To: Michael Moore
From: The American Public
Subject: Your Attempt at “Extreme Makeover”
Having seen your recent appearance at the “People’s Choice” awards, I think it would be appropriate to make a few comments on what was, apparently, an effort on your part to improve your physical appearance. Hopefully, it was not a harbinger of more delusional folie de grandeur.
Mike, I realize that you have taken a lot of heat recently from the sinister “right-wing conspirators” (a.k.a “evangelical Christians,” “Silent Majority,” Republicans, etc.) or – as we like to call them here, the P.O.R. (“People of Religion”). A lot of the comments from your critics in these camps has been, unfairly I might add, about your physical appearance.
Let me first say that these sort of comments have no place when evaluating your craftsmanship as a documentary producer and director. Calling you a “Land Whale” or “Baby Huey” or “the second coming of Orson Welles” has no place in a constructive dialogue about your commercially successful and much discussed Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9-11 documentaries. People who would be so cruel as to say that “you looked like you crawled from the primordial ooze” or that “your blood type is Big Mac” are totally off point.
Also, to point out your inherited physical defects is harsh and wholly irrelevant to discussing your body of work and all that you have been able to accomplish. I understand, as a physician, it is extremely difficult to rise to social and professional prominence of even your modest station when you are afflicted with your particular genetic condition. The “F.U.D.A.” syndrome (“fat, ugly, dumb, and asinine”) is a serious handicap which has affected many throughout history. Genetics is, indeed, a cruel mistress. For you to have taken this grievous infirmity and played the cards dealt by nature as well as you have is a tribute to you and your determination. To have slept on the floor as a child because no crib could support your prodigious bulk and worn only diapers made from canvas remnants of Michigan Tent & Awning until the age of 12 is the stuff of legend.
In fact, we have come to, dare I say it, respect your curmudgeonly demeanor. By representing yourself as a “man of the common people” while living in a multimillion dollar New York flat, the world has come to regard you as, if not a man of principle, a man of incredible duplicity. Further, to have the courage to appear in public as you do, undaunted by your total lack of decorum, hygiene and style, we have grown to admire your courage. We continue to do so even if we chose not to stand downwind of you for fear of being overcome by the stench of moral and physical decay.
But, now, what are we to think? Have you totally sold out in an attempt to be a part of human society? Have you abandoned all your quaint beastial eccentricities and become a sellout to civility? Have you actually taken a bath? All are questions raised by your recent public spectacle. Say it ain’t so, Mikey! We hope you stay just as you are – warts and all – at least until you inevitably succumb to your predetermined fate – obscurity, an inevitable turn as a houseguest on the Surreal Life and early cardiac morbidity. We hope this doesn’t mean you will start directing real cinema (we know of your lifelong dream to remake the “Hindenburg Disaster” with you playing the titular role – as the blimp) and stick to what you do best, your annual rectal evacacuation of celluloid.
Turn back now, Mike. It’s not too late. Go back to your roots as a purveyor of fallaciousness, obfuscation, and detritus. You have such a talent, shared by so few, for that! Don’t try to be something you, clearly, are not. Don’t try to take on the likes of Mel Gibson, Steven Spielberg, or Spike Lee. We already have enough real directors. Remain what God and genetics has sentenced you to, i.e. mediocrity. Be proud of even your meager gifts. Remember always, as my dear father was fond of saying, and I paraphrase here for the sake of maintaining a G-Rating, “you can’t put a shine on a cow patty.”
By the way, we eagerly look forward to your nude shots in National Geographic’s “Wildlife of New York” edition.Powered by Sidelines