This year the holiday season (we aren't allowed to use the X-mas word anymore, right?) started earlier than ever, at least as far as piped in music in the mall and elevators and waiting rooms is concerned. For the first time ever I was hearing cheery young voices spreading holdiay spirit before Halloween, and I could tell it had the ghoulies and ghosties creeped out. At least they have the decency to stick to screams and howls and generally avoid coordinated vocalization.
Too much Christmas holiday music can become tedious and that tedium can turn to nausea, but the truth is that some of those seasonal tunes are damned fine music. We've got Brahms and Beethoven and Handel and Chuck Berry and Bing Crosby and Martha Reeves and quite a few others contributing some memorable and even moving tunes. The problem is that over the years that library of fine music has been joined by a treacly aural crap and thematically questionable or even disturbing tunes which I don't need to hear even one more time, much less over and over while stuck in a line at Walmart.
This brings us to the five worst holiday songs of all time:
#5: Santa Baby
Written by Javitts and Springer
Performed by Eartha Kitt
This creepy bit of sleaze has kept the sexiest voice on the radio in whiskey and facelifts for years, and now Madonna has climbed on the bandwagon with her inferior version, guaranteeing more airplay for the raunchy classic. But frankly, I don't want to hear or have my children hear a song about seducing Santa Claus, and I especially don't like the image of the big fat bearded guy being straddled and ridden by a husky-voiced 80 year old woman who looks a lot like the scary fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror...and I'm not talking about Madonna here, though she's a bit scary too.
#4: Little Drummer Boy
Written by Davis, Onorati and Simeone
Performed by Everyone
"Baruppapumpum" is not a word in English OR in Aramaic, though it does sound a bit like the sound a glock makes when firing a burst over the heads of unruly Palestinians at a West Bank checkpoint. I was first introduced to this horrible song through a version recorded by Joan Baez. You'd think it couldn't get any worse than that, but thanks to the David Bowie duet with Bing Crosby this ultimate in sappy Christmas drivel has taken on iconic status and has now been covered by everyone from Joan Jett to Chicago and the two trampy Simpson sisters. Here's a clue. There's no drummer boy mentioned anywhere in the gospels. He's not even in the crazy apocryphal ones written by Essenes living in caves and eating sand lice with a nice garnish of hashish.
#3: All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth
Written by Some Vaudeville Hack
Performed by Exploited Toothless Rugrats Everywhere
Thankfully this song is not as popular as it was when I was a child. It doesn't hold up as well over time as some of the songs on this list. But I guarantee that sometime in the next month you'll hear a quavering little voice piping out the sentimental schmaltz about holiday tooth replacement programs, confusing the tooth fairy and Santa Claus in a truly troubling way. While not as patently offensive as the top two on this list, this song still ranks close just because it's so irritating.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - elsa
"Winter Wonderland!"
YUCK! I'm from the desert and freezing my ass!
2 - Stephen V Funk
JINGLE BELL ROCK is my personal #1.... ug... !
3 - RJ
Hilarious!
Personally, I can't stand any Christmas tune sung by Mariah Carey. But maybe that's just me...
4 - Zach
"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is "funny at least the first couple of times you hear it?"
Christmas songs are "redeemed" if performed by Alvin & The Chipmunks or the cast of South Park?!
I was right with you until those last few comments, even in spite of my perverse love for well-performed Christmas music...but seriously, man, how can a cloying song get BETTER when you throw high-pitched cartoon voices into the mix?
5 - Darren
Yes, I agree that "Jingle Bell Rock" should be violently stricken from our collective memories by those thingies they used on Men In Black. Until then I can't stop mentally seeing Hall & Oates performing a particularly lame version while dressed (badly) in drag.
Most annoying Christmas video ever.
6 - Mark Sahm
Dave, again your satire is bitingly funny and to the point. You took the thoughts out of my head on a couple of these. I don't think I've ever heard the Little Drummer Boy compared to West Bank gunfire before, and doubt I ever will again. Nice work.
7 - Dave Nalle
Zach, the painfully awful gets better when played in under a minute or with high squeaky cartoon voices because then it becomes parody.
As for Jingle Bell Rock, I should have added it to the list of songs which are great for putting new lyrics to, because it enables the classic couplet:
(parental advisory)
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock.
Jingle my Balls and Jingle my Cock.
Which certainly livens up the holidays.
