Hearing the commotion from the neighboring outlet, the members of B5 grabbed putters from the new mini-golf course and rushed across the street to rescue their boy-band brethren, but they were too late. They arrived just as the crowd finsihed with Pretty Ricky and the enraged fans turned on them with shouts of "Die posers die" and "You just frontin".
In a matter of minutes the struggle was over and the three Smith brothers - Spectacular, Slick 'Em and Baby Blue - were barely recognizable. Hired-gun singer Marcus "Pleasure" Cooper survived by hiding under a Chevy Suburban, but died later from injuries sustained during the riot.
Iesha, a survivor of the crowd at the gruesome event, commented "I just want to say I love B5 to death, but not like really to death, death. That's so wack, aight."
Increasingly the heavy crowds of desperate bargain seekers of Black Friday have become prone to violence, and it's a national shame and a rebuke to crazed consumerism that these nine young men should have been snatched from life so early when they had so many marginally lyrical odes to teen sex still to croon and/or rap before their careers petered out in bitterness, obscurity and sudden impoverishment sometime next year.
As perceptive Pretty Ricky fan Alicia (age 11) commented "You live by the sword and you die by the sword. I give em' mad props. I love pretty ricky. No doubt. Forevuh. I wish I could Lay My Body Down with Spectac, but now I'd get my Mudds all grimy with blood and ick, so no thank you girlfriend. But now they will be representin' in God's hood forever, yo."
Truer words were never said.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Sterfish
You know Dave, I don't know whether I should be laughing like crazy or fearing for your safety (wait until the groups' fans see this...). Either way, this is an entertaining post.
2 - Christopher Rose
Great piece of work Dave, love it. Don't forget to watch your inbox you brave, brave man!
3 - Mark Sahm
Amusing post, Dave... nice change of pace from you. I actually was a few grafs in before I noticed the satire label. We'll see if the fan masses notice it too. I'm predicting they won't, or rather they won't know the definition any more than 'ambiguous'.
4 - Dave Nalle
I mostly wrote this because I was curious if just having the various names in there numerous times and in the title would result in the same fan group who found the two popular reviews stumbling onto this post in the same way - and of course I yearn to hear their reaction.
Dave
5 - Bennett
Ladies and Gentleman, the NEW World Record holder for: "Comments TK (to come)"..... DAVE NALLE!
Great and funny post Dave, you really should do this more often.
Cheers!
6 - Lobo
How cn you find this tasteless and possibly racist mockery of these talented young singers funny?
7 - Mark Sahm
Maybe the kids got your joke, Dave. Perhaps there's hope yet for America's youth.
8 - Dave Nalle
I think it's likely because BC postings aren't getting picked up by google news as reliably as they used to.
Dave
9 - Sterfish
"How cn you find this tasteless and possibly racist mockery of these talented young singers funny?"
This post isn't a mockery of the singers so much as it is a mockery of their fans. And if you think this is a mockery, you haven't read the comments on the B5 and Pretty Ricky reviews. Every day I get them in my account, I fluctuate between shaking my head in shame, laughing, feeling sorry for the state of the world, wishing the fans would stop posting, and cursing the day I decided to request the groups' albums for review.
10 - Bennett
Y'know, I wondered how you were holding up, Sterfish. My god, how many emails containing only the word "Yo" or perhaps "Lola?" can one person stand?
There's a lesson here. And I agree with Dave about the lack of Google News feed. Used to be...
11 - Dave Nalle
I mostly feel sorry that you had to listen to their music, Sterfish. I listened to about half of 3 songs on iTunes just to get a feel for it and it made me wish for the return of Nsync.
Dave
12 - rania
hey guys how are u i love u guys soooooo much u can email me okay will bey bey
13 - tasha
hey seriously i dnt actually av a clue bout wot ur chattin bout but hello anyways n pretty ricky r so fine and dnt 4get u lot spectacular is mine!!!!kk in a bizzle loadsa luv tasha xx XX xx
14 - Shaniqua
Sorry Spectacular is mine, so u could have someone else....Much love Shaniqua
15 - Bennett
And so it begins...
16 - Dave Nalle
And about time too. Given the stench raised by the music of these two groups I'd have thought it would have spread faster.
Dave
17 - Shaniqua AKA Pleasures Wifey
Hey this is Shaniqua but i like Pleasure,so!!!
I also have him,love him and talked 2 him and if u dont believe me go 2 PR blog and read #'s 845-950 and then read #'s 1042.
Here we go wit tha hatin...
18 - Haley
I'm a fan of Pretty Ricky, but not B5... and i had to say that that was pretty..... interesting...
19 - Matthew T. Sussman
Nalle is about to get own3d by the teeniebots!
20 - Kristyn Baps
To any of the girls who claim to like Spectacular and Slickem, you must be out of your mind. They are mine all of them even Baby Blue and Pleasure
all of these females need to bag back and give my husbands 50 feet.
21 - Kristyn Baps
If all these girls love Pretty Ricky I congragulate all of ya. At least somebody got some sense and they are not trying to fill in for B2Ks left overs they are even better and cuter. Somebody write back. Peace 1
22 - carnellzgurl
pretty ricky ain't got nothing on b5
23 - a.k.a Dade Angel b.ka Mrs.Cooper c.b.c Mrs. 2pac
girl pleaze pr got everything on b5
24 - Shaniqua
yes PR do got everything on B5 and more...
25 - PLEASUREZ NMB GIRL
PRETY RICKY IS THE SEXIEST. THOSE GAY LITTLE BOYZ NEED TO GO BACK TO MICHEAL JACKSONS HOUSE!!!!111