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Movie Review: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra

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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is okay. That is a thing worth fighting for. Transformers 2 was a shit storm of Megatronic proportions. G.I. Joe is merely very, very busy. I thought many things while I watched this remake of an '80s TV program, which I never liked in the first place, and one of those things was, "End, already!"

There's so much movement! Stephen Sommers, the director, has basted this 40 lb. turkey and stuffed it full of data that in this digitized age would only engage the attention of a super-computer or a four-year-old kid. There were some bad-ass action sequences though, son!

Bad-ass swords chopping the air in half, and banging on metal, chic-ching! The Ninja brothers cut a dashing figure, pun intended. More of this dynamic duo would have been delish. The plot, and the action, hinge on crazy new tech from "not too far in the future," and the filmmakers use it to 95% advantage. Witness the scene where our two main "Joes" go rollerblading down the Champs Elysees spiffed up in robo-suits that resist both enemy fire and the laws of physics with equal ease. See B-cup actress Sienna Miller fill her latex jumpsuit with massive mammaries that would put any Vivid contract girl to shame.

Technology is set to seriously expand in only a few years. Too bad the special effects are so pedestrian, for the most part. Guaranteed, this movie's going to look dated in five years. Nonetheless, I a-little-bit enjoyed the experience.

Witness me, wrapped up in what's happening, straw from the cup in my mouth, eyes wide like a hurricane. And not least so for the character-driven plot. That is what I mean by data cramming. This two-hour master-blaster manages to cram in enough back story between explosions to inspire 20 comic book spin-offs, and does it well enough to keep us at least a little bit interested in who's shooting who, and what that explosion means for this plot point, and so on and so forth.

The dialogue is pure crap. It would barely pass muster on CSI. And some of the acting will positively send a chill up your spine. Everyone — one person, whatever — some mook sitting next to me — was cracking the heck up over Dennis Quaid's line delivery, and after some initial frustration on my part, I decided to join the fun, because I knew he was right. It's taken me a long time to come to this, but I've finally accepted that Quaid just straight up sucks. And that's a sad fact of life, and it's time for him to be put to pasture.

Anyway — and this is bad, not funny bad, just bad bad bad — GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra manages to also squeeze in every single action movie cliche ever repeated three times in Hollywood history, and I'm amazed I didn't start screaming at the screen — because it was very noisy, and I wasn't sure if it was making any sense.

Anyway, again, I'm so impressed with myself for digging this thing to the extent I did. I didn't die inside to such an extent that I lost the will to continue watching, living. I even felt that sort of excitement one feels when one sees an action movie, and one is into action movies, and I don't know if that's perfectly clear, but just check out GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. I liked it.

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  • Kian

    Best review I have seen on this site! Nice to actually read a review that is so entertaining yet also informative! I am anxiously awaiting your next review…

  • GI Joe had some of the worst acting I had ever seen in a movie.
    The effects were fun to watch but I knew soon they would stop and pretend to act, so we snuck into District 9 instead.

  • 3080

    This was the biggest load of carp to ever hit film! This so called GI Joe movie had NO continuity to the Comics or TV show that we all grow up with! Every character that we know and loved has been ruined. Did the writers and director not do any research? This was a Hack Job at best. “If it’s not broke don’t fix it”. They should have given the real fans what they wanted, and not some slap jack, vomit inducing, half ass attempt at a part of Americas pop culture. This will go down in history along side a long list of tragic failures like: Ninja force, SIGMA 6, GI Joe Extreme, Sgt. Savage, Built To Rule. I don’t think I need to go on. THIS IS NOTE FOR ANY REAL G.I. Joe fan!