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Movie Review: Invasion USA

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Chuck Norris, it would seem, is America's leading brand of all-purpose pest control. Whether it be Russians, Chicago mobsters, diamond thieves, ninjas, or Satan himself, the bearded one's sizable feet of furious anger will ultimately make these glorious American streets safe from whatever threat happens to be skipping down the lane that day. More importantly, he'll achieve these seemingly impossible goals without the usual macho bravado associated with most unstoppable action heroes. What a swell guy! I think I'll invite him to my Wii party next week so I can personally thank him for keeping my capitalist ass safe and sound.

Joseph Zito's 1985 right-wing fantasy epic Invasion USA is an excellent example of what Norris can accomplish when left to his own devices. Using an impressive array of weaponry to dispense his patented brand of vigilante justice, our lethal hero will take back our democratic streets from the hundreds of heavily-armed Russian thugs who have unexpectedly stormed our sandy shores. It's rather comforting to know that I live in a country where a single white man can stop an elite army of determined terrorists with nothing but a pair of Uzis, a bazooka, and his pretty little feet.

Such pretty, pretty little feet…

Chuck Norris stars as ex-federal agent/karate expert/alligator wrangler Matt Hunter, a man who seems quite content to spend the rest of his life with an armadillo in the middle of nowhere. When an old enemy by the name of Mikhail Rostov (Richard Lynch) decides to lead an all-out assault on the suburban streets of Miami, Florida, our bearded hero is called back into harm's way in order to save our sorry behinds from complete and utter destruction. With an enormous set of sweaty balls dangling furiously between his oh-so capable legs, can Hunter stop this legion of Russian thugs from turning America into a one enormous mass grave?

Attempting to follow the so-called plot of Invasion USA shouldn't be a problem whatsoever. It's as basic and generic and pedestrian as they come, allowing even those with terminal stupidity to enjoy the proceedings without overexerting their shamefully limited intelligence. All you really need to know is that Chuck Norris is an unstoppable hairy killing machine with the uncanny ability to arrive precisely when a terrorist attack is about to occur. Unfortunately for everyone, he's only able to actually prevent half of them from ever taking place. Whoops.

Where Invasion USA really shines like a shiny new cubic zirconia is in the good ol' action department. Watch in feverish rapture as Richard Lynch gleefully obliterates an entire suburban neighborhood with his trusty bazooka, a device which seems to have an endless supply of death-dealing ammunition. In fact, just about everyone listed in the opening credits is packing some sort of rocket-propelled weapon, Mr. Norris included. I don't know exactly when bazookas went out of style, but I'm hoping someone out there is willing to give them a cinematic resurrection within the next few years. I'll post the petition as soon as I find the time.

As with most Golan-Globus productions, one shouldn't spend too much time thoroughly dissecting the performances. Richard Lynch seems to be having a blast with the material, delivering a thick layer of stinky faux Russian cheese that will leave you either mildly amused or deeply offended. Chuck Norris, on the other hand, wears one expression throughout the entire length of the picture. It's a look that reminds me of a very interesting documentary I saw the other night about severe constipation and its effect on various Hollywood celebrities. For the sake of his rectal future, I do hope he had that taken care of.

And by the way, who decided to cast the talentless Melissa Prophet in this film, anyway? I kept waiting and waiting for her character to violently bite the dust, only to have my hopes dashed upon the rocks of woe when she survived until the oddly abrupt conclusion. Maybe someone will shoot her in the mouth the next time I watch it. Keep your fingers crossed!

The very idea that these stupendous United States could be so easily invaded by a foreign terrorist organization is a frightening one, especially in this paranoid day and age. Invasion USA proves, if nothing else, that the American people shouldn't worry their pretty little heads about such stressful political scenarios. Why not, you ask? Because Chuck Norris is standing right outside your bedroom door, a pair of Uzis strapped to his suspenders and a shiny new bazooka leaning against his twitchy right leg. Should anyone decide to blow up your pricey suburban home, he'll be there to protect you.

Just don't forget to water him, okay?

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