open to various interpretations which are beyond the scope of this discussion. However, there is no ambiguity at all in the repeatedly emphasized imagery of the refrain, which not only implies but actually requires a specific spatial orientation of the parties involved. There is no way Santa can "hurry down the chimney tonight" unless the interaction occurs in some configuration that places him vertically above the other party, most likely in that traditional configuration known colloquially as the missionary position.
Therefore it is simply impossible that Santa is being "straddled and ridden" by whomever is singing, and I hope my clear explanation of that unassailable fact will help to free your mind of such a truly traumatic image.
38 - DrPat
Besides that, how could the original Catwoman NOT be sexy as all hell?!?
39 - Dave Nalle
Victor, I fear you've thought about this way too much. It scares me.
Dr. Pat, of the three Catwomans I like Lee Meriwether the most, followed by Julie Newmar for sheer extremely tall weirdness, with Eartha Kitt third, but the best would be Lee Meriwether's looks, Eartha Kitt's voice and Julie Newmar's quirkiness.
Dave
40 - Victor Plenty
I've given this matter no serious thought at all. I just happen to think very rapidly, so it takes several paragraphs to explain a briefly passing thought.
If I were to think about this a great deal, it might take several volumes to express my views, but none could read such a thing and emerge sane. In fact, I doubt I'd still be sane after writing it. If indeed what I am now can be called sane.
(Pseudo-Lovecraftian style inspired by the original Batman movie, which featured Lee Meriwether as Catwoman, and had a central plot element shamelessly stolen from "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward," one of the creepiest stories ever written, by the way.)
41 - Patrick
I have this love/hate thing with "Feliz Navidad." It's so simple and catchy, but here in Texas one hears it over and over and....
42 - SFC SKI
THe best Christmas Rock Song is "Run, Run Rudolph" Keith Richards' cover of the Chuck Berry original.
All the other Christmas soings get overplayed, especially if they start being played in Novemeber. At least I don't work in a department store anymore, 8 hours a day of the same 10 songs was a bit too much to take.
43 - Brian
Unfortunately I still work in retail, and If you want to hear a truly awful Christmas song, might I recommend "Santa Claus is coming on his boogie-woogie choo-choo train". Dont ask me who sings this peice of trash, it's bad enough I had to hear it all last year, thankfully the Muzak gods seem to have removed it from the rotation this time around.
44 - Dave Nalle
The title of that song alone is enough to give me a mild case of nausea. Thankfully I've never heard the actual song.
Dave
45 - nugget
do you get paid for posting? I enjoyed this satire.
46 - Dave Nalle
Ah, if only we got paid in more than the joy of our efforts...
But glad you enjoyed it.
Dave
47 - Anthony Grande
I do not appreciate your attack on "The Little Drummer Boy".
First, "Barumpabumbum" is not meant to be a word. It is the sound of a little boy playing the drum.
Second, does it matter if there is a drummer boy in the Gospels or not?
48 - Victor Plenty
Anthony, here's a little friendly advice: before you take your SATs, pay somebody to help you improve your reading comprehension skills.
A sense of humor could be helpful to you at some point, too.
49 - Dave Nalle
AG might want to start by just reading the tag at the top of articles just to check if it happens to say 'satire'.
Dave
50 - Victor Plenty
Sure, that's a good way to avoid embarrassing oneself here at Blogcritics, but it won't be much assistance on the SAT, where such helpful hints are far less abundant.
51 - Dave Nalle
Is that why AG has been less active here lately? Has he been studying for the SAT?
Dave
52 - The Fifth Dentist
Good list Dave. In my opinion, Little Drummer Boy should be number 1 with a bullet. The Bowie / Crosby duet is the worst combination since apply pie and herring.
53 - Dave Nalle
Little Drummer Boy might deserve a promotion because it does get played a lot more than some of the others on the list and in more different awful versions.
Dave
54 - GoHah
nothing against Joan Jett, but anytime anyone mentions "Little Drummer Boy" I hear her version in the head--nice and edgy and all, but not Christmassy. I guess I should be glad that I've never heard the Chicago and Simpson Sisters take. I don't mind the Bing Crosby version all that much, but the TV visuals from the Crosby Special remains one of the weirdest things I've ever seen--I remember having to explain to my grandmother who the bloke with the bad teeth was.
55 - GoHah
I meant the Bing Crosby/ David Bowie version.
