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Men’s Pants: The Lower the Better

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I love when men wear their pants low. The lower the better — below the butt is fabulous.

I love it because it’s funny. It’s funny that they have to grab their pants all the time so they don’t slide off. It’s funny that they can’t walk normally because their pants constrict everything between their knees and their hips. It’s funny that they think this is a good look for them. Low Rider

But the real reason I love it: men are finally hobbling themselves for fashion. Women have been doing it for years, with high heels, short straight skirts, strapless dresses they have to keep tugging up lest they fall out of them. It’s about time men got a taste of it. And maybe some women will look at the stupid pants and realize how stupid they look teetering around on their stilettos.

The next milestone will be when men actually injure themselves for fashion. Confidential to high-heel wearers: how are those bunions doing? And the back pain? Maybe try some acupuncture, but definitely don’t lose the fabulous shoes.

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About Piper Hoffman

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz Alan Kurtz

    I love it because it’s funny. It’s funny that they have to grab their pants all the time so they don’t slide off.

    Yes, it’s funny when would-be gangstas on America’s Dumbest Criminals are foiled in their getaway from a convenience store robbery by saggy pants falling around their ankles and tripping them up so they can be apprehended.

    Then again, it wasn’t funny to surviving family members of a 19-year-old in Charleston, SC. On July 18, 2009, The Post and Courier reported that the young man “was killed by his own gun after it accidentally discharged in his pocket. The bullet struck him in the chest while he was getting into an SUV. Tests confirmed that the fatal round was fired from a .32-caliber pistol he kept in the back pocket of his low-hanging pants, and not from an unknown shooter, as originally thought.”

    As to why young men wear their pants this way, the New York Post reported on July 29, 2010, that a Bronx judge dismissed a summons against a man for wearing saggy pants, saying that “although he may have offended the fashion police with his low-hanging and underwear-exposing pants, his manner of dress didn’t deserve a ticket from a cop. The judge’s decision said the ‘trend of wearing pants well below the waistline is believed to have its roots in this country’s prison system where inmates are issued uniforms which are often too big and the wearing of belts is prohibited due to safety concerns.'”

    If low-rider pants were no more than a fashion faux pas, they would indeed be funny. But the prison origin of this gangsta fad makes it sad, just another desperate solution to our collective lack of stylistic imagination.

  • http://piperhoffman.com Piper Hoffman

    The history of high heels is also unsavory. In Rome they identified prostitutes. In Turkey they were so high that women needed servants or canes just to walk. Chinese concubines and Turkish odalisques may have worn high heels in part to prevent them from escaping harems.

    Back to low pants, what was a 19-year-old doing with a gun in his pants? And was there evidence that it was the low hang of his pants that caused the gun to discharge? Seems to me that the pants were the least of his issues. In any case, he sounds like a candidate for a Darwin award.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz Alan Kurtz

    Piper, what is any 19-year-old doing with a gun in his pants? These are the times we are privileged to live in. And, yes, the authorities concluded that his low-riders caused the gun to go off. They originally suspected an unknown assailant, but on closer inspection concluded that as he climbed into the SUV, his pants tangled in the trigger and … well, I feel sorry for his family. But stupidity really is its own reward.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz Alan Kurtz

    Piper, I thought you might enjoy this news item, in case you missed it: “Pants On Ground Prompts Bullet In Butt.” Looks like Kenneth Bonds might need a good criminal defense lawyer. Are you licensed in Tennessee?

    Anyhow, why did you stop writing for Blogcritics? Three articles within the space of week, then nothing for the past two months. Did my comments scare you off?

  • http://piperhoffman.com Piper Hoffman

    Hi Alan! My day job and some writing for other outlets have kept me from Blogcritics for awhile, but fear not, I shall return.
    Meanwhile, great link. I had no idea the fashion police were armed these days.

  • Cannonshop

    #4 Crack Kills? (or is it just Maims?)

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz Alan Kurtz

    Oh, BUTT you CRACK me up, Cannonshop.

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