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Love Eluding You? Let Go and It May Find You

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How many times have you heard someone say it was when they weren’t looking for love that they found it? Often they’ll say, “I had just accepted the possibility that I may not find someone and realized that I’d be okay.” Or, “It’s okay if I’m single for the rest of my life.”

It’s a paradox. We’re taught to focus on what we want and to take action until we reach our target. Yet if we focus or hold on too tight to the target, it eludes our grasp and gets further and further away.

What’s a single gal or guy to do?

I needed an answer, so I called relationship coach Karen Jones. I figured if anyone knew the answer she would.

Karen has been working with and listening to hundreds of single and married women for eight years through her ‘Heart Matters’ (www.heartmatter.net) coaching company. When I asked her for an explanation of this paradox, she explained it like this:

Think of it in terms of energy. There is a flow to it; the more attached you are to an outcome, the more you squeeze the flow, and you either slow it down, divert it, or simply shut if off. I like to use the imagery of being in the shower, and grabbing a bar of soap. If you squeeze too hard the soap jumps out of your hand. It’s like that with relationships. If you squeeze too hard around relationship energy it becomes too hard to hold. Loosen your grip, and the soap (relationship) is there.

She then went on to explain the solution.

You have to decide you’re just going to be happy in life, no matter what. Make your life work now. Do what you love to do, and spend time in ways that fulfill you. One indirect benefit of that decision (and way of being), is this: that energy is very attractive. You’re doing things that interest you, which will create opportunities for you to meet people that you enjoy; men as well as women who’d be good to spend time with.

Just to clarify. This doesn’t mean you give up on your vision of having a happy, successful marriage. You need to keep that dream alive in your heart. It does mean you let go of the specific details you have pictured in your mind about your dream. For example: your husband will be 6’2” tall and have blue eyes and blond hair, you’ll have 2 kids – a twin boy and girl, and your house will be in this city on this street etc. Trust that your vision will unfold and that it may look very different from your picture. In fact, it’s often better than what you could have possibly imagined.

It’s like this invisible fine-line exists. While you need to clearly see and know what you want and take action to make your intention a reality, at the same time you have to be ok if you don’t get it. Expect to get it, yet don’t be attached to getting the outcome. If you find yourself holding on too tight, just let go and enjoy life. Love may find you.


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About Sue Bond

  • One thing I have seen in working with my own coaching clients is that they can get kind of linear…first I’ll work on my job…then relationship…then weight…or whatever.

    In the meantime, there is no sense of balance or global attention to life and being one sided isn’t really that attractive.
    When I ask people to describe their ideal mate they often have a pretty detailed list with high standards and then I say, “Okay, and what would they see in YOU right now?”


    “Oh yeah, I forgot, I work 80 hours a week and have no life.”

    Gotta get me some of THAT action!

    You will NEVER lose from working on your own foundation.

    (This happens in business, also. I hear people saying they want a 6 figure income while they have an office that is waaayy out of control and crumbled Doritos all over the desk. You have to step up to the vision, or else it’s just a fantasy).