Critiquing music is difficult, mostly because everyone has their own criteria and therefore thinks they're an expert, which often results in heated discussions about the value of an artist or about his or her work. An easier topic to critique is sports because there's at least always a bottom line: no matter how ugly it was, the winner is still the winner. Too bad music isn't more like sports, where outcomes are defined by measurable times, distances, or goals for and against, and a winner is decided. Maybe as a trial balloon, music ought to be an Olympic sport by next summer. I can see it now: gold medals for the world's loudest band (measured in decibels), fastest guitar player (measured in notes per minute) or highest possible vocal note (measured by the number of crystal glasses broken at ten paces).
Perhaps that’s maybe a little clinical (or maybe cynical) - however, pop music already has a fine tradition of battle of the bands, so as far as the Olympics go, maybe the world could be ready for music as a type of boxing match. Just like the Olympics, we'd eliminate pro boxing’s cigar smoke atmosphere and obnoxious ring announcers and just stick to the business at hand - musicians and their songs fighting for big money endorsements and public prestige, errr... just like the pros. Just substitute weight divisions with theme divisions, run a number of smaller cards before the main event, and just imagine - it might go something like this:
1) ”Thinkin’ ‘Bout The Afterlife” Division:
Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven" vs. AC/DC "Highway to Hell"
So which will it be: a '70's rock anthem with pompous, ethereal philosophical meandering or a '70's rock anthem with mindless, bombastic drivel? Yeah, I know you hipsters who disavow any knowledge of the '70s are snickering and saying, "So which is which?" Laugh if you want, but both Zep and AC/DC will still be selling albums long after flavor-of–the-month (insert name here) returns to wherever they came from before the radio gods decided to play their hit into the ground.
I think Zeppelin deserves this one because I've actually run this tape backwards, and you really can hear some vaguely threatening mumbo jumbo, unintentional as it may be. AC/DC run backwards sounds like Alvin & the Chipmunks starring in Gidget Goes Hawaiian.
Article comments
1 - Glen Boyd
Bravo Mr. Mosquito. A fine first effort, and welcome to the cabal. Not sure I agree with your call on Olivia KO'ing The King, but I'd buy a ticket either way. I definitely agree with your comment about the seventies dinosaurs still standing long after the flavor of the moment has been consigned to the scrapheap of historical obscurity though.
Welcome aboard dude.
-Glen
2 - duane
I like the tag-team idea in the 'Pyro' category, but Nilsson would rule with 'Jump into the Fire.'
3 - Glen Boyd
I'd like to see Jimi "let me stand next to your fire" Hendrix go up against Arthur "I am the God of Hellfire" Brown myself.
-Glen
4 - duane
THAT would be a real barnburner.
I hope no one mentions 'Light My Fire' or 'Smoke on the Water.'
5 - JC Mosquito
Thanx, gentlemen. To use another sports analogy - it's a loose ball and you can run with it (yet another: Springsteen's "Fire" vs. Springsteen's "I'm On Fire" - wow, talk about beating yourself up!).
Glen - yeah, in the long run, Livvy don't hold a match (or even a grudge match) to Elvis. But I can't stand those wooden and inappropriate backing vocals. Perhaps there's a version with the J's conveniently lifted & replaced with a hot Telecaster solo - if there was, it'd make me happier anyway.
6 - Mark Saleski
urrgh!!! no amount of squeaky jazz, snarling power chords, or funked up hip-hop can get "You're The One That I Want" out of my head.
thanks a freakin' lot! ;-)
7 - jaz
well Mark..i have something to cure that...
my submission for the "tag team" competition, who will WTFpwn all faces in the next "games"
Bring the Noise!
8 - Cory Cooper
"bloated Lounge Lizard Elvis from twenty years later"
What a wrong and uneducated comment this is. The reason some people think this is becuase of the media's lack of homework. Elvis was only heavier the last 2 or 3 years of his life but nobody would know that if they only listened to the media. Also, Elvis didn't play lounges, he played the 2200 seat Showroom at The International Hotel later known as the Las Vegas Hilton.
Sincerely,
Cory Cooper
Elvis Historian
9 - JC Mosquito
Not being an Elvis historian, these date are approximate by year, I believe:
Elvis' first single - 1954.
