Put on the tinfoil hat. Now take that silly thing off because there's no way you can swim in that and make up the time. It's simple aerodynamics, dude. Not when Michael Phelps is bustin' your tail. Don't give "The Man" any reason for to think he won his seventh gold medal by 0.01 second over you or any Serbian. (Note: "The Man" takes many forms. Sometimes it's a peacock. Sometimes it's a big red "E." Other times it's a bright orange sphere in the sky that shows itself from 6 a.m. to about 9 p.m. Please avoid all these possible incarnations at all costs, and report sightings to your local non-government-sanctioned constable.)
A new website, 001ofasecond.com, has documented Phelps' 100-meter butterfly "win" in the Olympics over Serbian Milo Cavic by — guess! — one hundredth of a second, or the time it takes your latest Twitter posting to become largely irrelevant. The anonymous website administrator notes that the times between Phelps and Cavic were really, really close. And because the times were really, really, close, it's hard to tell definitively with the human eye who won. In fact, it looked like Milo Cavic won. But Omega, the official timekeeper of the Olympics (and sponsor of Michael Phelps since 2004) and official sponsor of the lane Phelps was in, declared the American eight-gold-medal-hopeful and all-around stud the winner.
Also, Michael Phelps has a lot of corporate sponsors, including Visa, Speedo, AT&T, PowerBar, Hilton, and Rosetta Stone. (That last participant is involved in order to propagate the conspiracy amongst several languages.)
Then 001ofasecond.com — which is an erroneous domain name, ya got one zero too many, friend — goes into a list of facts, including:
"• Milorad Cavic beats Michael Phelps (QUALIFYING SESSION) at the 2008 Beijing Olympics (Source: Reuters)"
Well, then. He won the qualifiers. Give Cavic the gold!
"• Milorad Cavic beats Michael Phelps (FINALS SESSION) at the 2008 Beijing Olympics (Source: NBC)
The source is actually a screenshot, which lacks depth, of NBC's footage. Although you can clearly see where Phelps' swimming teammate Ryan Lochte piloted the yacht directly into Cavic's left hand. (This is visible only in the left-hand corner of the HD feed.)
"• Global head of sponsorship management for VISA Inc.: "The objective of Phelps' sponsors is to expand Michael's presence in other markets." (Source: Washington Post, August 18)"
A feat that would have been wholly impossible if he just won a piddly seven gold medals.
"• FINA official cheers for Phelps and promises: "(Phelps) would have won the race no matter what." ("No matter what"!? I mean WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???)(Source: San Francisco Chronicle, August 16) "
It means exactly what it sounds like. If Michael Phelps contracted the gout minutes before the starting pistol, he still would have won the gold medal, because the person who determines the winner is actually a 29-year-old graduate student who works at the University of Michigan library.
"• Jay Mariotti: "Let's make something clear: It wouldn't have been good for sport, swimming or anyone but Cavic had Phelps lost. Losing his final individual race would have been one of the great letdowns in sports history." (Source: Chicago Sun-Times, August 16) "
Quoting Jay Mariotti, without a hint of irony, in a conspiracy theory. Now that takes balls. Pure, brass, balls.
"• Cavic: "If we got to do this again, I would win it." (Source: LA Times, August 16)"
Inherently false, given that Omega has already rigged the next race.
The only flaws in this mysterious website's reasoning is he leaves The Stonecutters completely out of the mix. Didn't you hear their latest stanza in their official secret society song?
Who controls Olympic clocks?
Who owns most of Omega's stocks?
♬ We do! We do!
Who designed the Speedo suit?
Who thinks Phelps's sister's cute?
♬ We do! We do!