I can't stand it! This band that I love so much, these White Stripes... well, there's a big problem and the world must know. It has to do with Jack and Meg. No, it's mostly Meg. No, it's all Meg. Read on, if you can stomach the truth. I'm sorry, but this must be done.
See, I've had some recent contact with Meg. All is not well. Listen to me people! Listen!!
The problem has to do with Meg's obsession with Jack. It does not matter that they are no longer a couple. It does not matter that Jack has moved on to Ms. Elson. None of that's important. What we should be fearing is Meg's near-insanity.
Right, the contact. I bumped into Meg at Lou's Records. She was poking through a dusty stack of old Gene Krupa albums and I commented on her good taste. We talked for a while about your Krupa's, your Art Blakey's, and your Louie Bellson's. Impressed with my knowledge of Big Band drummers (or maybe it was my pale complexion), Meg asked me out to dinner. Shocked is what I was. The vegan restaurant was intimidating, but Meg's warmth and simple beauty put me at ease. After a nice bottle of Pinot, we ended up back at her place.
Shocked, is what I was.
After Meg put on a Son House record, we got into a long and winding conversation about the music world. After a fashion, I could no longer help myself. I just had to bring up Icky Thump. Meg would have none of it. She just shook her head and before I knew what was happening she pushed me over into the couch's stack of pillows. The exchange of personal spaces and fluids excited me to no end. I am a man, yet my fanaticism would not let up. My attempt at bringing up Meg's garagey drumming style vs. Jack's almost Eastern-sounding guitar leads was met with another head shake. Silencing me with an index finger over her red lips, she pressed her breasts against me. Time began to lose its focus.
"...Oh.........Jack..."
What? This can't be! I remind her of the career dangers involved in becoming attracted (again!) to the man.
"I don't care! I miss him. Now shut up and kiss me like you mean it!"
Obviously, I am not opposed to what's going on in our current physical space. At the same, I'm very concerned for the welfare of the band. Can a person be their own Yoko Ono? I take a different approach, asking her if she'd noticed that Jack sounds a little like Billy Squire when he hits his upper register.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Mat Brewster
Whoa! That was...something.
And I'd like to thank you for making me think of you in your boxer shorts so early this morning.
2 - Pico
I can't decide which I need more: Icky Thump or a cold shower.
3 - Mary K. Williams
Geez Louise Sir Mark - this was fantastic.
Shocking it what it was. But fantastic.
4 - Christopher Rose
Shouldn't this be tagged "Satire" or "Fantasy" rather than "Review"?
5 - favian
boring.
6 - DukeDeMondo
aw i loved this! Sir Saleski, more of these sorts of excursions, i think.
Christopher, i think this does everythin a review should do. for one thing, it's a joy to read and i imagine it would be so even if one cared nowt for the record in question. for another, it has all the information a man might need - what the record sounds like, incredibly detailed "this sounds like this..." sort of bit, mention of key tracks including cover version and source thereof... everything, right here.
7 - Mark Saleski
satire? nope.
duke has it about right.
8 - JC Mosquito
Not quite Lester Bangs, but definitely better than Chatelaine.
9 - Mark Saleski
Not quite Lester Bangs....nobody is that good!
10 - Christopher Rose
Of course, it fails to get over the point that the trite and entirely unoriginal TWS suck massively.
All together now "I've got a doorbell and I'm gonna ring it". Fuck me, I'd rather listen to Brotherhood of Man. And I'd rather de-nut myself with a rusty knife than do that!
11 - Christopher Rose
I'm quite confident that Lester wouldn't have been into TWS either!
12 - Mark Saleski
"Oh well, the British always did have a tendency to be a bit backward..."
-Lester Bangs
13 - JC Mosquito
Christopher - first, my apologies - I only now caught your reply over on Triniman's recent White Stripes review, in which you said: "Skeeter, whilst I agree that there are a lot of highly generic bands around that lack any distinctive qualities, there is still a lot of great music out there of all types, ugly or beautiful. For me, TWS are in the former camp..."
Can you clarify this for me... are you saying that for you, TWS are a band that makes ugly music, or a "great" band that makes ugly music, or a band that makes "great" ugly music? The grammatical nuance is hard for me to place it exactly.
Would Lester have liked the White Stripes? Hmm... historical (or hysterical) rewriting in the making - I'd say yes he would. He liked the Guess Who, he liked Metal Machine Music, and he took matters into his own hands when he started a band. He would've liked them becuse his sense of humour was right in tune with the lo-fi DIY Stripes' ethic.
One thing's fer shure - he wouldn't have offered to denut himself with a rusty knife - unless it somehow allowed him to one-up Lou Reed.
14 - Christopher Rose
Mark, even the great ones get it wrong sometimes!
Skeeter, I meant that TWS are a highly generic alt rock band, kinda doing it by numbers but actually lacking any genuine alternativity.
As I said to Mark, even the great ones get it wrong, although having a deeply sardonic sense of humour is possibly the only level on which to appreciate TWS...
15 - Mark Saleski
i can easily see (or hear) why somebody would not like the White Stripes....but how they can be labeled 'generic' is beyond me.
since they're generic, name all of the other bands out there currently who sound like them.
