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Memorandum: Michael Moore

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Memorandum

To: Michael Moore

From: The American Public

Subject: Your Attempt at “Extreme Makeover”

Having seen your recent appearance at the “People’s Choice” awards, I think it would be appropriate to make a few comments on what was, apparently, an effort on your part to improve your physical appearance. Hopefully, it was not a harbinger of more delusional folie de grandeur.

Mike, I realize that you have taken a lot of heat recently from the sinister “right-wing conspirators” (a.k.a “evangelical Christians,” “Silent Majority,” Republicans, etc.) or – as we like to call them here, the P.O.R. (“People of Religion”). A lot of the comments from your critics in these camps has been, unfairly I might add, about your physical appearance.

Let me first say that these sort of comments have no place when evaluating your craftsmanship as a documentary producer and director. Calling you a “Land Whale” or “Baby Huey” or “the second coming of Orson Welles” has no place in a constructive dialogue about your commercially successful and much discussed Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9-11 documentaries. People who would be so cruel as to say that “you looked like you crawled from the primordial ooze” or that “your blood type is Big Mac” are totally off point.

Also, to point out your inherited physical defects is harsh and wholly irrelevant to discussing your body of work and all that you have been able to accomplish. I understand, as a physician, it is extremely difficult to rise to social and professional prominence of even your modest station when you are afflicted with your particular genetic condition. The “F.U.D.A.” syndrome (“fat, ugly, dumb, and asinine”) is a serious handicap which has affected many throughout history. Genetics is, indeed, a cruel mistress. For you to have taken this grievous infirmity and played the cards dealt by nature as well as you have is a tribute to you and your determination. To have slept on the floor as a child because no crib could support your prodigious bulk and worn only diapers made from canvas remnants of Michigan Tent & Awning until the age of 12 is the stuff of legend.

In fact, we have come to, dare I say it, respect your curmudgeonly demeanor. By representing yourself as a “man of the common people” while living in a multimillion dollar New York flat, the world has come to regard you as, if not a man of principle, a man of incredible duplicity. Further, to have the courage to appear in public as you do, undaunted by your total lack of decorum, hygiene and style, we have grown to admire your courage. We continue to do so even if we chose not to stand downwind of you for fear of being overcome by the stench of moral and physical decay.

But, now, what are we to think? Have you totally sold out in an attempt to be a part of human society? Have you abandoned all your quaint beastial eccentricities and become a sellout to civility? Have you actually taken a bath? All are questions raised by your recent public spectacle. Say it ain’t so, Mikey! We hope you stay just as you are – warts and all – at least until you inevitably succumb to your predetermined fate – obscurity, an inevitable turn as a houseguest on the Surreal Life and early cardiac morbidity. We hope this doesn’t mean you will start directing real cinema (we know of your lifelong dream to remake the “Hindenburg Disaster” with you playing the titular role – as the blimp) and stick to what you do best, your annual rectal evacacuation of celluloid.

Turn back now, Mike. It’s not too late. Go back to your roots as a purveyor of fallaciousness, obfuscation, and detritus. You have such a talent, shared by so few, for that! Don’t try to be something you, clearly, are not. Don’t try to take on the likes of Mel Gibson, Steven Spielberg, or Spike Lee. We already have enough real directors. Remain what God and genetics has sentenced you to, i.e. mediocrity. Be proud of even your meager gifts. Remember always, as my dear father was fond of saying, and I paraphrase here for the sake of maintaining a G-Rating, “you can’t put a shine on a cow patty.”

By the way, we eagerly look forward to your nude shots in National Geographic’s “Wildlife of New York” edition.

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About Diet Doc

  • http://nightdragon.diaryland.com Mark Edward Manning

    Well written! Bravo!

    I wonder what Mikey’s view of the recent Iraqi elections will be … probably that of an American corporate fraud.

  • Ken Berg

    Get a life! Michael Moore has a sucessful, critically acclaimed and financially successful career. You are a nobody, and your blather meaningles.

    Regards, Ken Berg

  • http://dietdoc.blogspot.com Diet Doc

    Ken:

    You are absolutely right. I am, indeed, a nobody. And, while my blather probably is meaningless to 99.99999% or BLOG readers, some take the time to read it. Like you, for example. So, if I manage – in the course of my blathering – to have some liberal Michael Moore supporter get in a snit about my blather just once a day, my life’s mission has been fulfilled. We nobodys have few ambitious but often achieve them!

    Cheers,

    Ron

  • Eric Olsen

    love the comment Diet Doc, very nice post as well: I agree entirely that Moore is simply a mediocrity, tht’s the main thing I have against him. Thanks and welcome!