Elvis dies Aug 1977. According to the info above, he was "only heavier in the last 2 or 3 years of his life." Which could bring us to early as 1974 - 20 years after his first single.
But this is rock and roll, and frankly, the facts are sometimes not as important as the perception of the facts. Did Elvis ever play in a "lounge?" I believe you when you say he didn't. At that point in rock history though, Elvis' show could have played in a lounge better than, Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Blue Oyster Cult and 95% of what we now consider rock or rock and roll bands. Frankly, he was no longer considered on the cutting edge of the contemporary music scene. And Elvis didn't deserve to end his career like that. He should've assembled himself a rock 'n'roll band like no other and toured and put all the young pups to shame.
But he didn't. It doesn't take away from his brilliant early career or your personal love of his music, some of which was great even at the end. But right now I would suggest this is how he's remembered in some circles - perhaps not yours, but there are an awful lot of people who forget that he was instrumental in staring the rock revolution.
And, after all, this is a satire piece - c'mon, Livvy over Elvis? Even I can't believe that.
Thanx for you comment, Mr. Cooper. If there's a rock 'n' roll heaven, maybe we'll both get to see the King lay a lickin' on Blue Suede Shoes one more time yet.
Skeeter.
10 - Cory Cooper
Skeeter,
My point was that if people only based what they thought or knew about Elvis and what he did for the history of music on what is printed by the media and in Tabloids, they would get a twisted and sometimes very wrong perception. You added to that by saying he played lounges.
He did assemble a rock n roll band like no other. With the likes of James Burton, Ronnie Tutt, Jerry Scheff, James Wilkerson and Glen D. Hardin. He had himself some of the best and most sought after group of musicians in the business at the time. They toured the United States and sold out arena after arena up until almost two months before he passed away. Other Performers like Elton John and David Bowie attended his concerts.
I will agree with you that some of the song material in later years was not like it had been but there still are a lot of gems in the catalog from that time that sparkle. He did still put others to shame. I don't believe there are many out there that could at that time or even now come out and sing songs like Just Pretend, How Great Thou Art, Hurt, What Now My Love and American Trilogy and sing it with the power and style Elvis did.
I'm glad that you understand how instrumental and important he was in and for music, I just wish more did as well and I think this is what you meant with your article.
Thanks Skeeter.
All The Best,
Cory Cooper
Elvis Historian
11 - JC Mosquito
Spot on there, Mr, Cooper - now if we could only get people to put down the tabloids while waiting at the supermarket, we'd get the general perception of a whole lotta things changed, not just Elvis.
It's interesting how generations have to reject what came before them before they come to an understanding what it is exactly they're rejecting. And rock and roll by it's very nature is an artform that survives by handing down influences from performer to performer, more so than pop music, which relies more on quick successes and even quicker exits to make room for next year's big thing. Frankly, at one time in my life, Elvis, the Beatles, the Stones & Dylan were all yesterday's heroes with nothing to offer to me. But as I hung in there I learned better - and many of my friends & associates didn't. Too bad: collectively, in spite of theiri ignorance, their purchasing power drove the market for awhile. Now, with the market in free fall while they sort out audio formats and so on, it's anyone's guess whether classic perfomances & recordings will be readily available, and whether rock and roll will survive the onslaught of instant pop divas and... dudes, I guess. You get the drift. And when those recordings don't disseminate, the chain will be broken, the music gone and the heroes forgotten. But that's a discussion for another time.
Best back atcha,
Sk.
12 - jaz
well..i gave my answer to the tag team challenge...
Here's my entry for the decathalon.
13 - Cory Cooper
Skeeter,
Well Said!!!
Keep up the good work.
All The Best,
Cory Cooper
Elvis Historian
14 - Chuzuko
AC/DC should've won in a landslide...i mean zep's good and all..but come on...Highway to Hell rocks.
15 - JC Mosquito
I would've thought Highway to Hell over Stairway too, but you know how it is with the judges in this sort of contest - any suggestion of backmasking, real or imagined, and everyone thinks you're sincere because you sold your soul to the debbil.
Keep on rockin', Chuz,
Sk.
16 - anandamide
here are my entries in the "bringers of divine wisdom" category: The Gospel According To Ray A Visit From Miss Stephanie Dear Dave