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Mother’s Day Number Five Without Mom – It Never Gets Easier

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I’ve heard it said that time heals all wounds, and I am willing to believe in that, but it is not working for me at this point. This is my fifth Mother’s Day without my Mom, and it doesn’t feel any different than it did the first time I had to live through this day without her; in fact, it may be getting even harder for me.

Even though Mom has been gone all this time, she is still a presence in my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, miss her, and wish she were with me. In the past I took for granted being able to pick up the phone and call her from work. Now I still get the urge sometime to do it. When my two-year old son puts words together in a sentence, I want to dial her number and tell her, “He just said ‘I don’t want to sleep.'” I miss being able to do that.

I do take comfort in Mom’s presence though, and I believe she is with me all the time. I think she is watching my kids as they do their little amazing things, and I feel she is with me when I am going through the rough days as well as the good ones. Knowing she is there is comforting, but I really would rather be able to throw my arms around her and kiss her.

As I do every year, I brought flowers to her grave. Standing there and staring at the tombstone, I am stronger now than I used to be. In the beginning I couldn’t stop crying and had a hard time saying a prayer. Now, I still get misty, but I am stronger. That doesn’t mean it is any easier because it’s not. I feel like I need her now more than ever in my life.

I still have my Dad and he takes comfort in knowing I visit Mom’s grave, but the truth is I know she is not there. She is with me here as I write this, leaning over my shoulder no doubt to see if I am spelling any words wrong. I know she is watching my kids rolling around the floor playing, and I think that she will be with me as I honor my wife on Mother’s Day the same way Dad always honored her. I will wish I was hearing her say, “That’s my boy,” but I’ll close my eyes and know her evanescent hand is on my shoulder on this day and all the days of my life.

 

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About Victor Lana

Victor Lana has published numerous stories, articles, and poems in literary magazines and online. His books In a Dark Time (1994), A Death in Prague (2002), Move (2003), The Savage Quiet September Sun: A Collection of 9/11 Stories (2005) and Like a Passing Shadow (2009) are available online and as e-books. He has won the National Arts Club Award for Poetry, but has concentrated mostly on fiction and non-fiction prose in recent years. He has worked as faculty advisor to school literary magazines and enjoys the creative process as a writer, editor, and collaborator. He has been with Blogcritics since July 2005, has edited many articles, was co-head sports editor with Charley Doherty, and now is a Culture and Society editor. He views Blogcritics as one of most exciting, fresh, and meaningful opportunities in his writing life.
  • Dom

    Hey Victor!

    I’ve found your article to be very sincere and appropriate. I’m happy to see a ‘guy’ not being afraid to write about missing his Mom. I too, as a guy, do many of the things you do/have done. And, after over 18 years, I still feel the emptiness – some days are indeed better than others, but still, the pain is there.

    I’m happy to see a ‘guy’ writing about his Mom.

    Dom

  • Dana Williams

    It’s been 8 years now without her. My youngest son was chewing on her necklace last she was with us. Every day I think of her, and what she would think of the boys. I wish I could feel her….I wish they could know the awesome person she was. I have to settle for catching myself saying things she would have…that I always swore I wouldn’t lol She is the best and worst of me, and I miss her. Thank you for this, I miss her too.

  • Dana Williams

    PS…a grave is a blessing. Mine was cremated and had me spread her ashes on Douglas Lake in TN. I live in NC, and wish at times I had a gravestone to go to. I think somehow, it would be easier for me.

  • http://viclana.blogspot.com/ Victor Lana

    Thanks for the comments, Dana and Dom. Hang in there today. I know it’s a tough day to get through.

  • Marge Lockwood

    It was refreshing to see a man speak his feelings…and comforting. For Dana…my husband was scattered at a spot near Lake Erie and it is comforting to just go sit by the water…we used to do that when we were younger.