  • http://www.maskedmoviesnobs.com El Bicho

    What a pathetic life ambition. Your desire in wanting to razz liberals is disappointing to hear because I was so looking forward to your post about Secretary Rice’s bad hair and her gap-toothed grin. Alas.

    By the way, why the focus on a man’s appearance? Are you trying out for “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”? Or dealing with other shortcomings and can’t afford the fancy sports car?

    Let’s see your picture posted or are you unable to stand up to the same scrutiny? I see from your blog, where you have no picture posted, that you are a single parent so obviously you aren’t good looking enough to keep a woman.

  • http://dietdoc.blogspot.com Diet Doc

    El Bicho…

    Thanks for the comments. No, I have absolutely no aspirations as a life or fashion coach. Your other observations are absolutely dead on. My picture is certainly not worthy of publishing here or any other place. And my life goals, likewise, are clearly not grandiose.

    However, I do find writing is enjoyable and discourse, written or in debate, is one of the few joys we pathetic, cloistered, disfigured, liberal-baiters have. Especially those who have been unable to – how did you so eloquently put it – “keep a woman.” [I didn’t know they were to be kept; I thought one kept pets, not women]

    Anyway, thanks for the comments. Glad you could stop by. And, remember, freedom from envy, greed and hate makes us all better people. Whatever labels people stick to us.

    Cheers,

    Ron

  • Eric Olsen

    yes, let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all of that, but that is exactly what Moore does: casting stones willy nilly under the assumption that something will stick. His personal slovenliness is the perfect analogy for his slovenly methods

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    doc, i don’t usually leave negative comments, but that was an especially nasty piece of work. Any valid points you may have raised are, i’m afraid, neutered by the tone of the piece, which exhibits nothing so much as the tactics of a schoolyard bully, and an especially spiteful one. Come on, man.

  • Nick Jones

    A weak attempt at satire, and a perfect example of the ad hominem attack, used by those who lack anything in the way of serious critique or merit to say (see Coulter, Ann).

  • http://adamantsun.blogspot.com Steve S

    Dietdoc posts a very hateful piece of another human being, then in comment 6 says:

    And, remember, freedom from envy, greed and hate makes us all better people.

    Physician, heal thyself.

  • http://www.maskedmoviesnobs.com El Bicho

    some definitions of keep:

    to act fittingly in relation to;
    to watch over and defend;
    to cause to remain in a given place, situation, or condition;

    Your pathetic self-loathing regarding your own “inherited physical defects” sheds some light on why you couldn’t “keep” your wife (happy, satisifed, fulfilled, around). To quote a proverb, “Physician, heal thyself.”

    Hopefully, Moore’s mission in life includes sending conservatives like you into a snit, because whether you like him or not, it’s going to take a while for a man who is an award-winning, money-making filmmaker as well as a N.Y.T. best-selling author to fade into obscurity.

    After seeing your triumvirate of directors, I can see why you attacked Mike’s appearance and not his movie. Maybe your poor taste in films is why your wife left you?

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    I’m not sure Moore is a mediocrity. He does one thing and does it very well. He’s brilliant at taking little bits of unrelated data and weaving putting them on the screen with a smattering of innuendo and smirking and convincing gullible people that he’s revealed a great truth. He reminds me of a televangelist from Dallas named Robert Tilton who used to get people to send him checks which he would then pray over so they could buy themselves miracles. Of course he was eventually arrested for fraud when it turned out he was cashing the checks and throwing the letters in the dumpster without praying over them. Wait, an even better comparison – he’s like this guy on TV who hawks Cortislim. Out of the hundreds of thousands who’ve bought it and mostly gotten no benefit, he puts 6 on the air who coincidentally lost weight and bingo, he’s got a proven weightloss product. What these tro guys and Michael Moore have in common is that they are GREAT salesmen selling a product which basically doesn’t exist and none of them care what harm they do to the rubes they prey on.

    Dave

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    Moore has a formula that has brought him no small measure of success ever since Roger & Me – you might say he’s the Barbara Cartland of trash documentaries. He hasn’t grown at all since then, except in circumference.

    And, fellas, if you don’t expect to find criticism, you oughtn’t be here at BlogCritics. (It’s what we do…)

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    doc, i do apologise for the rather self-rigteous tone of my comments. you’re free to wax whatever you want. It was late in the day and maybe a fella was more frustrated than should be when checking out the old blogcritics and such.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    oh, and nick jones, your surname isn’t really wire by any chance?

  • http://dietdoc.blogspot.com Diet Doc

    Thanks for all who have taken the time to respond to my Michael Moore “Memorandum.” It was my first post on BlogCritics and I am very impressed by the passion and participation of this Forum. I have been posting to blogspot.com for a couple months and I have never seen such wonderful expression and thought-provoking commentary there. Here, I feel less in a vacuum.