16 - Christopher Rose
There are loads of so-called alternative bands out there that dress up like rebels whilst sucking at the music industry teat. Their expensively recorded approximations of the low-fi genre make me want to puke. They are as rebellious as Green Day are punk.
17 - Mark Saleski
you didn't answer my question. who else sounds like the White Stripes?
18 - Christopher Rose
I can't really answer your question any more specifically, Mark. I hear their music and find myself thinking "every single idea they have is ripped off from other bands" and my attention wanders off. You're far more of a music wonk than I am so you ought to be able to answer your own question better than I.
The whole of the rock genre is suffering from the tendency to conformity and a profound lack of new ideas and creativity. That it has spread so deeply as to have reached low-fi and blues is simply depressing.
19 - gonzo marx
waitaminnit...Bull Moose in Portland, eh?
i checked, there ain't no stains in the corner
fantasyland indeed!
harumph
be that as it may, TWS are slightly amusing in small doses, to me...i just don't get all the fuss
to each their own, i guess
however, yer gonzo has tix to TooL in Portland for tomorrow's show
i just love the look on the kiddies faces when a 45 year old man outlasts them in the heart of the Pit
an example...
Excelsior?
20 - Mark Saleski
I hear their music and find myself thinking "every single idea they have is ripped off from other bands" and my attention wanders off.
and you're still a big hip-hop fan?
and you can say that with a straight face?
21 - gonzo marx
on the aside of hip hop
this cover is Fun from the Gourds
Excelsior?
22 - JC Mosquito
Ripped off... not really - I'll go you one further - they make up stuff out of musical junk lying around - bits and pieces.. discards.... crap... thin air. It's like going to the junk yard and assembing enough pieces to build a pretty weird looking but well running car - built for two, natch, complete with noisy as hell muffler. I find myself constantly thinking, "Darn! Why didn't I think of that chord sequence - it's sooooo simple to the point of being simple minded!" Except the real simpleton is the guy who didn't find it before Jack White.
I know you don't like them, Christopher, but the more I lissen to 'em the better they sound. Well - who knows - maybe they're like Mcdonall's burgers - too much of them is bad for ya. On the other hand, they might prevent scurvy or something, if you take my meaning.
As for rock n roll as rebellion - it's all about personal rebellions now - the rock machine as a "movement" has been over for a long time....
23 - Christopher Rose
Mark, Hip-Hop is still creating new ideas, albeit at a lesser rate, just as it has since it started. As such, it has long since out-distanced rock which, despite having life-saving cardiac stimulation in the shape of the punk movement, by and large petered out in the 1990s and has been mostly treading water ever since.
You clearly have some kind of bias or prejudice against hip-hop, possibly because you appear to think of it all as in some way uncreative. This is an attitude I find deeply puzzling. As a jazz fan, I would have thought that many of the startlingly new musical ideas produced in the best rap music would thrill you as much as the best of Coltrane or Monk, to name but two...
Skeeter, you trip yourself up with your own metaphor. TWS do indeed pick up cast offs, which by definition must have been created by others. To carry on with your junk yard angle, yes, of course any vehicle built that way may function well, but it can no more be original than anything else built from the creative work of others.
If you perceive music in such a way that you are thinking about chord sequences rather than passion or ideas, then we are clearly having very different experiences.
Finally, I didn't really say anything about rock as rebellion, just that it has long since petered out as a creative force. That TWS vest themselves in these tattered rags and people buy their vacuous posturing is profoundly depressing.
24 - Mark Saleski
no, i brought up hip hop only because i knew you were a big fan...and that hip hop has been equally, if not more so, guilty of stealing from others.
sure, there's innovation there. i'm not denying it. anybody who thinks there isn't needs to take in a little history, maybe watch the movie Scratch for starters.
and no...i don't think about music in purely musical terms. in fact, almost never.
That TWS vest themselves in these tattered rags and people buy their vacuous posturing is profoundly depressing.
this posturing is purely a figment of your own imagination. if you read any interviews with White, you'll find a pretty genuine and subdued individual who just happens to be interested in a bunch of different musics. jc has it right on that one too.
still, you're free to hate them...and to go on making these statements as well.
sorta like mch in everything thread on bc.
25 - Christopher Rose
Mark, you're letting your love for TWS blind you - and you're mixing up comments addressed to Skeeter with my remarks to you.
I don't hate TWS, I just said I think they're over-rated. It really doesn't make any difference if White is genuine or not, it's entirely possible to be genuinely derivative and to my taste the music is still somewhat cliched.
I hope you aren't thinking I disliked your actual writing, for a fine creative thing it is, as the Duke so finely noted in #6 above. Indeed, it far outdistances the ability of your subject matter, both in rhythm and entertainment!
I've made the case for my point of view, patiently and, I'd like to think, well articulated. You're entirely free to disagree with me of course, but I'd have hoped for a more spirited and principled defence of this group you love than to make such a cheap accusation as you ended your last remark with.
Truly love is blind and there's clearly nothing worse than a fanboy whose love is put to the test and found wanting. As we're now left with nothing but cheap shots rather than passionate discourse, I'll close by observing that your bile is more typical of those loons who squabble over which American Idol contestant is the best than a true music fan, which I know you to be. Shame.
It's nigh on 2am here in Spain and I must to bed, so the last word can safely be yours...