“It’s been a long time. I shouldn’a left you without news from the machine to upset you.”
Welcome back friends. I had hopes of never writing this column again, seeing as how well my lawsuits against those thieving filesharers are going. I’m not technically hurt by the piracy, I’m just suing to keep the courts busy. Besides, isn’t the point of all the illegal downloading litigation merely to make sure somebody — anybody — gets punished for this whole digital revolution? I mean, what kind of world are we living in when a man and his billion-dollar record industry can’t inspire paralyzing terror in the hearts of bedreadlocked hoodlum History majors?
I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget to take my (court-ordered) Valium and I start to rant. Anyways, here’s all the news that fits… the corporate agenda.
Pete Doherty: Looooooooves the drugs. Seriously, if he could marry drugs, he so would. I’m still not sure why everyone keeps calling this “Music news,” except I think he used to date Kate Moss (also a big fan of drugs) and she sometimes dates musicians I think. Either way, he’s back in court and wasting valuable space on TMZ.com all over again.
Scott Weiland: Also loves drugs. He loves them so much that a band full of old members of Guns N’ Roses could no longer overlook his adoration for the fairer substances and gave him the boot. Thankfully, he’s moved on to other projects so as to provide sustenance for his many hungry veins.
Stone Temple Pilots: The band that kicked Scott Weiland out before he went to Velvet Revolver has welcomed him back, presumably since their other project Army of Anyone flailed like a man on fire. A tour is planned, but no details have been announced. It’s assumed that the reunion will last until the cost of having to deal with Scott “Sober 'Til Noon” Weiland outweighs the benefits of blowing a week’s per diem on hookers and candy.
Apple: Recently surpassed the lovingly metallic, cuddling arms of Wal-Mart in music sales to become the #1 music retailer in the nation. I, however, am still unconvinced, and will continue risking my life by wading through poor people to shop at that giant blue disappointment next to the Home Depot. Where else can you get the smell of McDonald’s fries while you shop in a hip-hop section where every mention of drugs, guns, and black empowerment has been lovingly stripped out and you can pick up NASCAR-themed bed sheets on your way out?
Article comments
1 - Raeann
Weezer is teh best!
2 - Raeann
Chinese democracy doesn't exist, and neither does Axl's album.
Unless you have a pirated copy. Send to me?
3 - Matt
Well, according to a heap of folks, the album is totally finished. People have listened to it, some tracks have been put various game and movie soundtracks and promotions, and Sebastian Bach (whose musical taste is highly suspect) fucking loved it.
Axl's just giving us the tease act harder than a mormon on prom night.