With a tip-o-the-hat and deepest gratitude to D’oh…although everyone knows his name, although it’s not his name.
Dateline: The Kasbah, Sometime in January: So much news, so little interest in much of it. But we labor on, your intrepid reporter and his trusty associate-in-insanity, D’oh, so you don’t have to. (Someday, I’ve got to ask him where he picked that name.)
The We’re Hopeless file: Why just a few days ago, Bush signed another of his infamous signing statements, which, as you’ll no doubt recall, is the vehicle the president uses to moon Congress without having to actually do something so unpresidential. This time, he said that he had the “authority to open U.S. mail without judicial warrants in emergencies or foreign intelligence cases.” Despite the obvious howling from Democrats and the privacy patrol, Bush mouthpiece, Tony “How the Hell Did I Get Myself Into This” Snow said that the president was simply reaffirming powers and rights he already had.
The question, of course, is — Is there any power and/or authority that the president doesn’t have? If not, we could save a helluva lot of money, boys and girls, simply by doing away with Congress…which is kind of what Bush had been doing. But wait! It’s Nancy Pelosi’s five minutes of fame in the harsh lights of the media. Let’s just wait and see, and we shall see what we shall see, or we won’t see anything.
You Think It’s So Bad Here? file: Some people will fight over anything. People in the Northeast state of Assam, India have decided that bullets beat the ballot box any day, so, over the weekend, a group of terrorists (we don’t as yet know which group, so we’ll just call them Muck.) Anyway, people who weren’t killed by Muck described groups of 10 to 15 masked and heavily armed men firing indiscriminately, sparing none – not even women and children. By late on Saturday 48 Hindi-speaking settlers had been killed, making it the worst carnage of migrants in Assam for at least a decade.
One hates to be picky at a time such as this, but Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh condemned the killings as an “act of cowardice and inhumanity.” That’s original. What would capture our attention is if he’d called it an “act of courage” — although your intrepid reporter can’t for the life of himself figure out why he’d say that. And weren’t the Indians fighting Pakistan over Kashmir, causing the price of those fancy sweaters to skyrocket over the past year or two? How many wars do they want to fight? Don’t take page from the U.S. playbook — it only makes sense if your turn it upside down. Then, it’s clear why it makes no sense.
If I Knew, I’d Tell You Already file: Old Abe Lincoln had a mess o’ problems fighting the Civil War, not the least of which was finding a General-in-Chief who would actually do some fighting. Not-so-old George Bush has a different dilemma — the poor guy’s got more people claiming to have the answer to Iraq than my dog has fleas. Now, John McCain & Joe Lieberman, leading a passel of war hawks are calling for 25,000 more troops as soon as they are taught how to shave. The Dems with their new muscles are already flexing them (although Senate Majority Leader Reid is going to have to take a few days off because he pulled a ligament or something.) The Dems say bring ‘em home. The war buffs say send more. Guess which approach the prez will take when he unveils his new plan…sometime within the next 24 months.
O.k., what do you do? Those of us old enough will always remember with pride for a job well done as well as the well-wishes of a grateful nation as our helicopters left Saigon for the last time. The administration put us in this stupid position. Loads o’ Democrats supported what turned out to be one of the worst planned wars since the War of 1812. Good job, George, if you can’t kill Osama with bullets, get him to laugh to death.
You’re Kidding file: George Bush is making nice nice with Congress, treating them with more respect when the hollow halls were run by Republicans. His latest “come let us reason together” shtick was asking lawmakers on Saturday to join him in balancing the budget within five years and cut thousands of pet projects from future spending bills. “I’m confident that we can find common ground,” Mr. Bush.
There are times when your intrepid reporter just can’t find the words to express his utter astonishment. After Bush et al. calling the Democrats everything from cowards to unpatriotic to closet homosexuals to liars… it goes on and on, now, boys and girls, can you say “cooperation?” No? Well, can you say “friends” as in “will you be my friend?” Yes, you can? Tough nuts, kid — it’s a waste of time.
And so ends another day in the life of your intrepid reporter and D’oh. While we’re pretty sure we’re covering the truly important stories of the day, we welcome your suggestions. And remember where the best suggestions come from:
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