56 - Barry Stoller
Ah, it's easy to slam the worst but it takes real courage to admit you like ANY holiday music. Is it even music? Me, I got got a copy of the International Pop Orchestra's Christmas Favorites, pure 1965 easy listening. I will drop it like a nuke the evening before when my hapless relatives arrive. Too bad for them, I won't share my Rx, the only reason I'll be humming that night... ummm... these are the sounds of the Nixon people ossifying.
57 - patricia
Every time I hear The Twelve Days of Christmas, I get the urge to go partridge hunting...and, as for golden rings, I will wear them only if they are covered with diamonds, emeralds or rubies
58 - Anthony Grande
Dave, taking time out to talk to you guys is getting hard but I do my best to give the only full time Conservative viewpoint on Blogcritics.org.
59 - Drjohnrock
I heard that horrid "Sana Claus is coming on his boogie-woogie choo-choo train" thing for the first time last night at a Christmas party. I did a Google search on the title and discovered this blog, so the song did one positive thing. Good discussion going here.
Among the Christmas songs I thoroghly detest are The Christmas Song ("chestnuts roasting on an open fire"). Mel Torme was a talented man but he co-wrote that piece of dreck. The Carpenters' Merry Christmas Darling also serves to turn me into Scrooge.
60 - Nathan Heath
Here is my amazingly awkward Christmas album I put together:
The Album!
61 - robin
I can't believe nobody came up with "I want a hippopatamus for Christmas"
Sample lyrics...
I want a hippopatamus for Christmas
Only a hippopatamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinocerosses
I only like hippopatamusses
And hippopatamusses like me tooooooo
62 - TDM
The Greatest Christmas Songs of All Time
During this holiday season many of you will be attending gatherings or shopping at malls where in the background will be the continuous drone of holiday music. I myself recently attended a Christmas party where everyone was subjected to the continuous repeat of a holiday compilation album being played in the stereo (that is until I snuck off to the garage with a few friends to enjoy a mix CD of Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and Smashing Pumpkins hits " a 90’s smorgasbord).
I’ve never fussed over Christmas music since it’s only played for a short time (though the holiday season seems to be getting longer each year starting up as soon as the Halloween decorations come down). Like elevator music, Christmas music is supposed to provide a calming reassuring background noise for shoppers and partygoers, though watching the pushing match between some shoppers you would guess Bolt Thrower was playing on mall intercoms
Could you imagine hearing 50 Cent rapping about a white Christmas or System of A Down crafting a thrash version of “We Three Kings”? It’s unlikely but after experiencing the onslaught of Christmas music these past few weeks I got to thinking what were the best holiday themed songs ever recorded (well not necessarily the best but my own personal favourites).
Excluding older artists like Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Durante, Burl Ives, Gene Autry and all those other pre-rock and roll performers, I’ve come up with the top five greatest Christmas songs ever sung by contemporary artists " meaning from the rock, pop and hip hop community.
5. Santa Clause is Coming to Town " Bruce Springsteen
A holiday classic written by J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie, “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” was originally recorded way back in 1935 by Joe Harris with Benny Goodman & His Orchestra. It’s been re-recorded numerous times over the decades but it was the Boss’ version that surpassed all other renditions being released as a B-side on his 1985 “My Hometown” single.
4. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) " U2
Irish rockers U2 took this sixties classic and made it their own contributing it to the first edition of the popular Very Special Christmas series. Written by Phil Spector, Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich and originally sung by Darlene Love, the song, like most Christmas songs has been redone countless times over the years but U2’s 1987 version still remains the best rendition.
3. Christmas In Hollis " Run-DMC
Run-DMC bring a little hip hop flavour to Christmas with their 1987 hit “Christmas In Hollis.” Released off the first Very Special Christmas compilation, the song and its accompanying video have become fixtures on radio and video stations come every holiday season. The song also closed the group’s 2002 greatest hits compilation, which was released a month before the tragic murder of DJ Jam Master Jay.
2. Do they Know it’s Christmas " Band Aid
Released in 1984, this massive Bob Geldof-Midge Ure penned single from U.K. supergroup Band Aid hit number one in the U.K, sold millions of copies around the world (the proceeds went to the Ethiopian Famine relief) and subsequently returned to the top of the U.K charts on two other separate occasions; in 1989 when a new line-up called Band Aid II recorded it after a second Ethiopian famine hit and in 2004 for the 20th anniversary of the project.
1. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) " John Lennon and Yoko Ono
This is the only song out of any Christmas themed song that I can listen to at any time of the year. The ex-Beatles’ Vietnam protest song is still relevant thirty plus years after it’s release maybe even more so this year as this December 8th marks the 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s murder. Melissa Etheridge recorded a live version of “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” a few years ago that is widely recognized as the best cover version of the song.
Bonus: Worst Christmas song ever
It wouldn’t be a complete list unless the worst Christmas song wasn’t included. I came up with a short list that included such forgettable performances from the likes of The Darkness (“Christmas time, Don’t Let the Bells End”), Rosie O'Donnell & Elmo (“Do You Hear What I Hear”), Kathie Lee Gifford (“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”) and a host of others.
I narrowed the list down to two songs; the first being “Silent Night” from 80’s glam rockers Winger, the other Paul McCartney’s 1979 solo hit “Wonderful Christmastime.” Winger’s interpretation of “Silent Night,” is arguably the funniest and worst version of that song that has ever been recorded. The only thing missing in this crappy rendition was a guest appearance from Slaughter namesake Mark Slaughter, though Winger singer Kip Winger does a fine job of embarrassing himself on his own.
But after much deliberation the worst Christmas song ever is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime,” which actually made the top ten in the U.K, reaching number six. This overproduced diddy is really not any worse than any of McCartney’s other schmaltzy hits of that era but takes the cake at being the worst Christmas song ever solely for its incessant chorus " “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.” It will stick in your head well into the new year.
Trent McMartin
63 - Dave Nalle
Interestingly your top two 'best' songs were contenders for my worst songs list, but I decided they were too bland to be truly offensive despite having no redeeming musical quality whatsoever.
Dave
64 - jess
i freaking vote for CHRISTMAS SHOES....that is the worst song ever! if you haven't heard it you are very lucky. it's pretty terrible.
65 - Nancy
"Christmas Shoes"...? That IS an obscure one - probably deservingly. Joshua (#34) thanks a mil for the ref to the Bob Rivers site; those songs are hilarious.
66 - teala s
Personally I think you, Dave, need to think about what you write. Are you some kind of christmas grinch? Your top five songs are some of the most cheerful melodies that get people in the christmas mood. To refer to Ashlee and Jessica Simpson as, "the two trampy Simpson sisters" is quite stupid. I actually am a big fan of both. How can you call preachers daughters trampy? One was a a virgin until she got married. So, next time you decide to call someone trampy, take a look at their background you CHRISTMAS GRINCH!
67 - Dave Nalle
Ashlee wasn't a virgin until she hit 18, much less got married. And perhaps being a virgin at marriage doesn't work so well since the senior tramp is now getting a divorce. And did you see her in Dukes of Hazard? The example she sets is what matters, not her personal life.
Oh, and Bah Humbug.
Dave
68 - Hammo
Best Christmas song of all time: All I Want For Christmas Is A Stick. I have no idea who made it, but its about all these poor people wishing for funny stuff. I'm not sure thats even the title.
69 - Nakhash
Well, you'll just LURVE the Baarmy Sheep of North Cumbria:
Nak
70 - Dave Nalle
Well, at least it's better than the singing dogs.
Dave
71 - Carl In Omaha
Hey Dave:
I see alot of your readers are true resenters and haters of that stomach pumpingly sick and horrible song by Mccartney "Wonderful christmas time" I too loathe every horriblly bad synth note and Richard Simmonsesque lyric of that piece of musical bile!!! there I said it
72 - MD
12 Days of Christmas--Horrid!
73 - Studette
Hi everyone, I think most of the songs mentioned are terrible as well but I must say I like the comic ones that make fun of the traditional. I know of one called The 12 Days of Christmas by Paddy but can't remember his last name that is very funny. I am sure most countries have their own funny thoughts on that song. I also tend to like Bonnie M singing some Christmas song. I guess most of the music does start way toooooooo early in the year though as it seems you are not out of one season before you are into another. I think it has become more of a sales pitch now rather than a time of enjoyment. Thank You for the lovely blog on here because it gave me some fun reading.
74 - Glenn
Nobody mentions "Dominic, the Italian Christmas Donkey", hee haw hee hee haw hee haw.... HELP!
75 - Yi-Peng
I'm sorry to say that I would probably like to add Santa Claus is Coming to Town to your list of worst Christmas songs. Everytime I hear it during the Christmas season I feel like it drives me up the wall, regardless of whom it's sung by.