This year marks a milestone for me — it is the first year I will vote in the annual Razzie Awards. In preparation for this I decided to immerse myself in the world of truly wretched filmmaking by enduring a two-week Razzie marathon. This serves two purposes: to act as a reference for the awful films released this year, and so that when the Razzie ballot lands on my doormat in December I have the depth of knowledge to inform my vote in the Worst of the Decade Awards. The marathon will consist of as many films as I can watch. They will range from I Know Who Killed Me to Gigli and everything in between.
For the opening movie in the marathon I chose the current Worst Picture “winner,” The Love Guru.
The title sequence of The Love Guru basically consists of Mike Myers singing an Indian version of Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”, in a stereotypical Indian accent and while scantily clad Indian ladies dance in the typical Bollywood style. This tells you that you are in for 87 minutes of brutally unfunny jokes and borderline racist representation of Hindus and Indians. This film is also offensive to dwarves, anyone with a brain cell, and Mariska Hargitay, who actually appears in the film.
The film’s plot revolves around Guru Pitka (Myers) being hired by the owner of an ice hockey team (Jessica Alba) to reunite their star player (Romany Malco) with his estranged wife (Meagan Good). On top of that, Justin Timberlake plays the subtly named Jacques “Le Coq” Grande, a player for the rival team and also the wife’s new boyfriend. What ensues is 87 minutes of laugh-free, awkward, and crass jokes that seem like they were written by a five-year-old. This is even more shocking when you learn that screenplay was written by Myers himself and co-screenwriter Graham Gordy.
The direction by Marco Schnabel is equally as horrifying. Schnabel’s camera languishes for long lengths of time on Myers, clearly trying to pry a joke out of him but to no avail. This adds emphasis to the anaemic material as Schnabel depends on it to drive the movie forward, but as the jokes aren’t funny, the movie grinds to a screeching halt every time Myers is present which is pretty much every scene.
The performances are atrocious across the board. Myers chews the scenery whenever he is asked to speak, Alba is more set decoration than anything else, and Justin Timberlake is suitably over-acting. The supporting Malco and Good are so bland that they act as the bread to Myers and Timberlake’s ham sandwich.
The first film in the Razzie marathon is even worse than expected due to Schnabel’s arthritic direction and Myers' laughably bad script. It is only the first film out of twelve and I am already considering suicide.Powered by Sidelines