So I was watching Best Week Ever and got the shock of my life: Christians are mad at Jessica Simpson for being mostly naked in her video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking."
I am shocked about this for maybe a different reason than you would think--I am a Christian and I didn't know that Jess was on our list this week. Somebody must have deleted my name from the mass email.
Jessica snapped right back, saying on Extra, "I think that if they’re really good Christians the judgment wouldn’t be there,” which proves once and for all that Jessica doesn't know the first thing about Christianity. Sure, maybe the early Christians were dying-by-mauling in the Roman arenas, but don't think for one second that their friends and relatives weren't in their underground chambers savoring the thought of the emperor in Hell and talking about his deplorable fashion sense.
Jessica's dad Joe Simpson, is, as always, right there in her corner. "That's God's business, judgment," he said another time when people were all scandalized by a naked Jessica. This is, of course, the man who has creepily said in the past, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"
For the record, I would like to say: eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww. If my dad ever talked about my boobs ... man, I don't even want to finish that sentence. Someone needs to speak to Joe Simpson on the topic: BOUNDARIES.
I didn't want to be left out of the heated discussion we're sure to be having in Sunday School this week, so I made a huuuuge sacrifice and watched VH1 until I saw this video. I have seen The Surreal Life sixteen times. I feel a little drunk.
Finally, FINALLY, at approximately 4:27 a.m., the video ran. I have a few comments.
1. That is not even the song. For two years, Loretta Lynn's version of this song has been in heavy rotation in my iTunes; I love the message of the song, which is, basically, this: you cheated, we're through, I've met someone new, so SUFFER. That is a message I can embrace. Jessica's version is about shoving her boobs in a police officer's face to get out of a ticket. Which, really, who hasn't done that? But did I wreck a song for it? No. Jessica Simpson has Weird Al Yancovic-ed this song, but without the humor. Well, without intentional humor.