    Let me just respond to a few of the comments. First, it was meant to be a simple satire. Other than not agreeing with Michael’s ideas, I have absolutely nothing personally against the man. In point of fact, I think Michael Moore embodies (pun intended) the great American Dream: he is, thanks to our society, free to make a film avowing his ideas and make money from it. It’s a great thing to have these freedoms.

    Honestly, to all, I truly do not have any “envy, greed, and hate” toward the man. Despite what some have perceived as such, I honestly don’t. He is a celebrity to some and I think that is just fine. I think of him just as I do Don King, Donald Trump, and Paris Hilton. They have all, through astute self-promotion and our societal “celebrity-machine” made successes of themselves. I applaud the fact that the system has worked for them all.

    The fact is, at least in my view, I think the talent is the question, not the fact that they have acheived a certain measure of success. That’s all, really.

    I apologize for seeming to have personal feelings for Michael Moore. I really don’t have any feelings, on a personal level, for him one way or the other. I simply disagree with his views. I chose to write a satire on his appearance since it was such a 180 degree turnabout from his usual. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Anyway, the point of all this is to say, simply, that this is a great place! I love the free flow of ideas, criticism, and expression. I am very glad to have found this Forum. It is a very refreshing oasis in a world of increasingly sanitized thought. I appreciate each and every one of you who took the time to respond. It makes my proud to be part of a society where we can rant and rave at each other and still, at the end of the day, go home and think about the ideas and views we exchanged.

    As one “celebrity” has said: “Only in America!”

    Cheers,

    Ron

  • Nick Jones

    Duke, you asked me that a year ago. Real surname is O’Rourke; Nick Jones is my addiction’s name, and thus my nom de internet.

  • Eric Olsen

    thanks Doc, it’s very easy to lose perspective

  • Tammy

    I like your energy. You keep posting and we will keep reading. Good work!

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    well put doc. And Nick, lol i apologise for asking again. I’d forgotten i did previously

  • Nick Jones

    Duke, I was the guy who sent you the link to The Gates of Hell gut-puke scene. =D

  • Doi Hafta

    moore is an opportunist – period. having worked professionally editing film and video at a d.c. area post production house, i can tell you he’s not that good. he simply had the audacity to show his ass. sure it ‘gets people talking’, but in much the same way anyone would comment on an obese, hirsute and unkempt man streaking down the street would. “wow, look at that ugly dick chugging down the street!”

    creates buzz and is shocking, signifies nothing.

  • http://www.enlargepenisguide.com/sizepro_review.htm sizepro

    I agree with you about the way you view the issue. I remember, long time ago, Jack London said something like “Everything positive has a negative side; everything negative has a positive side.” I also find it interesting to see different points of views and learn useful things in the discussion.

    Posted by: Richard Hill at May 16, 2005 08:59 AM

  • sydney

    Diet Doc,

    This is a crap post despite the fact that it started a passionate argument.

    You spent a couple of pages going on about Michael Moores efforts to improve his health or whatever. What the hell? That’s supposed to be satire?

    Eric says Michael is “mediocre”. Haha, what a ridiculous thing to say. He may be many things, but he certainly isn’t mediocre, and any attempts to label him as such reveal your bias view on the subject. Your simply angry that someone you disagree with has achieved so much success.

    I’m aware of the subjectivity in his documentaries, as is everyone else who views them. Some of you people, Dave Nalle included, feel you are geniuses because you pick out a couple of rhetorical devices in his films. Good for you, but why is it you don’t level the same criticisms at Fox news and some of the other news outlets in America?

    Michel moore is an American who looks to expose what he perceives to be problems with America. Why so much hate? You can disagree with some of the details if you like, but you can’t honestly say that there isn’t any truth in his broader claims. The subjects of all his documentaries have been obvious sore spots in America. No need to pretend he’s making this all up.

    Lastly, anyone who appreciates film, as an art form and as a craft, should admit to themselves that he is the best documentary maker we have yet seen. If Errol Morris was the best before him, we’ve seen how much more powerful a voice Michael Moore provides (granted they use different styles/voices).

    So to sum up; Get real losers. Making fun of MM’s weight is just lame.

  • http://www.docofdiets.com dietdoc

    Sydney writes: “So to sum up; Get real losers. Making fun of MM’s weight is just lame.

    Reply: Geez! These blogs do remain around a long time, don’t they!

    Sydney, you are absolutely right. I need to do a much better job separating my “rants” from my blog entries. That was a rant and not really worthy of posting here. I should have just left it on my web site. In the future, I will do just that.

    BlogCritics should be a place for meaningful discussions and issues of importance and my ranting and raving about Michael Moore was well below the dignity of this august site.

    Cheers,

    Ron