In what could only be considered the funniest practical joke ever perpetrated against me — I suspected by Blogcritics’ illustrious boss Eric Olsen, and if not him then by the Universe at large — I have had the new Crazy Frog Christmas single fling its way, unbidden by me, through my letterbox.
My immediate thoughts were that, after having a lengthy discussion with Eric — involving removing my own ovaries with a splintered wooden spoon rather than even CONSIDER listening to it — he thought it would be funny to tell the PR people that I would review it. Now that I have cleaned up all the blood from my burst ear drums, and the vomit from laughing my self sick at the thought of Eric doing this to me, I have decided to write up the review to end all reviews! I have always said that some jokes are too obvious to take advantage of but I think this time I will.
First I should explain the cultural importance of the Christmas number one in Britain. Every year there is a race by numerous pop wannabe’s, has-been crooners and other various — frequently vacuous — musical “artists” to get that coveted chart spot on Christmas day. To be forevermore known as a Christmas number one artist. Sounds ridiculous I know, but this most-lusted-after honour is preceded and subsequently followed by overwhelming media attention, including coverage in every single tabloid newspaper in Britain. The race can and has launched careers.
This cultural idiosyncrasy has even been immortalised in the film Love Actually, in which Bill Nighy’s character, Billy Mack, remakes “Love Is All Around You” by The Troggs — most recently and famously covered by Wet Wet Wet (15 weeks at UK number one in 1994) — in an attempt to re-launch his career. Even The Darkness have attempted to grab the festive top spot. Indeed every year you can place a bet on who you believe is most likely to be the holder of said dubious honour. Last year’s Christmas number one was Shayne Wards’ “That’s My Goal”; the year before it was Band Aid 20’s re-make of “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time”.
And this year, as with last year, Crazy Frog’s PR Company are hoping to make the demon, motorbike-mouthed, frog from hell the next Christmas number one. Crazy Frog’s record/marketing company are hoping their lazy remake of the already iffy Christmas song Last Christmas will do the trick — although Wham’s original only ever made it to number two in Britain. Crazy Frog’s version of Last Christmas sounds as if a group of Mormon Tabernacle Choir rejects sang “Last Christmas” with the digitized “runndududundundun, ringdidingdingding, bingbing” over the top. That’s it! No need to go out and buy this bile you have just heard it right here. Don’t participate in this, the epitome of marketing run amok.
Crazy Frog is just another way to take your money off you. This is not something you will cherish forever; it is not something special. It’s something that any 12-year-old could make on their home computer. If you need to give away £3.99 give it to charity, give it to Children in Need, UNICEF or Cancer Research. Support people who really need it. So to sum up, unless you feel the need to catch aural syphilis, I would avoid Crazy Frog this Christmas because he is bringing you something very nasty. Ear poison.