A race absolutely alien to God has invaded the land of Christians … They have circumcised the Christians, either spreading the blood … on the altars or pouring it into the baptismal fonts.
Thus did Pope Urban II, in the year of our Lord 1095, launch what was to become The First Crusade, the holy war against that race God didn't know — the Muslims who inhabited the sacred, mystical, holy city of Jerusalem — and whose behavior against God-fearing Christians, well, cut to the quick.
Fast forward to Monday, March 30. History repeats itself. But this time, it's not some strange religious entity stealing our manhood, our sacred privates, our foreskin. No, it's America's doctors and parents, aided and abetted by federal and state officials.
As reported by Dan Zak in The Washington Post, a group of fifty dedicated, religious, knife-less men and women marched around the White House, calling for a federal ban on newborn circumcision. Mr. Zak is no doubt one whose willie remains whole. How else to account for his snide and dismissive account of this group's activities? Yet their signs make it clear that they're serious-type people, urging our new president to act with dispatch when it comes to this barbarous act:
These folks know when to poke it to the man. It's Genital Integrity Awareness Week as well as National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Female circumcision has become a cause celebre, but is it not time for an upwelling of support for men? Actually, newborn male-type babies. Who will speak up for their rights?
For 914 years, good people have spoken out against this mutilation of a man's best friend, confidant, and conscience — from Popes, to the American Academy of Pediatrics, to "Marilyn Milos, a former nurse and founder of the National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers," who claims that circumcision causes "premature ejaculation."
And these people are just the tip of the iceberg. Thousands, nay, perhaps millions of American men are suffering.
Yes, I'll admit it. When I was very young, perhaps a few days or weeks old, my parents agreed to have my blessed foreskin — oh, this is so hard to say — whacked off. I don't know if they took me to a doctor or a mohel (a Jewish guy with a very sharp set of knives, steady hands, and a really, really bad attitude — some would call him a prick, but that might be going too far — anyway, these mohelim conduct the barbaric "off with his head" ritual… for a small fee).
Thanks to years of therapy, countless sessions in ashrams contemplating my loss, and the unwavering support of my close friends, I have forgiven them — Mom and Dad — for they knew not what they did. But those of us, as many as 85% of boys in 1965, thankfully down to 56% a couple of years ago, who have had to live as half a man, must join forces with the brave group who braved the scorn of the media on Monday to prevent our tragedy from being visited on the unborn males in this vast country.
How can one doubt the dangers of lopping off the most important part of a man's manliness? How else can one account for the 850 million doses of Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, and other pills swallowed in just the past few years by men desperate to restore their pride?
According to the highly-respected website, Impotence-Guide.Com, "Erectile Dysfunction is caused by a lack of blood flow or a misfiring of neural signals to the penis during sexual intimacy. This restriction leaves affected men unable to sustain a natural erection allowing for penetration. More than 50% of men over the age of 40 will experience some level of ED at one point or another during their life." [Emphasis theirs, don't point at me!]
Some have called circumcision "the trauma that haunts forever." (Well, I call it that, which isn't exactly "some.") Nevertheless, that trauma, embedded deep within the neurons in our brains, is what leads to the misfiring of those signals so essential to strength, length, and fortitude.
Consider that Extenze, the all-natural, male enhancement pill that is guaranteed to make a certain part of the male anatomy longer and wider, has been swallowed over one millions times. Would men seek extra length if their original size hadn't been tampered with?
The solution is simple. Mr. President, you must act. On behalf of a crippled nation, I call upon you to take whatever action is necessary to end this century-old attack on the male-type babies of our nation. It is not too early in your term to consider your legacy. Let it be known, that when confronted with a choice between mutilation and exaltation, you rose to the occasion.
In Jameson Veritas