There is a point in Transformers 2 where John Turturro’s character pleads with an ancient Autobot to tell him what’s going on: “Facts. Facts. Facts. Beginning, middle, end. Plot. Plot. Plot,” yells Turturro. Maybe someone should have been yelling this at Michael Bay and whoever else was involved in this incomprehensible mess of a movie.
Since we last saw Optimus Prime and his friends, the Autobots and humans have formed a secret military coalition to hunt down rogue Decepticons still wreaking havoc around the globe.
The teenage hero from the last film, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf), is back. He’s heading off to college across the country. Leaving behind Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox), his girlfriend and the Autobot Bumblebee who has been his trusty guardian disguised as a Camaro.
The first night in college Sam finds himself smack-dab in the middle of a huge party full of beautifully tanned people. After so much beautiful and so much tan, we get the feeling that this is how Michael Bay really views the world. Sam meets a vapid generic campus hottie, who takes a keen interest in him. She sways like a tree in the wind, but is only stick thin. Her skin shines with a faux glimmer making her dark tan appear almost orange. Her voice sounds like a sex phone line pro. It’s all so fake, so false, that we realize the rest of Transformers 2 is just as transparently phony.
Everything from the girls to the action in Transformers 2 is designed for cheap thrills. Bay aims for every low-brow joke in the book. Racial stereotyping, bad sex jokes, and “hilarious” humping scenes are just a few of the gems he’s able to come up with. These cheap jokes actually went over well with the audience in my screening, but when a movie has three humping scenes and none of them involve an actual human doing the humping there’s something wrong with that. Why would a robot hump anything? Do they even reproduce that way? Obviously none of this even crossed Bay’s mind.
The movie follows an overwrought plot that seems to stretch on and on with no end in sight. Two and a half hours of explosions, metallic crunches, and robots shooting endless amounts of ammo; all the while interspersed with needless dialogue, from clunky characters regurgitating awful writing.
Then the characters run. That’s all they do is run. Running from robots and explosions. Somehow humans are able to outrun explosions but other gigantic robots cannot.
Transformers 2 in pure sequel fashion, tries to introduce far too many characters at one time. Not like we ever care about any of the characters anyway, but with the multitude of new robots being introduced it’s impossible to keep up with them, especially during fight scenes. Hunks of whirring metal machine parts punching other metal machine parts. It’s as indecipherable as the alien writings floating around in Sam’s head. Alien writings you may ask. Did I lose you? Well, that was intentional. Just to give you a glimpse of what you’re in for when you purchase your ticket for Transformers 2.
As the movie lumbers along, any casual movie watcher can see that most of the movie’s scenes or ideas have even been “borrowed” from other films. Ideas and scenes from The Last Crusade, Fifth Element, and Alien are all present. Bay even goes so far as to stick a poster for Bad Boys 2 in the movie. Real subtle.
After all the slow-motion running scenes, after all the giant explosions, and racially stereotypical dialogue from some of the robots, after witnessing the complete disaster that is Transformers 2, each and every person should be offered a refund. And then every print of the film should be taken and dropped as deep into the ocean as Megatron was in the first film. But, sadly that didn't even stop him from coming back.