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Marriage Amendment Draft

President Bush has officially endorsed a Constitutional Amendment to define marriage. He has already warned Congressional Democrats not to attempt a filibuster (although he later admitted privately that he thought someone had threatened to fill a Buster). Electablog has obtained a working copy of the amendment, along with some additional notes, currently being passed around conservative circles. I can’t reveal exactly how I got my hands on these drafts other than to say that I know someone who knows someone who used to clip the hedges outside Roy Cohn’s pool house.

Here’s what we’ve been able to extract from the pile of paper so far:

In these United States, the legal definition of marriage shall be reserved for those legally binding unions between one man and one woman. No state shall set forth its own laws regarding the legal definition of marriage (except in such cases as both participants are female, extremely attractive, under the age of 30, willing to experiment with the addition of third and fourth parties – at least one of whom must be male – and understand that in such cases the Attorney General may see fit to waive all Fourth Amendment rights).

Unholy same-sex gatherings among two or more men shall be expressly prohibited except in cases where a militia is being formed or in the case of a closed session of Congress. All associated laws shall also be waived in the case of duck hunting.

When Congress is required to determine the legal gender of one or both of the participants seeking a marriage license (The his/her name is “Pat” Clause), gender determination will be legally binding solely with the approval of at least two-thirds of the members of the House of Representatives, half of the members of the Senate, and three-fifths of Barney Frank.

Of the two oppositely gendered participants, at least one must own either a pick-up truck, a tractor (backhoes excepted) or an El Camino – or fail to see the irony in the character Archie Bunker – and shall find no sign of innuendo, repressed memories or unresolved issues when confronted by the following Tom DeLay quote: “Americans have been tolerant of homosexuality for years, but now it’s being stuffed down their throats and they don’t like it.”

The Ashcroft Clause: Neither one nor both of the participants may admit to accidentally watching the wrong person during an adult movie screening, and/or having a strange tingling sensation whenever Ricky Martin sings “She Bangs” or when Rick Santorum and Gary Bauer sing Karaoke on Duet-Thursdays at D.C.’s Peyote Cafe.

In no cases shall the repealing of the Eighteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution be used as an excuse for same sex marriages, or for that matter experimentation during college.

This legislation will by extension include the tenets of the 1997 Defense of Sexual Inhibitions Act which was vetoed by President Clinton on seven separate occasions (four times in the Oval Office, twice in the Lincoln Bedroom and once behind some shrubs in the Rose Garden).

Possible criminal charges and sentences being considered: Obscene public displays of affection such as inappropriate physical contact (or the carrying of a placard supportive of Trent Lott) between opposite gendered participants can be a misdemeanor. The same behavior between two same-gendered people (assuming they aren’t as hot as the cast of the L-Word) will be a felony and carry a sentence of five to fifteen years. Mistaking stockings for tights and showing up wearing them with no shorts to your fitness center and then getting on the Stairmaster: Fifty to Life.

Related to the above: If a male participates in zhuzhing of any kind; he does time.

This amendment shall have authority over any and all state laws. Ignorance of the law can under no circumstances be used as an excuse. Neither can confusion regarding Barbara Bush.

As with any legislation, there will be changes before the docs are finalized and of course, there will be the requisite pork barreling – heretofore referred to as the other white (and exclusively white) meat barreling. For example, Halliburton has already locked up the contract to supply all the leather and ball-gags for the Republican Convention in NY.

Dave Pell is the writer of Electablog

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  • Eric Olsen

    You rule Dave, killer: “the other white meat barreling.” Loved your Barry Bonds take also – does that appear on your site anywhere? I was confused. Thanks and congrats on the Forbes thingy!

  • R. Nolen Miller

    What is Marriage

    Marriage is two people who come together as one. Not any two people- A Man and a Woman. God created Adam and then Eve. It’s amazing that a Man and a Woman can produce a child. No other human combination can. Every man and every woman have the same God-given right to marry and to produce children. It is not right to change the definition of marriage to fit alternative lifestyles. The only correct thing to do is to ask the individual whether they would choose their right to a family or choose their right to live an alternative lifestyle according to their sexual appetites. There will always be the question as to whether homosexuals have a choice in their sexual behaviors: however it is unanswerable. There will always be those who argue on both sides (including “recovered” homosexuals).
    The bottom line is that every man and woman in this country do have the same right to marry-which is a union with an individual of the opposite sex. Homosexuals are not asking for a right that we all have, they are asking for special privileges. And many in this country believe that making these special interest lifestyles into laws will only serve to further disintegrate the family structure, which is already in dire straits.
    If anyone is still interested in what God has to say on the subject, here are some Bible verses which make this debate pretty clear: I Corinthians 6:9 – Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God, do not be deceived neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God. – 1 Timothy 1:10 – And immoral men and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound teaching.
    You all have been elected into a very important position. Is it more important to you to make a very vocal MINORITY happy or simply to do what is right? This country was founded on solid Christian values and principles and the new policy seems to be to go with the flow wherever that may lead. It is time we stop buying into the manipulative idea that it is politically incorrect to say that wrong is wrong. Once you blur the lines, who is going to make up the new boundaries? Because I can guarantee you that there will be soon to follow another group on the homosexuals’ heels who will also want the special privileges. You can easily say now that we would never let a man marry a boy, but years ago we would have said that about a man and a man. Once you stand down your job as guard of the principles of this society, it will be very difficult to stop the landslide. Someone has to stand up and be strong. I send this to all of you because the Lord Jesus Christ has put this in my heart. Yes, I am a Christian. But I also don’t believe that you have to share religious beliefs in order to have some conception of what the destruction of morality does to any society.

    Rich Nolen Miller

    Donna Marie Miller

    Walk by Faith not by Sight