Dear Sam Raimi,
I hope you get this, because I really wanted to ask you — what went wrong, man?
I guess you probably don't care; the movie's making more money than anything ever has, and the sales of merchandise should make another fortune, but surely you've got to admit that it sucked?
And I think, deep down, that you really know that. Maybe you pushed the self destruct button: "Hey, I know, I'll make a crap third movie, and then I'll have my life back; I can kick the web-swinger out of my mind, and get on with Evil Dead 4 or maybe another movie with Bill Paxton and Billy Bob" – but I don't buy that. You're on to a good thing, right? And what else is there to work on — some movie about short dudes with hairy feet?
But Sam, you said there'd be no Venom. I remember it, a while back, you said you'd never do it. But then, in the movie, the Spider-Man 3 movie, he's there. Venom. The black-suited, snappy jawed thing. Except his face kept peeling back and that Topher Grace dude was in there (who was pretty good, I liked him in this). So we've got Venom, and then Sandman (nice job on not letting Thomas Haden Church act until the last five minutes of the movie by the way, was that one of your ideas too? You might as well have cast David Hasselhoff), and New Goblin (who I thought was pretty cool).
Even though you said there'd be no Venom, I could forgive you. I could, if you had actually managed to get that Tobey Mogwai guy and Kirsten Dunce to act. Maybe they couldn't remember what acting was; maybe all the money had clouded their minds or something? They should take a look at the second movie: the stuff that Alfred Molina's doing in that one: that's called "acting". The stuff that Tobey and Kirsten are doing here: that's not acting, that's sucking.
And that dance sequence! What were you thinking? Who told you that was a good idea? Having women check Peter Parker out in the street, just 'cause he's taken a leaf out of Johnny Cash's wardrobe, and started wearing his hair like someone out of My Chemical Romance? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? I was ashamed to be in the cinema. I'd happily sit through Ghost Rider another three times to erase the memory of those sequences from my mind.
You turn J. Jonah into some kind of laughing stock, rewrite Spidey's origin story to better suit your movie (which was DUMB by the way – oh, and we're suppose to just accept that the "actually trying to do right by my daughter" Sandman would pair up with the "actually, want to kill everyone 'cause I'm evil" Venom?), waste James Cromwell and Theresa Russell, and bore the living bejesus out of me for over two hours.
And what was the point of Gwen Stacy? Other than to give you a new love interest when Dunce decides she's not coming back for another movie. Although if you ask me, she didn't really come back for this one: she looked like she really wanted to be somewhere else; somewhere far, far away (much like I did, at times). Oh, and Bryce Dallas Howard — much cuter than Kirsten Dunce. I can't help but think she'd have made a better MJ. At the very least Bryce looks like she's pleased to be in the movie; Kirsten just looks embarrassed. Does she not like being a redhead, Sam?
"But Dan", you ask, "surely you enjoyed my CGI-tastic fight sequences?" Um… no. The first one, with Harry and Peter, that was cool. I enjoyed that one. The Sandman effects — also cool. And, I'll admit, I enjoyed the big finish — that construction site scrap with Mega-Sandman and Crappy-Venom. But why'd you have to go an insult everyone's intelligence with a flashback to the church bell during the finale? Not cool. And why'd you have to take a) so long to get to the end, and b) so long to actually end the Goddamn movie?
I can't hold it all against you though; getting Bruce back was inspired. The Monty Python turn he does here — magnifique! I want a director's cut of this movie, that just has the CGI, Bruce sequence, and the Ted Raimi sequence (minus the cringe-worthy sending up of JJ). That might make a good movie.
Sam, Sam, Sam. I say this one word to you now: "STOP!" Hang up the Spidey-suit. Walk away. Go make Evil Dead 4, or some new horror movie with virtually no budget. Hell, make The Hobbit, that'll at least be a major change from this gig.
But maybe that was your plan all along?