Home / Medicine Man

Medicine Man

Please Share...Print this pageTweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook0Share on Google+0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Tumblr0Share on StumbleUpon0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

Drugs, unless produced by pharmaceuticals companies supporting political parties, kill (then again, even the ones allowed by our good politicians do so, as exemplified by Vioxx, Bextra, and other Xcetera).

Interestingly enough, while the DEA has the power to declare pretty much any substances illegal, people all over the world are using “alternative” medicines with, allegedly, some degree of success.

Dr. Jamil Ahmed, (doubtless also guilty of practicing medicine while having an Arabic name) appears to be a recent example of such activist shamanism (to paraphrase Scalia, if he was smart enough to be a MD). A doctor at Erie County Medical Center, Mr. Ahmed treated a severely brain-damaged man for 2 1/2 years, recently prescribing unnamed neuro-stimulants, an antidepressant and a medication used for Parkinson’s. The patient, who has not spoken for nearly a decade, was able to communicate with his family for 14 hours, before going back to sleep. A spokesman for the doctor refused to disclose the treatment, stating that: “we have a lot of medical issues to sort through.”

Of course, single-minded paraphernalia can only conclude that Dr. Ahmed’s magic potion might just be a mix of Schedule 1 substances, meaning illegal substances having a “high” potential for abuse, no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the USA and for which there is a lack of accepted safety for usage under medical supervision. A cursory look at the Schedule 1 list should suffice to convince you of the medical wisdom of Karen Tandy, (no, not that dump blonde)

Paraphernalia is thus forced to guess what may have worked for the comatose firefighter mentioned above, using only Schedule 1 substances. Hum…Tough one! Let’s start with pot. Yes, boring indeed! Despite its obvious dangers (reefer madness, anyone?), some people do think a joint works for Parkinson’s. So much so that this dangerous and evil substance is now being sold by the Canadian government. Of course, paraphernalia, learning from George W. Bush, believes that private sources may indeed prove to be more efficient in delivering the product (well, in a more potent form, at least). However, that leaves us with the neurostimulant, anti-depressant thing used by Dr. Ahmed. Well, paraphernalia would opt to try ecstasy. After all, it does appear to relieve parkinson’s symptoms. In addition, even the FDA seems to think that dropping some X might be useful for depression, especially for the US of A heroes, AKA soldiers .

Sorry, Dr. Ahmed, but paraphernalia thinks it knows what your magic potion is. Too bad you are not working for Merck or that your alternative methods are much less scientificic than the one used by Schiavo videoMD specialist Frist! In any case, given your name, it’s unlikely you stand a chance against the DEA brownshirts. Take it from us: Candy is to Tandy what Jessica is to Karen…

As for readers who don’t like paraphernalia and still cannot make it to medical school, well, you can always try your luck as Special Agent Mulder (assuming the X-Files are about ecstasy!) by filling this quiz. Equal opportunity employer indeed…..

Good luck, but please try to remember the words of Jose Ortega Y Gasset (you won’t hear about him from Karen!) about “the learned ignoramus, arrogant in his illusion that because he knows one small thing, he is therefore qualified to pronounce upon all things.”

Then again, who is paraphernalia to talk? Time for a Tylenol…

Powered by

About Paraphernalia