Dave
8 - MazeBorn
I nominate the Chipmunk's Christmas Song for #1.5! "Are you ready to sing it now?" "OKAY!"
...
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please Christmas, don't be late!
AAAHHHH! Singing rodents!
9 - Pete Blackwell
Sweet pick for the Amazon link, Dave!
My all-time least-favorite Christmas song is "A Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney. Pure dreck, but absolutely insidious in its ability to saturate your brain cells and ooze into your semi-consciousness for months on end.
Kind of like "Rock & Roll Hoochie Coo" but Christmasy-er.
10 - Stephen V Funk
let's not forget "the twelve days of christmas" either...
11 - Dave Nalle
I also forgot to mention that horrible 'Do they know it's Christmas Time' group-sing thing they did for Africa.
So many bad, bad songs. Now my wife is telling me I ought to have included Jingle Bells as the most prominent of the bad songs.
Where do we draw the line?
Dave
12 - Mark Sahm
All lines will disappear, DN... because the time of year dictates that decades worth of bad music must be given omnipresence over the airwaves.
In my opinion, the greater question is whether there's actually a good timeless Xmas song that isn't corny. Even the South Park stuff (f-in hilarious as it was) got old after 5 years.
13 - Dave Nalle
The really horrifying thing is that every artist thinks they have to put out a Christmas CD with new awful versions of the old standards, and they also feel the need to throw on their own original contribution to the genre and it's usually wretched.
Dave
14 - Chantal Stone
The original songs by these no talent pop tarts are the WORST.
15 - Nancy
I agree that these songs were bad enough in and of themselves to begin with; the "new" (& improved? - NOT!) versions REALLY suck! White Christmas drives me berserk. I feel SO bad for the poor clerks who have to listen to these soundtracks over & over & over & over & over thru an entire work day.
All of this so-called "christmas music" could make someone become an atheist.
16 - J. P. Spencer
"All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" was written by Spike Jones. I wouldn't categorize him as "Some Vaudeville Hack", but rather the Rosetta Stone of Musical Comedy. While this song is not one of his best pieces, repeated listening of the rest of Spike Jones' catalog teaches you amazing things about musical arrangements. He was also one of the first musicians to embrace quadrophonic sound in the late '50's and early '60's. He was Weird Al BEFORE Weird Al WAS Weird Al. Find a best-of collection and skip over "...Two Front Teeth". You won't be disappointed.
17 - Dave Nalle
OMG, Spike Jones wrong it? That gives me a whole new perspective on the song. When I was researching the article I couldn't find any easily accessible web references to who wrote it, so I filled int he blanks. I had assumed that it was older than Spike Jones' era. Now that I know he wrote it I can at least think of it as satirical, but it's certainly not his best. "Tea for Two" holds that spot for eternity.
Dave
18 - Dave Nalle
Rewind. I did some more research. Spike Jones did perform the song, but he didn't write it. It was written by Don Gardner and wasn't picked up by Jones until several years later.
Dave
19 - J. P. Spencer
From what my trusty liner notes say, it seems Jones was the first to actually record it after it was passed on by many artists, but I stand corrected. The author was one Don Gardner.
20 - Dave Nalle
I've never heard the Jones version. The version I've been traumatized by features some annoying little girl singing the song - not surprisingly.
Dave
21 - MazeBorn
Hey, you reminded me of a Wierd Al song about nuclear bombs dropping on Christmas. Now I have to go hunt it up...
"Christmas at Ground Zero" It's a hoot!
22 - larry larry
arf arf arf.arf arf arf, arf hey arf arf arF! HEY!!!
23 - larry
that was the dogs singing jingle jingle bells or not larry
24 - RJ
"Christmas at Ground Zero" It's a hoot!
It sure is!
It's Christmas at ground zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringing and the carolers are singing
While the air raid sirens blare
It's Christmas at ground zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test
Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last-minute shopping
It's time to face your final destiny
It's Christmas at ground zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath the mushroom cloud
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbing down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill
It's Christmas at ground zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day
It's Christmas at ground zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my Yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at ground zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
25 - J.P. Spencer
Dave,
That "Annoying little girl" is actually George Rock, Spike Jones' banjo player. Each member of Jones' "Orchestra" had their own specialty voice. Rock's was an annoying little girl. It's worth noting that Rock used that voice on an Easter follow-up parody called "You Wanna Buy A Bunny?".