With a tip-o-the-hat and deepest gratitude to D'oh… although everyone knows his name, although it's not his real name.
Dateline: Santa Verde, a time and place to be determined
In case any of you were wondering, it is virtually impossible to escape news. Here your intrepid reporter is, in Santa (Park Your Butt On Our Toilets) Verde, sipping drinks made from insects the likes of which have never made it north of the border, and still they cascade their stupid news on us as if we were merely rocks and they were a big balloon full of water drawn from a cesspool.
Whew. An example, you demand.
Doing the Potomac Shuffle file: Okay, we know that when someone screws up in the Bush administration — or in most administrations, to be fair — they get great new jobs. But who needs The New York Times to play the game. "The No. 2 job in the State Department is technically a step down from John Negroponte’s present post of director of national intelligence. But the reported return to the foreign policy fold of this former ambassador to Baghdad, and, before that, to the United Nations, has a certain logic to it."
Euthanasia has a certain logic to it as well if you just pronounce it, "Youth In Asia." I mean you may have no idea what it means, but, at the same time, who knew what Negroponte was doing either? And how is going to do any better that the current crop when the best the president can say is "hey, we may not be winning, but that's a lot better than losing." So it fits. One man not accomplishing one job shifted to an area where the administration hasn't a clue what to do. This is why America is great. There are no losers — only bad puns.
The Good Lord Made Me Do It file: Okay, anyone can make a mistake, and it's simply a sign of the arrogance and irresponsibility of the liberal elite in this country that when one of the chosen stumble, they act like it's the end of the world. So a white supremacist is caught with child porn and discovered to be tampering with witnesses (all of whom we believe were older than 21 and therefore not children). Excuse me. There are no liberal white supremacists — strike that, there are no liberal kiddie porners?
Look at how ABC News, that bastion of radical Islam portrayed it: "Kevin Alfred Strom, founder of the National Vanguard white supremacist group, was considered the leading intellectual of the movement since the death of William Pierce, the author of the notorious 'Turner Diares.'" And, get this, our Soviet-led government also accused him of mentally intimidating a witness to his criminal activity.
Give us a break, you can't mentally intimidate someone unless they've shown some degree of mental capacity, and none of those accused of being tampered with have even been shown to be alive. What a bunch of liberal crock. And look, we all have skeletons in our closets. If we're going to become a great nation, we're going to have to excuse the pecadillos of those less fortunate than ourselves, e.g. those with more than four functional brain cells.
With God On Our Side file: By now it's probably old news that that lefty, militant, Muslim Congressman… darn, I can't find his name, but you know of whom we speak… is to be sworn in using Jefferson's Qu'ran. And many righteous Christians are raising questions about the propriety of such an act.
Wait a minute, Thomas "I am such a farmer" Jefferson had a Qu'ran? In Arabic or English? Bound or just loose pages? Once your intrepid reporter gets the answers to these questions, if they show the worst, he will immediately call for impeachment hearings in the House against that once revered, now reviled, slave-sleeping Thomas Jefferson. Sure, there are those who'd try to remind us that the Constitution itself says you can't have religious tests for holding office, but they were thinking about a country that was 99% Christian and 1% Jew, and since you could always tell what the Jews looked like, they'd never get elected.
Hey, boys and girls, don't open the doors if you don't want the boogie man to come in and push veils over… well, you know where.
Britney's Back and You're Gonna Be In Trouble file: Your intrepid reporter has to confess that he has no idea who this is, but she gets more ink than Osama bin Laden, so we figure we ought to carry something about her. And, we'll tell, we're horrified that such a bitchin' lookin' babe could get some much bad publicity — whatever the publicity is.
Here's the so-called news: "Spears, the mother of 3-month-old Jayden James and 1-year-old Sean Preston, has drawn disapproval from fans and other Spears watchers for her recent nights out with party girls Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Her manager denied Monday reports that she had collapsed shortly after leading the New Year's Eve countdown in a Las Vegas nightclub."
Whoa. What'd she do, expose herself without her panties? Give a big slippery one to Paris Hilton, whoever she is? And, let's be honest, liberal boys and girls, have you never passed out a party, New Years or not? In fact, have you ever not passed out at a party? I certainly hope not, but that'll mean that your younger generation doesn't have the cojones of my older generation. In my day, if you didn't pass out, you probably didn't have a good time — hint hint — although you couldn't remember anyway.
So lay off Britney Spears. I mean, check out that last name. This bitch is mine!
Well, that's the news as I see it. You may see it differently, but then you're a turkey. And the best way to stop being a turkey is to remember the wisdom in the words,
In Jameson Veritas
(Speaking of which, when are those assholes going to front me with a case of their stuff for pitching it this much? Sheesh.)Powered by Sidelines