In a startling turn of events this past Friday all of the members of the sexually ambiguous teen vocal group B5 and marginally pornographic boy-toy rap ensemble Pretty Ricky were violently assaulted along with many of their fans in a bizarre consumer riot at a gigantic outlet mall in San Marcos, Texas.
B5 was scheduled to perform at the opening of the new miniature golf course at the Prime Outlet Mall at the same time that Pretty Ricky was making a special appearance in the parking lot infront of the Tommy Hilfiger and Nautica stores at the adjacent Tanger Outlet Mall.
The riot began when customers hopped up on excessively strong Fudge from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory became dissatisfied with the long check-out lines at the Old Navy outlet store on the busiest shopping day of the year. A scuffle broke out and spilled into the parking lot, where panicked shoppers soon rioted, breaking into a number of stores including the Black and Decker outlet, where they armed themselves with wrenches, box-cutters and screwdrivers.
The armed looters then moved from store to store until they found their route blocked by the throng of admirers gathered around an outdoor stage where Pretty Ricky members were signing autographs and performing small snippets of their unique sexually-charged hip-hop vocals. Finding their path blocked, the enraged shoppers fell on the crowd of teens, tearing through them to reach the members of Pretty Ricky who lasted only moments before being overwhelmed and torn limb from limb.
One of the surviving audience members commented "When the crowd rushed the stage I was listening to Grind with Me on my iPod, and I just wanted to grind with my man Spectacular - he's so sexy freaky. But then so did a bunch of haters, and we kind of ground him to death."
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Sterfish
You know Dave, I don't know whether I should be laughing like crazy or fearing for your safety (wait until the groups' fans see this...). Either way, this is an entertaining post.
2 - Christopher Rose
Great piece of work Dave, love it. Don't forget to watch your inbox you brave, brave man!
3 - Mark Sahm
Amusing post, Dave... nice change of pace from you. I actually was a few grafs in before I noticed the satire label. We'll see if the fan masses notice it too. I'm predicting they won't, or rather they won't know the definition any more than 'ambiguous'.
4 - Dave Nalle
I mostly wrote this because I was curious if just having the various names in there numerous times and in the title would result in the same fan group who found the two popular reviews stumbling onto this post in the same way - and of course I yearn to hear their reaction.
Dave
5 - Bennett
Ladies and Gentleman, the NEW World Record holder for: "Comments TK (to come)"..... DAVE NALLE!
Great and funny post Dave, you really should do this more often.
Cheers!
6 - Lobo
How cn you find this tasteless and possibly racist mockery of these talented young singers funny?
7 - Mark Sahm
Maybe the kids got your joke, Dave. Perhaps there's hope yet for America's youth.
8 - Dave Nalle
I think it's likely because BC postings aren't getting picked up by google news as reliably as they used to.
Dave
9 - Sterfish
"How cn you find this tasteless and possibly racist mockery of these talented young singers funny?"
This post isn't a mockery of the singers so much as it is a mockery of their fans. And if you think this is a mockery, you haven't read the comments on the B5 and Pretty Ricky reviews. Every day I get them in my account, I fluctuate between shaking my head in shame, laughing, feeling sorry for the state of the world, wishing the fans would stop posting, and cursing the day I decided to request the groups' albums for review.
10 - Bennett
Y'know, I wondered how you were holding up, Sterfish. My god, how many emails containing only the word "Yo" or perhaps "Lola?" can one person stand?
There's a lesson here. And I agree with Dave about the lack of Google News feed. Used to be...
11 - Dave Nalle
I mostly feel sorry that you had to listen to their music, Sterfish. I listened to about half of 3 songs on iTunes just to get a feel for it and it made me wish for the return of Nsync.
Dave
12 - rania
hey guys how are u i love u guys soooooo much u can email me okay will bey bey
13 - tasha
hey seriously i dnt actually av a clue bout wot ur chattin bout but hello anyways n pretty ricky r so fine and dnt 4get u lot spectacular is mine!!!!kk in a bizzle loadsa luv tasha xx XX xx
14 - Shaniqua
Sorry Spectacular is mine, so u could have someone else....Much love Shaniqua
15 - Bennett
And so it begins...
16 - Dave Nalle
And about time too. Given the stench raised by the music of these two groups I'd have thought it would have spread faster.
Dave
17 - Shaniqua AKA Pleasures Wifey
Hey this is Shaniqua but i like Pleasure,so!!!
I also have him,love him and talked 2 him and if u dont believe me go 2 PR blog and read #'s 845-950 and then read #'s 1042.
Here we go wit tha hatin...
18 - Haley
I'm a fan of Pretty Ricky, but not B5... and i had to say that that was pretty..... interesting...
19 - Matthew T. Sussman
Nalle is about to get own3d by the teeniebots!
20 - Kristyn Baps
To any of the girls who claim to like Spectacular and Slickem, you must be out of your mind. They are mine all of them even Baby Blue and Pleasure
all of these females need to bag back and give my husbands 50 feet.
21 - Kristyn Baps
If all these girls love Pretty Ricky I congragulate all of ya. At least somebody got some sense and they are not trying to fill in for B2Ks left overs they are even better and cuter. Somebody write back. Peace 1
22 - carnellzgurl
pretty ricky ain't got nothing on b5
23 - a.k.a Dade Angel b.ka Mrs.Cooper c.b.c Mrs. 2pac
girl pleaze pr got everything on b5
24 - Shaniqua
yes PR do got everything on B5 and more...
25 - PLEASUREZ NMB GIRL
PRETY RICKY IS THE SEXIEST. THOSE GAY LITTLE BOYZ NEED TO GO BACK TO MICHEAL JACKSONS HOUSE!!!!111