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Movie Review: 2012

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Silly me. Here I am stocking up on canned goods, flame-retardant blankets, matches and gas masks for my underground shelter. After watching the end-of-the-world epic 2012, I now realize just how many wasted hours on emergency preparedness courses I've spent.

I have now started to compile a new checklist to ready myself for the end of times, thanks to director Roland Emmerich, who has outdone his previous appetites for destruction in this exclamation mark of a movie. The film, simply put, is one big escape route when things go to pot. John Cusak stars as Jackson Curtis, a dad who reunites with his estranged family (including wife played by Amanda Peet) all while dodging every single natural disaster known to man. Many may view all the devastation as a mere theatrical theme park ride, but more savvy viewers will catch all the helpful kernels of knowledge peppered throughout to help plan for each and every worst-case scenario.

My new apocalyptic checklist, based on seeing the film 2012:

1) Fully charged cell phone: Not for emergency contacts, but rather to accept calls from tearful friends and family members moments before they meet their impending doom, which is frequent and surprising without cellular disruption despite crumbling continents. This phone should come with a shock-resistant casing, though, as the phone tends to get thrown or slammed in dramatic frustration each time this occurs.

2) Befriend wealthy, burly Russian guy: Not only do they have limitless access to the best escape vehicles at their disposal, but they also possess superhuman people hurling skills, which helps when crevasses cannot be breached by mere will and determination.

3) A pickup truck. If it's good enough for he Dali Lama's escape, it's good enough for me. Who knew when Bob Seger was singing “Like a Rock,” he was referring to the Himalayas?

4) Travel frequently in an RV. Sure, it offers a great opportunity to bond with the family, as Cusak's character does with his estranged children, but it's equally good at clearing gaping holes in roadways with nary a scratch.

5) Go to med school. This is really killing two birds with one stone, as everyone knows you can get the proper medical knowledge that may come in handy. But did you know that surgeons make the best pilots? I suppose it has to do with steady hands and such, but this guy could pilot not only a single-engine Cessna, but take charge of a massive cargo plane.

6) Start writing sci-fi novels. Even if they do not sell, they get you noticed by all the right people at all the right times, as witnessed by Curtis' worldwide recognition despite lackluster sales. It worked for L. Ron Hubbard, too.

7) Eat more pickles. This will be a tough one, but they apparent induce a clarity that most non-pickle-chompers are unable to attain. This is demonstrated by Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), whose dismissed as a paranoid loon, but between bites of the dill delicacy, is the only one who truly understands the enormity of Earth's peril.

8) Avoid visiting landmarks. They are the first to go. The Vatican, Yellowstone, The Washington Monument – all are the first to crumble in a most spectacular way in 2012, thus, ensuring immediate demise if you are standing within radius.

9) Purchase African real estate. Trust me, that's the only continent Mother Nature does not set her designs on.

I'm pretty sure there plenty more lessons to be learned, but at two and a half hours, it's a feat to gather all the information thrown at the audience. And if you know what's good for you, it's best to follow the sage-like wisdom of Emmerich, the master of cinematic disaster, and his unrelenting flares of warning. For he has spend the better part of his cinematic career trying to assist us in such dire emergencies that even Irwin Allen could not fathom.

Come on, people. The clock is ticking.

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About Rob Rector

  • Erick

    I just saw it last nigh. Awesome effects! And they made it less personal and more worldwide international than the day after tomorrow. Like a worldwide catastophre would really be. I still think they could have made better in some things, like how the human drama affected those that save their ass, like in Titanic. But they capture some of that in the end. I particulary dislike how the pilots laught after hitting the tip of the eiffel tower in las vegas, cause with everyone else death or dying down there, no one in real life would have found a reason to laugh. The movie theather was silent the whole time, as people were shoked at such a graphical world wide catastophre for which there was no where to run.

    The plot also failed to contemplate other scape routes for the elite (which were the only ones that save their ass, plus some of their employees and their relatives that where just too lucky. Like the main character that managed to save his family, not only cause he paid attention to a borderline crazy guy alerts, but because he worked for one of the worlds elite, and only because of that, gained access to join him in a portion of the escape route way.) I mean there is other technology nowadays that they missed to consider. Like all the military submarines worldwide which under such scenario would survive. Since with the political leaders amongs the world elite that survived, all them would have considered balancing military forces aftermath to deter any of them from turing into a contemporary Nemrod first king after the great deluge. Plusthe ships and station itself had no heavy armed military personal, but unarmed personal that was punched down. Current space satelite technology was coinsidered, but space shutteles and stations were without explanation disregarded as optional scape routes for the worlds elite.

    But the buttom line and what the movie means for the masses, has nothing to do with global warming and saving earth crap. The real message is that only the worlds elite save their ass, and according to the movie the end justified such means: The survivor of the “fittest”. The movie is then kind of a grapical prophecy of encouragement for the elite. That they will be the only ones able to safe theirs and their love ones lives, while all God loving religions die with the masses. In other words that there is no God to save humankind, but only evolution. And thus, only the rich survive cause they were stronger While the poor masses were weaker, and that also justified them dying without any warnining that could have helped them figure out ways to cope with what was coming and even possibly figure out their own ways to save themselves. Like maybe surfing, such as those surfers that surfed the gigantic waves of Indonesia that killed 200,000 people. Or training masses in scuba diving and building ans distributing of small submarines worldwide. Thus, movie plots buttom line is… justified evolution theory of how the world is currently runned, and will be runned by the elite, in face of an expected world wide extintion event. One of them elite, portrait by a strong russian former boxer turned billionaire, says “wouldn’t you have done the same if you had money to save your family?” A point is made valid many time throughout the movie… That the masses should agree with their extintion as they represent the weaker part of our human kind. And that the masses must understand that the survival of the stronger or the worlds elite, is what’s best for the future of the human species. There was no lotery like in Deep Impact, there were just one billion euros seats for the worlds elite. But even so, they make everyone in the movie theathers forget about the six billion lives lost, and focus on the “success” of how the worlds elite, plus one all american family, and a handfull of chineese workers save their lives for the “successful” continuance of human kind. No one there feeling any regrets or sorrow, like the elite on the first boats of the Titanic, for the masses that were lost and whiped out of the planet. No, they made it all better by opening those gates at the last 15min to allow “other worlds elite” and the handful of chineese workers to come in. And lets not forget who that ONE all american main character family that was saved and reunited, owed their lifes to: one uncompassionate worlds elite that the father worked for, and a compasionate budist family of a chineese world’s elite worker. Thus the message of the movie is that serving the world’s elite is better than serving God, what a slap in every God’s loving face. Hope yoy all enjoy such slap in the movies, you weak God loving masses. I know I didn’t, but still the world-wide nowhere-to-run scenes made a worth seeing impression on me, to go back to my solid scape route, which is NOT serving the world’s elite or the money god.

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