New York, NY, April 1 2005
Tired of being slavishly imitated by legions of marginally talented singer-songwriters, music legends Joni Mitchell, Ani DiFranco and Tori Amos announced at a press conference today that they are forming a supergroup called The I's Have It. "Yeah, we'll be making some music," DiFranco explained, "but the main purpose is to try and put a stop to the endless hordes of clones. For this group I'll be writing and singing sweet love songs about how unfulfilled I am unless I have a man."
Amos, who is travelling in Europe and attended the press conference via astral projection, will be abandoning her piano for the accordion and singing her favorite gypsy and klezmer tunes. "This won't exactly be the Tori you're used to," said Amos through an interpreter. "For one thing, I'll be answering only to 'Spacey Spice.' Ha, it's like the little people in my head. Wait, I think they're in your head. Anyhoo, we're just so sick of people imitating us that we thought we'd bust up our images a bit. Take that, you stupid bloody girls. God, I'm sick of those damn sensitive piano-playing girls. Blimey!"
The group and tour was the brainstorm of Ms. Mitchell, whose famously antagonistic relationship with the music industry has led her to abandon the stage in recent years. Appearing at the press conference dressed in a pink fur bikini and gold go-go boots, Mitchell explained that she won't be singing or playing on this tour. "I'm just sort of the slutty eminence grise," she explained. "I'll be doing the suggestive dances, chain-smoking, and throwing paint on the audience." Raincoats, added tour promoter Mick Gustavsen, will be provided for spectators in the front rows.
For more information, contact M. Gustavsen at Happy Pants Entertainment, 212-555-GRIN.